My boyfriend (26M) and I (25F) have been together for just over 5 years now. We have very different approaches to sex and desire. I’m very reserved, rarely in the mood unless I’m like ovulating and then I can be quite interested. Although, I could go weeks without any activity and be perfectly fine. He could do it anytime, all the time. He asks me all the time if I want to, practically daily. Sometimes, I get frustrated and annoyed by his constant asking. He backpedals and says he’s joking which is further frustrating because maybe I’m wrong to think this but I don’t believe it. Seems like he’s just trying to make it feel like he wasn’t asking, but c’mon if I said yes, it suddenly wouldn’t have been a joke, right?
When we first got together, there was a lot more sex than there is now (multiple times a week, now we’re down to a few times a month). Everyone is different, but I’m struggling to find some perspective on if this is just the normal evolution of relationships over time. I’m a sciencey person so my first thought goes to, he’s in his prime and his brain is telling him breed, breed, breed! I try to respect that but sometimes he crosses the line, asking multiple times after I’ve said no. Don’t get me wrong here, I have never been forced, just annoyed, then deal with a disappointed sad boy. I don’t think he tries to guilt me on purpose, but with my people pleaser personality, I feel greatly affected by his reaction, and struggle to ever tell him no.
On top of that, I’m an acts of service type of love, and he is physical touch. So he wants to be constantly touching and cuddly. I like my personal space. I don’t like to be touched when I’m going to sleep. He for the most part respects that, but will ask for cuddles and I will give because I know he needs it. Other times I will decline because I’m not in the mood to be touched, and he’ll make the pouty face and whine. I’ve told him before that it makes me feel guilty, and would he please respect my answer of no. I’ve gotten into the bad place of saying yes even when I didn’t want to just to make him happy. That turned into being very poor for my well-being, and I have since stopped doing that.
We’ve had long conversations about our differences over the years, and have continued to make compromises for each other and stay together. Recently, we’ve started to discuss marriage. I’m interested, but my answer isn’t an immediate and overwhelming yes like I feel it should be. Finally, I wasn’t sure where to put this, and maybe I’ve completely buried the lead with this, he has gained about 100 lbs since we started dating (200 up to 299, now 280). I’m not innocent and will admit I’ve gained weight too. I was 195 (after weightloss from 240) when we met, made it up to 235, and exercised and weight trained my way back to 210. I’ve been overweight my entire life, so I sympathize with this change in his life and know it’s related to him feeling happy and safe in our relationship, but I feel like it’s affected my attraction to him… We’ve discussed it because I didn’t want to keep it from him, and we’ve started to work on our weight together, but even bringing it up made me want to crawl out of my skin for even saying a thing about another person’s weight. Sometimes looking at him now I don’t feel the same way that I did before.
TL;DR My boyfriend and I don’t want the same amount of sex or touch. We’ve both gained weight together and I’m struggling with attraction to him. He wants to move forward to marriage and I’m not sure.
Comments
People will have different opinions on that matter. My personal take is that you two aren’t a good match.
I have been where your boyfriend is in a relationship. Our libidos didn’t match. He could go for weeks without sex, while I have a much higher sex drive and got frustrated over time, feeling unloved and not appreciated. I built up a lot of resentment, feeling he kind of lied to me, going from once a day to once a month. Like he had initially put up an act to trap me in, and when he felt safe, he just wasn’t into sex anymore.
On the other hand, I never wanted him to feel sex like a chore, something he has to do to make me happy. I wasn’t happy, cause I felt he just did it for me.
Finally, I left him and found a much better match.
You’re describing sexual incompatibility.
This is not going to change, and you both should have realized this years ago.
“I rarely want sex and also I’m less attracted to my partner now that he’s gained weight.”
Girl, just break up with him because this is honestly unfair to both of you but *especially* to him.
(I’m a woman with a high libido.)
You need to find someone with a lower sex drive or it will foster resentment on both sides.
Read the dead bedroom on Reddit which will show so much damage to relationships and very little success.