The title made me curious. The article made me furious.
The author is assuming all male partners are inept and bumbling when it comes to childcare and will only get in the way if they are allowed six months of paternity leave.
If your partner is going to treat paternity leave like vacation/sabbatical, he doesn’t get to take all/any of it. He doesn’t get to ask you to make a “proper” lunch or what activities you have planned for the day. If all you want for dinner is cereal and to go to sleep, DO NOT WAIT for him to finish cooking goddamn duck a l’orange. Have your bowl of cereal and go to sleep! If he’s stacking logs instead of taking care of his child, he needs to go tf back to work.
If he’s going to stay home on paternity leave, he’s going to be f’ing paternal. Don’t advocate for restricting parents that know how to do their job just because your partner doesn’t!
Comments
I saw this posted in r/daddit a few days back and I agree. Commenters there said this publication leans right wing and one commenter said they couldn’t find any other articles written by this author. To me it reads like capitalist anti-paternity leave propaganda.
I actually feel sorry for her. She married an idiot and is now dealing with the consequences of that.
Sounds like she married and procreated with a loser.
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AMAB, and my partner (AFAB) and I go through all the same training and emergency training for our special needs child and more family/parental leave would be a fantastic asset for us.
I suspect this kind of thing is astroturfing in the never ending campaign by the rich to work everyone to death. “Oh, uhhh, people having more vacation or paternal leave are bad somehow.”
My husband was furloughed during Covid for the first two months after having my second child and that was the absolute best postpartum experience I had. He got to bond with our toddler and help around the house while I healed. I had two more babies after that and my husband had only two weeks of vacation time to use after each of them. It affected my ability to heal properly and I swear it affected my moods as well. I’m such an advocate for paternal leave after that experience. I’m glad I was able to experience both worlds, too. I don’t think I would advocate so hard for it if I hadn’t experienced it myself. That being said, we REALLY need some sort of universal paid maternity leave at the very least
When my eldest was born, I had to beg, borrow, or steal days to get two weeks off. My wife required 2 units of blood after the delivery and spent nearly a week in hospital. We got ~1wk together at home with our son. When I had to return to work, she was still tired, sore, and overwhelmed. It was very much not ideal.
Two years later, I was in a better role with more leave, and my country had brought in 2wks paternity. I was able to take nearly 5wks with our second. This translated to about a month at home. The difference for all of us was seismic. I was able to be properly present and supportive for my wife, I got masses of quality time to bond with my new child, and returned to work happy.
The author’s husband can’t tell his ass from a hole in the ground. Most of us can make a better fist of being a partner and father than that.
Geeeeze. I cringed through most of it and then it just made me sad. Maybe I’m lucky (?) that my husband was actually interested in sharing the parental load with me, but seriously the bar is so low.
My husband split his 12 weeks, 4 after birth and 8 when I went back to work. Those 8 weeks when I was back at work were amazing for both of us. I didn’t work about starting a new job while juggling daycare and working about our son adjusting. I knew my husband would handle it, and it also gave him a full understanding of what it felt like to be 100% responsible for our kid throughout the whole day. He openly admits he learned a lot during that time that he wouldn’t have fully understood if he never took time off alone.
Conservative propaganda surely is so wild.
“Men need to be in charge of the household, but also, don’t give them any responsibilities. They are useless idiots actually. They’re just totally undeniably smarter in undisputed leader roles. Just trust us, bro.”
Yes, because if you think your husband lacks in the childcare department, the best response is to absolve him of responsibility and in doing so ensure that he will never gain the experience to get better at it! It’s so obvious.
It’s sexist to assume that all men are naturally incompetent at childcare, just like it’s sexist to assume that all women are naturally good at it. I’m sure that attitude is not very helpful to a lot of struggling first-time moms who are struggling to figure it out.
Ya reminds me of: “who wants feminism when all that means is both men and women are working full time? I’ll take my blissful trad wife life thank you!”
Pure propaganda. Make freedom seem like a chore and oppression seem like a hug rather than a straight jacket.
I’ve defamed my ex husband for any number of things but his commitment in time, treasure and genuine engagement with our kids, not just when they were babes in arms but all through their childhood and young adulthood, is second to none in my peer group. He did not bumble. He didn’t do stuff how I’d do it but…. why would he? One of the things my current housemate (male, couple of years younger than me) and I do is pay attention when men are out and about being parents and to notice when men are assumed to be incompetent in films and TV. It’s EVERYWHERE. Human beings of either sex vary wildly in parenting interest and ability and assuming men will be terrible at it is SEXISM plain and clear.
That men aren’t generally socialized to be as patient as women doesn’t mean they can’t learn, and babies WILL teach patience.
My husband’s paternity leave started in April 2020… That’s when my kindergartner’s school shut down and went remote. So he had to juggle a 3m old with helping kindergartner attend zoom classes and troubleshoot remote learning, with unfolding pandemic. He also had plans for his paternity leave that had to be abandoned, because he put kids first. He is just as competent of a parent as I am, maybe more so.
PS. Now my youngest has a preference for long haired long bearded men, because that’s how Daddy looked for the first 3 years of her life. ❤️
If you’d rather the father of your child had less paternity leave because he’d make things worse rather than better, then do yourself a favour and don’t have a baby with him.
Most good fathers would love to have this time to bond with their child, and most partners of good fathers would love to have the support, company and teamwork it’d provide. If you doubt you’d feel the same way, just ask yourself seriously if you want to have this person intertwined with you for the rest of your life.
I had 26 weeks and my husband had 12 and he was in the weeds doing so much the entire time. It wasn’t enough to just have him around and even my time felt far too short but it’s about as generous as I’ve heard of in the US. It’s criminal everyone doesn’t get more time off when they freak out about birth rates.
I can’t imagine openly hating my co-parent as much as this woman hates this man.
I can’t imagine wanting to live with someone I thought was a nuance, and a basically useless shit who priotized his hobbies projects over making sure dinner was ready before 10 pm.
I can’t imagine wanting to depend financially on someone incapable of making themselves productive and useful. (Seriously, how do these women imagine thier husbands hold down jobs if they cannot notice needs, anticipate issues and perform useful tasks without constant prompting and supervision?)
I get struggling if you’re both constantly at home. I rely on my alone time to decompress, but I recongize this as largely a me problem and it’s one we can manage together – it is not a reflection of his skills or gender.
That’s… a lot of words for “I reproduced with a man I don’t trust to effectively understand a household”
Funny here in Denmark a few years ago they delagated about 3 months of paternity leave to the dad, and it’s a “use it or lose it”, so if he doesn’t use it then it is just gone. And these dads actually manage to take care of their babies, women are not inherently better at childcare, every parent has to learn and men are just as capable of learning too. I have never met a single mother who said they just immediately knew how to do everything like an instinct.
If he just sits at home playing games and making a mess then #1, he is literally neglecting the baby, and #2 you are with a manchild, and those will be a huge problem regardless. Don’t let him take those three months if he is such a piece of shit, as it would genuinely be easier to put your kid in a daycare instead.
All cultures need to stop acting like men are incapable of learning this shit. It’s working here in Scandinavia, especially Sweden has a good system. Don’t want to do childcare? Neither do I, that is why I am not having kids, if you choose to be a parent that is what you sign up for.
I mean, it may show you uncomfortable truths about your partner that you’ve been working hard to deny
I’m so tired of the bar being underground for fathers. The original article plays into the frustrating reality that many men do treat paternity leave as vacation time because that’s what they’ve been socialized to do. And then women, who are already recovering from birth and managing a newborn, are suddenly expected to also project manage their husband’s laziness?
Yes, there are some wonderful, competent, emotionally present fathers. I’ve met them. I’ve seen them do their share without needing praise or direction.
But let’s be real they’re the exception, not the norm. And that’s the whole point: if paternity leave is only helpful when the man is one of the rare “good ones,” then it’s not just a policy issue it’s a cultural one.
The solution isn’t to restrict leave. It’s to demand more from men and from systems that let them opt out of domestic and emotional labor. Don’t blame the policy. Blame the entitlement, the weaponized incompetence, and the patriarchy that taught him childcare is “helping” rather than parenting.
Stop lowering the bar. Let him trip over it.
I’m not going to read this article, paternity leave is the only reason my family has been able to function since our daughter was born. My wife has been in and out of in patient care with postpartum psychosis and I’ve had to be the caretaker for not just a newborn, but my wife when she’s in the house. It’s obviously zero percent my wife’s fault but I’ve basically been a single parent since the middle of May. If I wasn’t afforded twelve weeks of this leave I don’t know how we could have functioned. Postpartum psychosis is awful and I hope none of you reading this comment have had to deal with it.
If this is some form of trauma dumping sorry about that, I’m just a little overwhelmed and lost. I’m not even sure what my point is, this might just be rambling. I realize this comment might be tangential at best to this sub (maybe even the article itself) but just reading the headline really infuriated me.
If you feel that your partner is too incompetent to help take care of your child, I’d say your best bet is to not have kids with them. Women who trust their partners want their husbands to be there while they’re taking care of their kid
My husband was INCREDIBLE! I didn’t know jack squat about babies and he grew up with babies all around him. Thank goodness he had leave and could teach me!
Ugh this is infuriating. Get a better husband. I’m a SAHM currently and my husband had a light day at work today so he’ll be home until 3pm and it’s been fabulous! I’m having a great day. It’s so much easier to have two parents to share the now-toddler care.
Fuck the person who wrote that. My husband stayed home with me and our newborn for 3 months because he was in the process of switching jobs and we sold our camper van to replace his income. It was awesome and other than breastfeeding, he could do anything I could do. He took such good care of me and our baby and the house. Parenting with him has been the happiest time of my life.
Referring to your spouse having time off to be at home as a “domestic invasion” is hilariously offensive. Also, as someone who has done WFH with a spouse who also works from home for years now…why do you feel trapped or oppressed or annoyed? You either need better boundaries/more alone time, or your partner (or you, or both) just plain suck. Take a good look at your relationship and consider, “Why am I so bothered by this?” If you find being around your life partner intolerable, your relationship is not as healthy as you’d like to think it is.
To quote an oldie-but-goodie from another sub, it’s not about the yogurt collection in the fridge.
This is corporate propaganda not surprising from The Spectator, just playing on gender roles, but turning it so that all men are fundamentally incompetent at housework or childcare, rather than outright saying its women’s work, or that men shouldn’t do it.
>What unsettles me is the idea of my husband being in the house. All day. For months on end. Anyone who lived through lockdown with a furloughed spouse, or whose partner works from home, will understand that having your other half home all day does not always mean domesticated bliss.
Yeah that’s a you problem, the law shouldn’t just take into account her personal discomfort at a hypothetical “consequence” of this law… That’s not a valid reason to oppose paternity leave.
You should repost this to r/dontbethatguy
I think subconsciously this is the very reason I have not had kids.
Gosh. Who is she trying to convince with this??
I have seen completely the opposite. In my country, they extended the paternity leave recently to be as long as the mother’s, and I have mostly good things to say about it.
It only has been in effect for a few years, but you can already tell some positive differences (I work in a very male dominated field, so it is specifically noticeable). My friends have had kids within all pat leave ranges (from only 2 weeks to 16 depending on the year) and not one would prefer the shorter version.
If anything, people are eager to its lengthening (the government promised an extension to 20 weeks for each partner, but it has not become written law yet). I am myself currently pregnant and let me tell you, I have all my fingers and toes crossed for the 20 week pat leave to be approved within the timeline my partner could use it 😅
Thank goodness my husband is on paternity leave currently with me. He’s been fantastic and honestly I wish he had longer.
Yeah, God forbid your partner gets a brief sabbatical. “GO BACK TO WORK YOU LAZY POS!”
I’m not saying they shouldn’t help out and they really shouldn’t get in the way, but tone down the animosity mixed with capitalist bootlicking.
Lmao this woman is projecting her own husbands inability to properly function to all other husbands, as if theyre all the same. Laughably petty, really.
Edit: if you cant stand your partner coexisting for longer periods of time, maybe reconsider your marriage..
In my case, my first husband was inept and bumbling. He took his leave as a time to fill himself up rather than help with my recovery and caring for our babies. He did stupid stuff like get his legos out of storage and build for 4 days straight. And put a lift on his truck himself in the garage. He even took a weekend with his family to the mountains and left us at home.
Life would’ve been better had I been alone the whole time.
My second husband is a champion of a human and full on cares for our kids. He was with me through it all. Changed all the diapers. Cooked all the food. Cleaned. Cared for me and the baby. But from what I’m told in real life (I work with families and mothers/babies) I am astounded by how many men are more like my first husband than my second.
What a sad article. I don’t understand why people marry/procreate with someone that they can’t trust to consider them.
This woman has a husband problem, not a paternity leave problem
This is gross. Trying to deny families more time together because her husband is a failure as a parent and spouse is terrible. There are men that act this way and men that don’t, but the goal is bring everyone up, not down.
I lost brain cells reading that article.
Said no one ever.
Here, paternity leave is pretty standard. I know my brother’s ex-wife took her leave first with both kids because my brother out earned her by a lot. But then he took his, and yeah, the kids were older each time, but he still did the actual childcare and the chores and the food and all that. Otherwise, I’m sure his wife would have told him to get back to work since again he out earned her anyway.
Women of childbearing age will be penalized career-wise if we have maternity leave but no paternity leave.
Here is what is needed:
I agree with the anti-paternity leave propaganda, but the most hilarious thing to me is it’s giving you more options. He wouldn’t have to take it. Tell him to keep working if he’s shit to be around, he’ll get paid full wages then. This is the stupidest article and almost funny in how obvious the solution is.
These articles are written by corporate CEOs. Every dad I know is very competent (we ALL have stuff to learn) and wants time with their kids.
But reality is that many men (and majority of men in many countries) would use paternity leave exactly as vacation because they just stone confident that childcare is not mens problem no matter what
This is the second article I’ve seen with someone trying to argue against extending paternity leave, and it’s maddening.
I gave birth just over a week ago, and due to complications it ended up being an unplanned C-section. I’m so so lucky my husband had enough holiday that he’d already planned to take 5 weeks off (2 pat leave albeit terribly poorly paid, plus 3 weeks holiday) because I can’t imagine how I’d cope if he had to go back to work next week. With the C-section recovery I can’t drive for 6 weeks and currently I’m still struggling a bit with general movement. He’s been an absolute rock; doing all laundry, meals, keeping the place generally tidy, nipping out to pick up groceries or meds, doing most of the nappy changes. I’m needing to top up the feeds with additional expressed milk just now to clear jaundice, and my husband helps me pump and gives the expressed feeds to the baby to give me a bit of a break. He’s also making sure to spend plenty of time bonding with baby and it’s an absolute joy to see them together.
If we could have 6 months off together it would be an absolute dream. I don’t think anyone should be arguing against improved paternity leave just because they happen to be married to someone incompetent.
Fuck off right wing idealism
I’m a dad to an awesome 8yo little girl and I’ve been highly engaged the entire time. I had to borrow against future leave to scrape together 6 weeks of leave after my wife’s 12 weeks were up. It also meant my wife could return to work not having to worry about anything and we didn’t need to rely on daycare until later on. I wouldn’t trade that 6 weeks for anything. That was primo bonding time with my kiddo at her youngest. Since then my job always had more flexibility and less travel than my wife’s (she is a high level leader in a software/services company) so it always made sense for us to have me be the primary parent for stuff like school events, sick calls, etc.
Every family has a different dynamic and needs to figure out what works best for them but having parental leave for men is an amazing option to have for those that need or want it. If someone doesn’t want to take advantage, that’s their call, but don’t limit the rest of us from being engaged parents.
Blaming the paternity leave because she is sick of her husband what and insane take
Article author’s next masterpiece probably is “Please don’t pay my husband more money for his job or he’ll spend it all on booze and beat me”
I had this conversation with my uncle when we were expecting our daughter. In our state both parents get 3 months paid leave and my uncle stated “that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard” and proceeded to talk about how his company hired a consultant who was on family leave- he just didn’t have anything to do.
But then my aunt marveled at how hands on her sons are in parenting- “they even change diapers!”- so my main feeling in all this is always feeling sorry for my aunt.
It’s so frustrating how some men still treat paternity leave like a vacation instead of a chance to actually help… and it makes you wonder how we’re ever going to make these policies work if they’re just gonna add more stress for the people who need it most.