Need support/advice/prayers
Hi, I’m not sure what I am looking for here, more just needing to get all this off my chest.
In 3 days I (33F) am going to have to testify against my brother (32) and I am an emotional wreck. He has committed a horrific crime against one of our cousins (23M) and while I 100% know he is guilty I am sad and scared and missing the brother I loved.
TW: abuse, sexual abuse
Important background information: my brother (S) was adopted at birth by my parents. However he had an incredibly difficult start to life. His bio mother tried to abort the him when she was 6 months pregnant by taking a huge amount of drugs. As a result S was born 3 months premature and addicted to god only knows what. When he was about 5 S was diagnosed with autism.
Growing up with him was hard. He was violent, having massive tantrums all the time, he was sneaky and would do everything he could to get me into trouble. But sometimes he was the sweetest kid ever and he idolised me.
However as he got older he got worse, he was emotionally abusive to me and my parents. Would threaten to hurt us or himself. Was a compulsive liar and often lived in his own fantasy world. He would lie, cheat and steal. So four years ago when I was contacted by the police saying S had been arrested I wasn’t hugely surprised. By then I had gone NC with him to protect my self, my marriage and my kids.
It was when the police told me the charges that I broke
S was charged with “unlawful sexual conduct with a minor”
When S was 17 he repeatedly raped our 9 year old cousin! I want to be sick!
While I didn’t know about it happening I used to babysit the 9 year old and that is enough for the police to want me to testify.
As S was also a minor at the time I don’t think he is going to go to prison but I do want him to. I’m convinced that since S thought he got away with this for 10 years there must be other victims of his out there. That is how he works.
From what the detective in charge has told me the defence is arguing the S doesn’t understand that what he did was wrong! Saying that because of his autism and other issues (suspected bipolar and low IQ) he can’t comprehend right from wrong!! It’s bullshit, he knew what he was doing was wrong, just like he knew stealing from our parents was wrong, he just didn’t care.
Anyway I don’t know what to do or how to feel. Luckily my parents statements are enough that they don’t have to testify. If they did I think it would kill my mum. Currently they are overseas and will be gone for the trial which means I am feeling very vulnerable and alone in this.
If you have read this far, please send me strength. It is hard being family of the person who commits a crime. Harder being family of the victim too.
Comments
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I’m so sorry. What a terrible situation all around. It’s completely understandable to be an emotional wreck – anytime a child is hurt, it’s horrible. Adding in that it’s someone you suffered years of crap from…just adds to the mess.
But thank you. Thank you for being willing to support the (then) child through this. That’s huge. Like major huge.
Hugs to you. ❤️
What an awful situation. I can’t imagine the stress of having to testify against family. You are courageous, and I’m sure your cousin appreciates that they have family standing up for them.
While this is a difficult thing to do, you are capable. Lean on whoever you can and trust as you go through this, and afterwards. If you haven’t started therapy, it would be worth doing so. What you are experiencing is a type of trauma, so having a network of personal and professional support will help.
As hard as it is, I believe in you, in the strength you have, in the love you have for your family, and your capability to do this.
This is awful. You are right to do this, you are strong and you can do this. So sorry this happened. Virtual hugs to you.
I know it’s difficult. I’m going to suggest getting into therapy, as the dealings with your brother growing up and going nc undoubtedly is more than enough trauma. Testifying in court is another level, however, of trauma.
You might want to discuss with a lawyer if there’s an alternative option, like a written statement, that would allow you to avoid testifying in person.
No matter what, you’ve got this. No matter the outcome, you’ll have done your part.
While it’s desirable to hold him accountable, if he’s delusional, autistic and lower IQ, it’s possible his defense is legitimate. Remember, they’re trying him based on what he was like at that time, not based on who he is today.
Even if found guilty, as you said, he’s probably not going to do time.
Whatever you do, however, this lays the groundwork for trying him for other crimes committed as an adult.
You are doing the right thing by testifying.
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this and even more so that you are going through it alone. I hope your spouse is able to be supportive of you right now. Honestly, if you have not already talked to a therapist, I would highly recommend doing so for your own mental health.
Sending strength and love your way. 💕
Arm yourself so you can protect yourself and your children if necessary because if he walks from this your children could become his next targets.
As an autistic person who was married to an autistic asshole with 3 very different autistic kids….my ex knew what he was doing. Autism isn’t mental delay, its a disconnect between the brain and communication. Autistic people are very intelligent but cannot get the words/thoughts out.
The truth will come out.
Stay strong. Be honest. You’ve got this.