I (40f) really need advice with how to proceed with my family (parents mid-60s). This has been going on for years and I’m reaching a breaking point. My parents sweep things under the rug, especially difficult emotions. So, confronting them about my feelings regarding this and the mess it’s created has been extremely difficult.
My husband and I got engaged in December 2022. My parents were so happy for us, and cried tears of joy as I had gone through a divorce years prior and they were happy to see me happy again and in a healthy relationship. They also loved my boyfriend.
Over the next couple weeks, my fiancé and I decided to have a destination wedding as we had both done the church and big wedding thing in both of our previous marriages, and wanted something more simple and fun. We decided Mexico would be the place and picked a date for January 2024 (13 months away). We made this announcement to our families. My husband (fiancé at the time) has children in their early 20s, whom were very excited about this. My parents…not so much. Their first excuse, in what would be a series of excuses, was they weren’t sure if they could get time off work. My mom is a hairstylist and owns her own salon, and my dad had been with his company for 25 years at that point. Not to mention, this was over a year’s notice. I was kind of taken a back by it. I briefly considered it may be an issue with finances, but they had recently paid off their house and had mentioned then, that it was nice to have the extra money each month.
A few weeks go by and my fiancé and I are at my parent’s house visiting and we bring up the wedding. My mom gets all serious and says she’s not sure she’ll be able to go, she has developed a debilitating fear of flying. I’m shocked by this, as she had recently gotten back from a trip to AZ with her sisters in which she had to fly. Never once mentioned it when I had asked her how her trip was. This is feeling like another excuse, but I try to be sympathetic and suggest talking to her doctor about this, maybe he can prescribe medication or we can look into meditation. I offered to help figure something out as we have lots of time. Then, later that evening, my dad suggests getting married in Hawaii. I looked at him with utter shock, informing him mom would still have to fly there. I’m getting a sense that Mexico is the issue. This is confirmed as the weeks go on and they explain to me that they don’t feel safe going to Mexico. My parents don’t do a lot of traveling outside of their little bubble. So, to me, this is a valid concern, especially with how Mexico can be made to look in the media. So, we have them over and go over where we are going, a nice resort town and gated resort. Explained safety of this area vs traveling to other areas in the US that can be just as bad, but aren’t perceived this way as it’s in the US. So, explaining to them the safety of where we are going while they are getting conflicting info from the media is proving to be difficult. At one point in a separate conversation with my dad, me mentions they are “afraid of the people”.
We are now a few months from the wedding. It’s fall 2023. My parents have actually agreed to go and booked their plane tickets and put down a deposit with the travel agent I had been using for all of this (travel agent confirmed this to me). But in all of this time, there has been no excitement on their part about the wedding. No questions asked about how wedding planning is going, what we are doing for this or that. But, I’m trying not to let it bother me.
A few weeks later, I brought my mom along to my wedding dress fitting where she will be seeing me in my dress for the first time and the only comment out of her mouth was how I “better not put on any weight”. What was supposed to be a meaningful moment has been ruined. I’m quiet on the ride back to drop her off at home.
At this point, I’ve had enough and I send a text to my parents explaining how I’m feeling and that it feels like they don’t want to go. They respond with “we see the world differently”, how it’s a dangerous place and “WWIII Russian Sleeper Cells are waiting” blah blah blah. I tell them they need to decide why to do, that I’m done begging them to go. A few weeks go by and it’s been radio silence. I text them asking if they made a decision. My dad’s text 6 weeks before we are supposed to leave:
“I have to inform you that we will not be going to Mexico. We do not need any reimbursement for anything. I will call travel agent tomorrow.”
I never responded. I was devastated. My fiancé texted them asking week later asking them not to contact me, that I was heartbroken. He told them we’d reach out sometime after the wedding. I blocked them, so I don’t know if they ever attempted to contact me.
The wedding and trip was AMAZING. They missed out on something very beautiful and special. About 2 months after we get back, I unblocked them and ask if they want to come over and visit about things. My goal in this was to figure out the exact reason they didn’t want to go. I heard so many excuses and I was so lost. They told me it’s because they were so torn, they visited with their “therapist” aka pastor and he told them not to go. What?! Shocked again. I couldn’t even look at them during this visit. We sat around our dining table and I just looked at my husband or down at my coffee. I couldn’t bear looking in their eyes. I never got the sense that they regretted it. I feel like they regretted the outcome, but to me that’s different than regretting their actions. This visit made them feel like our relationship is good again and they started reaching out. Just mundane stuff, sending cute videos or telling me about so and so. I wouldn’t respond as I wasn’t ready. They’d notice the silence after a while and then ask what’s wrong. I’d explain I’m having a hard time moving on. They’d say nothing. This has been going on for months now. And in this time, we’ve had some extended daily issues that brought us all together. I feel like my presence during this gave them the feeling of “she’s back, we’re a family again” but it wasn’t like that for me, I was being supportive to the rest of my extended family. The cycle would then repeat.
I finally texted them and asked them what did they think would happen when they decided not to go to the wedding. My mom says:
“I never dreamt in a million years that it would cause such a heartache for you. To be absolutely honest I don’t think I ever thought past the not going.”
I responded saying that was shocking that she didn’t think of the results of her actions. Radio silence. Haven’t heard anything from her since May 6. My dad has texted randomly about unrelated stuff.
I don’t know how to move on. I am feeling incredibly guilty not having them in my life and missing out on little milestones or events in my and my new families lives. Not to mention what’s going on in theirs. But I’m still so incredibly hurt by what they did. Clearly they just want to sweep things under the rug and pretend it didn’t happen and move on, but I can’t and I don’t want a surface level relationship with them. What do I do?!
TLDR: parents made excuse after excuse not to come to my wedding, not shocked that I’m having a hard time having a relationship with them. Feeling guilty about it and need advice.