Hello all, long post…..I(f36) am pregnant by my fwb (m41) I live in Los Angeles, he lives in Texas. I’ve known him since 2022(I just moved back to LA after living in Texas 8 years )and we have always had a respectful but casual relationship. I created distance from him as I moved away and wanted something serious, and this last time I went to Texas (I go often) he begged to meet up, like everyday I was there he was asking if I could come over,on my last day I broke and ended up going over there. Obviously we had sex…three weeks later my boobs were very sore,I took a pregnancy test and POSITIVE. I sent him a picture of the test and his immediate response was “I can’t be having another kid rn” For context we are both divorced with 2 kids from previous marriages. I personally wouldn’t be having unprotected sex if I wasn’t ok with having a child so I told him I WILL NOT BE ABORTING the child. Since then he’s been distant, prior he texted often, sent memes and constantly watched me on social media.Obviously this is not ideal but I’m older and wanted a 3rd child just not like this…I guess my question is how should I move forward. Should I feel bad about possibly putting him on child support if need be (although I don’t want to) any advice from men or women in this situation would be helpful.
Pregnant at 36 by a fwb
r/Advice
Comments
It’s a pretty shitty thing to do to force a person into this world who is unwanted by a parent.
Don’t worry about him. He’s a grown man, he knew the risks. He will come back around or not. Don’t rescue his feelings.
I mean he’s the one being immature here by essentially ghosting you. I wouldn’t feel bad for putting him on child support. It is his obligation to do so
To my mind, there is no question about whether you should demand that he pay child support. In fact, respectfully, I am surprised that you would even raise that as a question.
Simply put, he has to step up to the plate, no matter what is required of him and no matter how inconvenient.
He is responsible for the consequences of his behavior, just like everyone else.
Needless to say, THAT ^ is an elementary and unavoidable fact of life.
I would humbly recommend that you contact a lawyer if necessary. In fact, you might want to do that in any event, and — depending on how he reacts when you deliver the news — perhaps let him know.
What the fuck is wrong with you
You wouldn’t be having sex with out protection since you want baby.
What about him. Did you ask him that?
I would abort it or give it up for adoption.
You were not on birthcontrol?
You’re not the villain for holding someone accountable you’re creating life, not chaos, and he knew the risks when he begged you over. If he won’t show up willingly, child support isn’t revenge it’s responsibility, and your baby deserves nothing less.
Need more information. Did you indicate that you were on some sort of birth control or did he ask? If this is not something you discussed in advance, there are lots of levels of responsibility here. Clearly both of you had unprotected sex, but what was the expectation of the outcome?
This was one of the “benefits”?
Fwb?
We can bash him (and you!) for not using contraception all day long. At the end of it, you need to decide how you feel about raising this child on your own, and extracting child support from your friend.
There is not a right answer here, and I am not telling you what to do. On one hand, I think it was pretty clear that this arrangement was meant to be fun, and that this is an unintended consequence. On the other, he had every opportunity to do this safely and responsibly. Whether that should result in an unwanted child, and 18 years of child support, is up to you. I would put yourself in his situation, and imagine that this was happening to you instead.
Regardless of all of that, the most pressing issue is whether you can responsibly raise and care for this child on your own. Unfortunately, you cannot take child support as granted. This will likely require a court-ordered paternity test, which may be difficult to get, and take a long time in coming. Even if that happens, there is no guarantee that he will dodge his financial responsibilities, most likely by working under the table. Unless you can provide for this child solo, having the child is a risky and irresponsible choice. Should things go poorly, your children will reap the consequences of this decision along with you.
It is clear that he will have no direct part in raising this child. Being able to properly care for and support your children should be your foremost concern. This outweighs, “I really want another baby,” by 1000 to 1. A child growing up without a second parent in the home is already at a serious disadvantage. Don’t let your selfishness punish your children further.
He’s 41. He knows how babies are made. If he was so adamant that he can’t have another kid, he knows how to prevent them.
Whether he’s involved with the child or not, he has a financial responsibility. He made his choice when he didn’t use a condom. His feelings aren’t more important than yours.
Tough situation.
Part of me is thinking that the “okay with unprotected sex because I wanted another child anyway” doesn’t really take the other person into account. But then if he was really all the concerned, he should have insisted on protected sex as well.
So… kind of a shared responsibility on both your parts. And communication prior would have been good. Had he known (and maybe he did) that you wanted another child, he may not have been so insistent on hooking up, or at least would have been insistent on using protection.
But, lack of clear communication, and what’s done is done.
Unfortunately, you don’t know what your future holds. You could get sick next year, hit by a bus, lose a job, etc, and that child will still need to be properly cared for. You both have that responsibility now, even if he says he doesn’t want it.
So, communication now is more important than ever. Talk through what your thoughts are… do you plan on carrying the bulk of the load? It sounds like it, so communicate that. But there’s so much that he’ll need to be at least a part in… medical history, “why didn’t my dad want me” conversations that no kid deserves to have to have.
You’re going to have to communicate and lay it all out.
Do you or the child (eventually) need…
Emotional support
Educational support
Financial support
Medical support (insurance, covered eventual medical deductibles)
More…
All of the above, some of the above, or do you just leave it as “I will handle these things, but if I’m no longer able to, you may need to step up on occasion”.
The fact is (and this is a bit gauche), he was willing to put it in there, and you were willing to let him, and neither of that is the kid’s fault. So that kid deserves both of you at least being willing to support them the way that they need.
So… get your notes together regarding what you think you’re going to need to support the kid (and you have that experience already), and decide what you are going to do on that list and what you may need the dad’s help with, and then communicate.
I imagine both of you have some fear going on as well… at least fear of what is going to happen next. Communication will help resolve a lot of that fear, and give the kid a chance at having an okay life.
You had a fling, ended up pregnant and now you want the guy to pay for the kid for the rest of his life. This is a huge problem in America. He obviously doesn’t want it. If it were the other way around you would be screaming” my body, my choice!” . How about giving the man a choice!
Girl he’s a grown man. He knew the risks he was taking when you guys had unprotected sex and you’re not on BC. if he doesn’t want anything to do with the kid, he should at least be helping to financially support it. I know that’s not ideal for you, but actions have consequences. Two people took risks and partook in creating this child. It’s not fair for one person to be solely responsible for it.
Don’t feel bad. Y’all played a game and won a prize. If you don’t want to abort, don’t. But just make sure you can have another child at this point (financially and emotionally).
Why were you having unprotected sex? Why did you want to be a FWB to someone who doesn’t want to use protection.
Poor baby.
Look, this isn’t gonna do much for the future, but people in a casual, sexual relationship having unprotected sex should talk about what happens in case of pregnancy, because that’s really just playing with fire.
Given the casual nature of your relationship, I think it’s also safe to assume that your partner had no reason to expect you’d keep the child if anything happened.
He might even have assumed you were on hormonal contraception – or did you outright tell him that you haven’t taken any measures to prevent pregnancy?
In any case, that’s exactly the kind of difficult scenario that often gets brought up, even if slightly easier from a purely logical perspective (though logic doesn’t matter a whole lot here).
My take is this: Your body is yours, and therefore ultimately the decision whether or not to have the child lies with you.
However, unless quite literally everything was on the table (both of you knowing that none of you use any form of contraception, him knowing that you are okay with the possibility of having another child), it very much is unfair towards him to force him into this situation.
You would essentially be punishing him for something based on a foundation potentially unknown to him as the context alone gives off a different message.
If this was my decision, I’d want the pregnant partner to abort the child unless they sufficiently can and intend to care for the child alone unless the biological father actively wanted to play a part in the child’s life or support them financially.
If, however, everything was on the table (both being aware of neither using any sort of protection, of the acceptance of the female partner towards pregnancy, of the wish of the female partner to have another child) and both went forward with the situationship despite that, things change.
In that case, the male partner would have been fully aware of not just the massively increased risk but also the most likely consequences, and by engaging despite that they should be held responsible.
In that case, if the pregnant partner decides to keep the child, the biological father should fulfill his duty and support mother & child. And if they refuse to, they should be held accountable and be forced to pay up.
Edit: Some people may not agree with this, and I do expect a fair amount of downvotes, but this is the most rational and fair way to look at it while respecting the mother’s autonomy and right over her own body and not entirely disregarding the other partner because of it.
I can also already see the “he’s a grown man, he knows something can happen” comments in response to this.
We’re still talking about a situationship between two grown people, though, and there may have been a wrong premise. And if that was the case, holding him accountable to the same degree as someone knowing all of the circumstances and engaging nonetheless is essentially akin to robbing every man who’s ever impregnated a woman regardless of the circumstances of their agency in the situation.
If we are shooting for anything close to equality (obviously there never can be equality in this situation), the circumstances need to be recognised and affect if and to which degree the biological father is being held accountable & responsible. That’s the only way, really.
So – difficult topic, which is why I expect downvotes as well, but this is the most rational way to look at it.
My only question is about the conversation before the sex about whenever the unprotected sex was safe from your end. Because things happen but if you said it was safe from your end and conversations were never had about even the possibility. It’s alittle unfair to spring things on a person who had no desire for a child solely because you want another one. Personally if I did it, I wouldn’t feel the right to expect anything from the person much less money.
Looking at the comments
Now I know why Trump won. I was cursing myself I didn’t do enough to get Kamala elected.
Why they called testosterone election?
We are living in echo chambers. We have to hold each other accountable
Springing up a child with out mutual consent or discussion is wrong
She should have told him she is on contraception
I agree he should have asked too
Honestly if I was in your position I’d cut contact with him, have my baby and do it all on my own- sure it will be harder but it’s not impossible.
Yikes sorry
So he doesn’t have a choice but she does? She wants another child, he doesn’t. She’s thinking about putting him on child support, so now he may have to pay for an unwanted child. How is that fair or right? She went to him. It doesn’t sound like he forced her. She’s an adult and should have used protection.
You are pretty disgusting as a 36yr old woman to deliberately get pregnant with a FWB because you wanted a third child. But, your body, your choice, I feel bad for a child being brought into the world for such selfish reasons knowing from the outset no present father. I also feel bad for your other two kids having a mother as irresponsible as you. If you wanted a kid so bad you could have used a donor.
You have not reason to feel bad about putting him on child support. He is the father of the child and the money is for the child’s needs.
You should feel bad for bringing a child into this world that is unwanted by one of its parents. I’m sorry but that’s very selfish to put that on a child just because you want another baby.