I will start by saying he’s a wonderful man and I won’t be divorcing him 🙃
He will listen and understand when approached with different views and is pretty progressive. He is appalled at the state of the country and he did not vote for this.
The problem is he doesn’t quite understand why I get so upset about the overturning of Roe and the subsequent consequences. I attribute this to the fact we don’t know anyone who has been personally affected, as well as lack of education about female human anatomy and the laundry list of dangers that can arise from pregnancy, birth, miscarriage, abortions, fetal anomalies etc. This is obviously an issue with a lot of men in America.
We have decided not to have children and I have had IUDs forEVER so I haven’t even had a period in years. I have tried explaining that there is still a possibility I could die from an untreated ectopic pregnancy even though I have the device, due to the new hellscape we live in.
This seemed to get through a little, but has anyone found a clear and simple educational resource to help explain to a man how and why our reproductive rights should matter more?
I have neurodivergence that can make it difficult to explain a complex subject to someone when it invokes my emotions, despite knowing what I want to say and being well versed. Maybe I’ll write him an essay 😭
Comments
“Imagine if the government controlled what you could and couldn’t do with your testicles; and could arrest you if you did something they didn’t like or went across state lines to a “Pro Testicle” state if they thought you might do something to your testicles there.”
I hope someone has a source for you. Previous relationships would have had to see me directly effected to move the needle on their opinions on importance of women’s rights. It’s not a good sign & this is typically the end result of ignoring a lack of empathy from men.
There are some great, often funny YouTube videos on this.
I’m not sure there is one. As you said, until he (or someone very close to him – a sibling, niece, daughter, wife, aunt, etc) is actually, personally affected… Well. Sadly, it’s very hard to get through to some people.
The very first thing the Nazis did in 1933 was strip women of their rights. Women were strongly discouraged from working. There were government policies that led to female government employees being dismissed.
Abortion was prohibited already, but if it had been allowed, the Nazis would have prohibited this.
What is happening in the USA is all from the same playbook and you have a right to be upset about it.
I have all boys. I asked my husband what he would think if they were all REQUIRED, by our government,to get a vasectomy at the age of 15?
I’m struggling with this as well. My husband will say the right things if pressed but really down plays everything. His new approach is anger if anything is mentioned about women’s rights because it is a direct affront top him. I’ve asked for marriage counseling.
It is a struggle to literally watch women’s rights being slowly being taken away and the one person you love the most thinks it’s “not that bad” or I take everything “too seriously”.
I would love to hear if anyone has been able to have success?
I’m not saying you should divorce him, but a wonderful man doesn’t not understand why you got upset over the overturning of Roe V Wade. In fact, one can’t be a wonderful man and not be upset at that himself.
If you’re not having kids and you’re not divorcing him, and you want advice about getting through to him on reproductive rights, ask him to get a vasectomy. I just did. It’s a breeze. And safer than birth control.
It’s about autonomy and control, they’re taking away women’s autonomy (something they don’t do to men) to force them into decisions they should be able to make for themselves.
You said he doesn’t understand why you get upset, does that mean he is not upset by or that he thinks it’s not a big deal?
This isn’t hypothetical any more, things are happening on a daily basis. Including deaths. Can he join somewhere like r/WelcomeToGilead where examples are presented of what is happening and how? So rather than trying to explain implications, he can see examples of what these legal and cultural changes are creating.
is he anti-choice, or is he stuck at “this doesn’t affect us so why are you charged about it?”
the latter describes an empathy problem. even if this doesn’t affect you directly, it affects any and every woman you care about. it is also a clear step towards fascism and the government fully owning women’s bodies.
how much women-focused media does he read or watch?
My SIL was pregnant with a WANTED pregnancy a couple years ago. This was shortly after Roe V Wade was overturned and in the state she lives in, the laws on the books basically said if the kid has a heartbeat then abortion is illegal. During her second trimester, she started bleeding. She had contractions. Her water broke. She went to the hospital and they determined something was wrong and the baby was probably going to die. It wasn’t dead yet, though. They explained that her options were to go on IV antibiotics and be on bedrest (which comes with its own risks) for as long as possible until the baby is born or dies. They explained she might get an infection that makes her sterile. She could get an infection that kills her.
Luckily she lived in a city where the doctors didn’t agree with the laws and were willing to take serious risks to say that her life was in grave danger and she needed to have an abortion, which she did. She was able to make a full physical recovery, and because of her care she was able to get pregnant again, and now has a healthy daughter. If she had been in another county, it’s entirely possible she’d be dead today. It’s also possible she would have had to have a hysterectomy due to an infection caused by a dead fetus, but lucky to have her life. Even with her brave doctors, her care was delayed by several hours so they were legally in a gray area.
My MIL said that while she always supported Roe V Wade, she never considered how many abortions are obtained by women who want a baby, who want the pregnancy they currently have, for life-saving reasons.
I know at least two women who could have been rendered infertile or dead if they didn’t have access to abortions for WANTED pregnancies. Luckily both of them have at least one child now. These are the cases that republicans ignore and brush off. They want to paint abortions as services that loose women get without a second thought because they are irresponsible.
Are you meaning a source to explain the science behind IUDs/ectopic pregnancy risk or a source to teach empathy? Because tbh the first is what is straight forward. Teaching empathy is much harder to an adult who has a history of not listening.
There’s a bigger question behind this. You say he doesn’t understand. Does he want to? Is he taking the time or effort to learn about it? Is he, like, googling anything at all to learn about this? Or is it completely on you to not only explain anatomy and basic things, but also justify why it’s important?
I mean, given that the two of you don’t want kids, I think comparing the pregnancy to cancer or parasitic infection would be reasonable. The government is preventing you from receiving potentially life saving medical treatment because the foreign body you’re hosting is more important than you are.
If he found out he had a brain tumor, I suspect he’d be upset if the government wouldn’t allow him to have it removed because it’s living tissue.
I suppose one approach could be “Would you support mandatory (living) organ donation?”
But frankly if he’s not willing to make even a little bit of an effort, he’s not so wonderful. I also notice that you both agreed on childfree yet he has not bothered to do the optimal which is a vasectomy.
If you both never want kids…why doesn’t he have a vasectomy? 🤨 Why is the burden of your mutual reproductive choice solely on you? And he doesn’t “get” why losing the right to bodily autonomy is scary for women? Bc he’s never personally known someone affected by it? Hes wonderful tho, I guess
You say he doesn’t know anyone who’s been personally affected, but then you say that you’ve explained to him what could happen to you in the event of an ectopic pregnancy. So, in fact, he DOES know people who are affected…YOU. His own wife (along with every other woman he knows) is at risk of losing not only reproductive rights, but basic civil liberties. He just doesn’t care because, as you’ve pointed out, he has the privilege to ignore it. And by privilege, I mean he feels personally secure. Nothing will happen to him, no matter what…so, aside from just showing empathy, why would he be motivated to care? Ultimately, most men don’t care what happens to any woman, including their own partners. The only way to get men to care about women’s issues is for them to experience adversity themselves. It’s why I favor forcing men to pay child support starting at conception in order to make them understand how ludicrous abortion restrictions are.
Men4choice .org has a downloadable resource packet which talks about this. I haven’t looked to deep into it but I know it gives a lot of information and real life examples
Find some articles from a source he respects. “Maternal mortality” is useful to include in your search terms. There have been some pretty awful examples already.
E.g. https://www.americanprogress.org/article/abortion-bans-will-result-in-more-women-dying/
Sounds like it time to put some of the responsibility for birth control on him so he can see first-hand how much mental energy and worry and money it takes. Tell him that for the next year, you’re both going to pretend that you have to have your IUD removed and that you will have a period every 28 days.
Tone Indicator: 40 yr old auntie who cares about you and is concerned about your current situation. No snark towards OP, bombastic side-eye towards the husband in question.
Comment Begins:
Your husband, who has married you, a woman, hasn’t bothered to inform himself on the massive impact current legislation has had on women’s health? He doesn’t feel compelled to educate himself on the many ways the government is using current laws to control women’s bodies?
Normally we learn about the things that impact our loved ones. Some of us even care about the things that impact people we’ve never met.
And even if he hasn’t taken the time to learn those things initially, why hasn’t the fact that you, the person he chose to marry, are upset by these things be enough for him to WANT to understand the issues?
There are plenty of things my 16 yr old cares about that I don’t quite get and I still make the effort to understand those things so I can better understand them…because I love my kid. Same with my own husband, who doesn’t have to be taught to care about what is happening to 50% of the population.
I’m AuDHD, and I want to point out that sometimes we give people a lot more leeway than is really justified and are sometimes easily manipulated by those closest to us. You deserve to have a spouse who cares enough to learn about the things impacting you, even just emotionally.