My MIL has repeatedly asked my husband—not me—if she can be at the hospital when I give birth. I think she assumes that if she gets him alone, he’ll cave. Thankfully, he hasn’t. Every time, he’s told her it will just be the two of us. She always says “okay,” but I still don’t feel confident she’ll respect that boundary.
We saw her last week for what will likely be the last time before I give birth (I’m 35 weeks). As we were leaving, she grabbed my arm rather aggressively and said, “You better tell me when you go into labor.” It caught us both off guard—we laughed awkwardly (probably a mistake) and told her we’d update the whole family when necessary.
Now I can’t shake this uneasy feeling. Her tone, the grab. It didn’t sit right. I’m worried she might ignore our wishes and show up anyway. She also keep mentioning that we can’t have the baby on “XYZ” day, because she has a concert that night that she got tickets to. Like why would that matter if she’s not going to be there for the birth? Just come after the concert? Preferably the WEEK OR TWO after when we actually invite her… I just want to focus on our baby, but this has been weighing on me. Do we have any chance of setting her expectations straight?
Further context: She has been on an info diet for the most part, and I generally grey rock her via text but she does get occasions to see us where she tries to overtake all the conversations.
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No, you don’t tell her and you let the labor and delivery team know she doesn’t get in. Period.
Be prepared by telling the hospital staff the situation and they will keep her out of your room. Hell in most places they won’t even let you in the wing if the family doesn’t want you in there with them.
Just dont tell her until after. Once labor begins, you become hyper-focused anyway. It’s easy to focus and block out the rest of the world. Make sure you and hubby are on the same page and she’ll get over it. If she causes a fuss after just say ” you were told numerous times it would just be the two of us. If your feeling are hurt because you had different expectations for my labor and delivery, ill need to to work that out alone or with a therapist”
Dont trust her to not come. Register anonymously and let the hospital know you do not want ANY visitors. You have a built in security system if you use it at the hospital. Then dont call her until you have given birth and are ready for her full court press. Then your hubs needs to be firm and tell her when you are ready for visitors he will tell the family. Or simply say you arent feeling up to entertaining for a while until you HEAL. If she cant understand that its her problem.
Don’t let her know when you go into labor…I personally wouldn’t tell her until 2 weeks after have LO
When she grabbed you, I would have yelled “GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME AND YOU WILL NOT BE IN THE DELIVERY ROOM “
She grabbed you?!? WTF?! She needs a stern talking to from your husband and a lengthy time out.
Do NOT tell her when you go into labor. List as private with no visitors allowed at the hospital and tell your labor and delivery nurses that your mother-in-law is overbearing and you don’t want her in the delivery room. That way, if she somehow sneaks past all the defenses and shows up, they will honor your wishes and turn her away.
If I were you, I would threaten husband and tell him not to let her know until after the baby is born
I have solid money that says she suddenly going to start calling and texting you or your husband every day with some made up excuse so she can see if you have gone into labor or not. You guys need to get in the habit of not answering her calls and only responding to texts a day or two later so she doesn’t catch on When you are in labor
Since she is on crotch watch it’s time to start not replying for hours that slowly turn into days when she texts or calls you. Same for your husband. “Sorry, I have my phone on DND so I can nap/ phone was in the other room/ we were busy and forgot to text you back.”
Then when you do announce the arrival to her be ready to push “send” on your SM announcement so everyone sees yours before she can post your news.
Your husband needs to lay down the law and enforce it. His family. His responsibility. He needs to do this before the baby comes or she will keep pushing for more!!!!
He needs to let her know now what your wishes are. Otherwise she will make her own assumptions and show up at the hospital. He needs to tell her very plainly that she can meet the baby when you both feel up to it probably a week or two after you are home from the hospital. Tell her if she shows up at the hospital you will not let her into the room.
You can also tell the hospital that you do not want any guests and they will help keep people out. I know when I was in labor I told them just my husband in my room.
Good luck OP congrats on the baby!!!!!!
Lol, like your body is gonna let you wait if its time to give birth because SHE has a concert. Let the nurses know she’s not allowed and they will take care of it.
At 35 weeks you need to stop contacting her at her whim. If she tries to contact you, wait a day before you respond. She is going to increasingly harass your socials and phones to test you, if you don’t respond then she will assume you went into labor and show up at the hospital. Let her know iw you will only respond to her queries at your convenience snd not hers. Do let her jump to her conclusions a few times before you actually deliver so she is somewhat less sure about your status. Also, like others said, register under a fake name, tell the staff no visitors, and take a photo to show security so they can keep her from ever reaching you, so you don’t even know ow she tried until after you have been sent home.
Make sure you tell the nurses, your doctor, security that MIL is not allowed around you or baby.
Don’t answer any phone calls. Let them all go to voicemail.
She 100% plans on being at the hospital.
Tell everyone 3 days after you give birth or the day you get home. Then don’t answer the door. Find your new normal for 4 to 8 weeks and then let them know when they can come over. No more than 2 to 3 people at a time. The visits should be no longer than 2 to 3 hours. Hubby needs to prepare to stay by your side, take the baby from people, and push them outside if necessary. Have a safe delivery!
You don’t need her around stressing you out. Definitely tell the hospital you want your husband only and no visitors. They will back you up 100 percent.
Don’t tell her when you go into labor. Let her find out much after the fact and then she can throw a fit by herself. It isn’t your job to manage her emotions.
The best thing you can do before you go into labor is to be clear with your medical staff about who is and isn’t allowed to come in to see you. You can also ask them to make your registration private so nobody will even know you’re there if they call and ask.
Make sure you have peace. Giving birth is traumatic, and you don’t need any added stressors. This woman wants to barge in while you’re naked from the waist down so she can act like a proud emotional grandma, and hold the grand baby to get her warm fuzzy Kodak moments, at your expense. Tell her nothing.
Don’t tell her until about a week after you’ve had the baby. Then she won’t be able to interfere. If your husband starts to seem like he is going to give in to his mom, tell him “This is the defining moment of our relationship and what you do right now will define how our future goes together.”
“I respectfully decline to acquiesce to your request. Means ‘no.’”
Tell your hospital staff that no one is allowed around except you and hubs.
Also, don’t let the family know that the baby is born until you are ready to do so. Which could be a week after you are home.
Don’t tell her when you go into labour, tell her when you’re home and ready for visitors. Meet her aggression with a power play of your own. In the meantime, when you do go into labour, make it very clear to hospital staff that nobody is allowed in except you and DH.
I would call her out on it (or have husband do it) if she keeps asking. “We’ve already talked about this. It will just be the two of us. You’re know when the time is right.” And keep it there. IF she keeps asking “We’ve already answered that question”. Sounds like she doesn’t need to know until the three of you are home and settled.
Does she have your husband’s location on her phone? If so, get that fixed.
Have him turn his phone off once you’re in labor, or at least turn off location and put it on DND – and neither of you answer calls once you’re there. This is a moment for the two of you.
Best wishes!!
Make sure you let hospital staff know that, under no circumstances, that anyone other than your husband is allowed to visit you. Before, during, or after your labor. Don’t tell anyone you’re going into labor! My DH and I didn’t say a peep till almost a week after we had our baby to let anyone know.
Also out of sheer pettiness, id ask to be induced on the day of her concert if possible. Birth is not a spectator sport and your MIL has absolutely no right or authority to try to butt in!
Make sure neither of your phones are sharing your locations with MIL. No announcements to family until you’re all home and settled.
My daughter has a plan, when she goes into labor we will come to her house and watch her animals. IF she is feeling up to it we can come visit once the baby is born. Then shoo with us till she and hubs have had plenty of time to get a schedule going and then we can have a visit.
These MIL’s that want to intrude are insane to me.
Grab? What a freak!
The hospital will prevent it. Tell them who is allowed in your room.
Your MIL shows up at the hospital expecting to get in, it should be at least 6 months minimum of NC and not seeing baby.
Clearly, MIL doesn’t give a crap about you, only her personal satisfaction.
Do not tell her when you clog into labor, tell hospital MIL is not permitted in with you
MIL has been and will be an absolute nightmare when the baby arrives. boundaries and consequences or MIL is absolutely going to ruin your newborn experience
STAND YOUR GROUND.
Do this because it worked for me.
Go into labor and tell no one. I mean no one. No posts no nothing. Have your baby stress free and enjoy the time you’re in t here hospital and again tell no one.
Obviously make sure you get lots of pictures but do not send them to anyone until you get home from the hospital and you have had a few days to yourself and then tell your mil but also add to the conversation that you will let everyone know when you’re ready for visitors as you would like to heal and get into a routine. Send some pictures and call it a day.
No is a complete sentence and that’s a hill I will die on.
Go with your gut, OP, and let the L and D nurses know not to let her in the room when you are in the hospital. They will respect your decision, even (and especially) if she doesn’t. Congratulations.
So don’t tell her when you go into labor. Then send out a group text 2 weeks after your home. If she has a fit, tell her if she tried respecting your boundaries, and you wouldn’t need to keep info to yourself.
Also, put up a camera doorbell, keep the doors locked, and don’t open the door if you didn’t invite her. Just go take a nap.
Also, tell you doctor, nurses, and hospital she is not allowed in your delivery room. She might have a source at the hospital that would let her know you’re there.
First of all, really sorry she’s being this invasive. It’s your birth and you have full ownership over who is there and how that goes.
That being said, I would also warn your hospital staff about this. If your nurses and doctors are informed, they will protect you from her entering your room. You might also want to get a private birth certificate for safety reasons.
You are fully within your right to keep her from visiting a few weeks (or more!). This is a very intensive medical procedure and you deserve the recovery you want. Keeping my fingers crossed for you, LO, and DH!
Send out a general “rules for visiting” email to everyone. Have it say things like:
Visitors will be invited. Anyone turning up anywhere (hospital or home) without an invitation will not be allowed to stay to visit. The front door will not be opened. Please arrange with DH to visit at least 48 hours before. No more than 3 visits a week.
No kissing the baby.
No photos to social media. Our child is not your social media model.
Visits last for 30 mins – 1 hour to begin with. If you’re late, the visit still ends at the original end time.
No more than 2-3 people, or one family (mum, dad & kids) visiting at one time.
Hand baby back when asked immediately. No walking off with baby to another room or ignoring the parents when they ask for baby back.
Any breaking rules mean the visit is immediately over. Any arguing means the next scheduled visit is cancelled.
We know you love us and the new baby, so these rules are asking for your help to help us adjust to being a new family of 3 with no sleep. Please be kind and respectful of this. Anyone who isn’t will not be allowed to visit until they can be.
Our child is not a toy or your emotional support. Your excitement does not come before our needs as a new family.
Just want to add, regardless of how much you trust your husband and how supportive he usually is, speak to the hospital staff yourself. Emphasize that you control who comes in, no one else not even your husband.
No shade on him but the emotional high of childbirth can screw with people’s heads. IMO it’s best to not test people in that situation.
I wouldn’t tell her when you go into labor. I would register as private, where they can’t give your information out (in fact, they can’t even say you are there)
But I would also tell her, in no uncertain terms, that if she shows up before she’s invited, she won’t be allowed in and will get a 2 week time out. And every time she has a tantrum, I’d add days to the time out. Lock your doors, gates, and everything and keep them locked. If you cave because she keeps crying and whining, she’s got you. She’ll just keep doing it to get her way. You teach people how to treat you.
Tell the nurses and your doctor she’s not allowed to be in the room. They will have your back!
I would tell her afterwards. She can deal
If you’re worried, tell the hospital staff. No visitors except husband. They’re VERY good about it
She’s crazy. Don’t tell her when you go into labour. And make sure the hospital staff know about her so they don’t let her know you have been admitted.
She’s gonna try to go through your DH. She thinks that if she knows you are in there that she can go to the hospital herself guilt him into coming to talk to her, keep her updated and end up spending more time addressing her needs than yours….she’s going to try and make your birth about her, using your husband to do it.
Your DH has to be prepared to ignore any of her attempts during labor, and he must acknowledge that no matter what she says or does that he will not leave your side. I wouldn’t put it past some of these MILs to go to the ER where you are with some sort of made up crisis. “But I’m just downstairs….”
Do not inform her baby is here until after you’re home and ready for visitors. Her feelings do not matter do not even gaslight yourself here. She’s made it so so so clear she plans to strong arm her way into your labor and your birth and your postpartum, your feelings clearly don’t matter to her so please don’t even consider hers when trying to protect your peace and the peace of your literal newborn.
If you have social media and she follows you, you should take some pictures now of yourself and/or you and your husband at restaurants, parks, movie theaters, etc. start posting them when you go to the hospital.
I guarantee, if she knows your due date, she is going to be all up in your business to figure out if you have gone into labor. This will throw her off of your scent and hopefully buy you some time/peace.
It’s disgusting that you would have to do something like this, but I hope it helps.
Also if baby comes during or after concert you can definitely mention you don’t want her coming cuz of illness and large crowds. Wakpit a week or so to make sure she did not get sick
Make sure she’s not following your husband’s location on anything!
Stop responding to calls and texts now. That way she will have no idea when you are labor simply because you are not answering your phones. Husband too. Don’t tell anyone you are in labor. Wait until you are home from the hospital. Then be FIRM that visitors are not welcome yet and the door WILL NOT BE OPENED to uninvited guests. And mean it.
I will be the MOST chill MIL. Truly. I had my kids.They’re in their twenties. I am not interested in being overly involved in my grandkid’s life. I will not offer up any advice. I will not do anything of the kind. I will show up only when invited and stay for ninety minutes. Bring treats and then leave
Don’t tell her anything until baby is born.
It’s not about her. Turn your phones off at the hospital and then register as private and give staff a pic of her and tell them she is not to be allowed in – unless you’ve given permission.
She is going to call daily to check if you are in labor. Answer once a week.
> She also keep mentioning that we can’t have the baby on “XYZ” day, because she has a concert that night that she got tickets to.
“MIL, baby will be here when they get here, just like you had zero input on baby’s conception, you have no input on when baby is born. Your concert is not our problem, our problem is you continually harping on about this. Stop it.”
You don’t feel confident she’ll respect your boundaries because she isn’t NOW. She keeps on pressing, keeps on needling and you keep on getting glimpses into her clearly planning to be there.
Her expectations aren’t based on reality, but only her feelings. She’s ignoring yours now, of course she’s going to ignore them later too.
Keep your peace and don’t text her until you’re at home settled in and feel strong enough not to answer the door if she shows up uninvited.
Literally role play and practice what to say with your SO so you’re on the same page and confident in the delivery.
You mentioned you’re worried about her reaction after. Makes sense. But you’re even more worried about her just showing up. She’s gonna be a pill either way so definitely prioritize your own timeline for dealing with that.
You are becoming parents. You’re going to have to heavily practice saying no to tantrums.
She will not die if she meets bubs 1 week after birth when you’re all settled in at home. If she truly can’t handle that, is a serious concern and she’s not a safe person to have around a baby and postpartum mother anyway and should ESPECIALLY be kept away.
It’s tough when parents act like entitled ass hats, but the only way to stop it is to ENFORCE your boundaries. Otherwise there’s just suggestions they’ll learn to glide right past and you’ll have many more fights on your hands than if you just say no upfront.
I told my mom when I was going into labor and she showed up. Biggest regret was not keeping it a secret until I was home and ready for visitors… keep those lips sealed
Don’t tell anybody anything until after you’re home and ready for visitors. That’s what our eldest did and she loved having that “baby bubble” without the drama.
I didn’t even tell my ILs when I was in labor, and I was overdue a week and a half and induced. Don’t tell them. And tell the nurses that your MIL is not welcome in the delivery room, they will throw down to back you up.
My MIL did this, and even suggested my husband sneak her up “while I was still loopy” from my c-section. What I did was IMMEDIATELY UPON CHECK IN tell the hospital staff absolutely NO visitors, especially her. The nurses will protect you like absolute warrior angels.
Let them know to tell you if anyone shows up, as well. If she shows up, she will be asked to leave or escorted off the premises if necessary, and you will have the evidence to put her in a time out until she learns to respect your boundaries.
L&D nurses will kick her out and keep her out if you don’t want her there.
The fact that she put her hands on you would be enough for me to go NC.
By laughing and not saying anything in the moment, you sent a subtle message that you are not firm in your stance. Dispel that notion completely. Your husband needs to tell his mother firmly, and in no uncertain terms, that she is not coming to the hospital. Your husband also needs to let her know that if she shows up uninvited, she will not be meeting the baby for x weeks.
Cut back contact so your MIL doesn’t start to suspect anything when you stop responding suddenly. If she doesn’t know which hospital you are going to, do not tell her. If it isn’t too much trouble, you could even ask your OB about delivering at a different hospital. When you arrive at the hospital, make it 100% clear that you want no visitors other than your husband. Double check that the L&D and postpartum/mother and baby units do not allow random visitors in without approval.
The sentence of ‘no’ was created for these oversteppers and boundary ignorers.
Congratulations on your babe. Enjoy the boundaries. Maybe tell the nursing staff that they need to guard the door for you all.
Absolutely tell no one when you go into labor, don’t tell anyone until you are ready for visitors. Preferably when you are home already. You husband has to swear on his life to tell literally NO ONE because even if he makes them pinky promise the MIL will still be told. Tell your nurses and the person at the front desk not to let anyone through as backup. Your MIL is definitely planning on just showing up, counting on you being too nice to kick her out.
It’s an easy fix. You tell the maternity ward “Absolutely no one in the delivery room other than husband.” They will enforce it. They are used to it. And today’s maternity wards are
Locked down like Fort Knox.