Writing this drunk from an airbnb right now.
Last thing I wanna hear is “don’t do it, you have a future ahead of you” lol I know that.
Lost everything… poured my entire existence into a toxic relationship and as of a couple weeks ago she decided to tell me she’s leaving me.
I have urges, compulsivity, whatever the fuck you wanna call it. I cheated so many times…
By the age of 11 I was already sexually warped, benign to my own issues and I masked them in a bathtub of love and being a family man.
Careers never made sense to me, never had a father figure or mother figure in my life. My parents are crack addicts and prostitutes and I’m basically right in the middle.
I’m the first born of like 12 of us fucked up kids and let me say. My whole life my passion was truly to rise above that stigma. And i went even harder when I met my girl in highschool.
8 years… down the drain. I fucked up so many times. I Dm’ed random girls, got into multiple scandals. Meanwhile she was super abusive and told me thousands of times I would never be shit lol
I put my existence on the line for this girl. I sacrificed everything, money, cars, friendships and that eventually became total isolation.
In my eyes, ending it will show the rest of my brother and sisters that rewriting the legacy isn’t even worth it. We were born into this world fucked up and it’s something we can’t avoid.
I been to therapy, I tried the medications, i tried rekindling the relationship with my family. I either fucked up over and over again in the light of not seeing eye to eye, or I just straight up wanted nothing to do with them.
I pushed everyone away… yeah you can blame it on my toxic relationship blah blah blah, you can blame it on the the fact that I was molested by my two female cousins from like 6-11… i learned the world doesn’t give a fuck.. so why should I live with the burden?
I lost everything.
I invested so much of my life in this relationship
I watched so many of my friends die tragic deaths just to wake up another day and say “nah I’m better than that”
I watched my grandfather die when I came home from school in 08… on his recliner watching ESPN
I got a call that my grandmother died of a brain aneurysm right after she dropped me off for senior sunrise.
I watched (basically my brother in law) die in a drunk driving incident (girl that was with him came out unscathed) right after a family outing with my girl.
I watched my homie (who had a big family and lots of support on the surface) OD off fentanyl patches two days after I facetimed him.
That superhero bullshit of fighting another day is pointless at this point and I’ll tell you why.
The success story is ONLY for people to believe in you, consider you a hero…. Meanwhile your spirit is eating itself alive for the rest of your life. You never heal from that shit… you just live to fight another day.
Think about it in superhero terms. Superheroes save the day but at the same time bear the disturbing things they’ve seen for the rest of their existence.. meanwhile the rest of the world praises them. For fucks sale, if i wanted praise all i would have to do is get a skateboard and do a kickflip in front of 5 homeless people on skidrow.
Praise is easy to come by, genuine redemption is not.
Since a child, my first conscious thoughts were: “damn Timmy has his MOM and DAD, why the fuck did mine leave me” and then as i got older (20’s) it shifted to “damn timmy has his grandma and grandpa, why the fuck did I have to watch mine die at such a young age?”
Social media was a great generation distraction for kids like me.. but you know what? It made us focus on every toxin known to man. It made us deliberately dance with the devil everyday. I could fantasize about the life of being a real estate agent, an entrepreneur, owning a hellcat, owning a house… but what they didn’t mention is, these people had others in their lives to pick them up when they fell. All i have is this warped mind to pick me up, and it’s picked me up SO many times in the past that it’s exhausted of doing the heavy lifting. Without the mind connected to the body, what even is a human?
I walk into my own apartment every day to someone I once loved and someone who once loved me and there is true disparity in the air. Not once during the last month have I considered ending it, but tonight.. after jacking off 4 times, it spoke to me… it said: “we always knew it would end this way, we’re not even sad about it… lets just keep living in the moment until we feel that last mental snap” aka: the straw that broke the fickle man’s back…
Don’t tell me I can overcome heartbreak… tell me to do it… allow me to end the suffering to be an example… so i can stop being an exhibit…
You know how it feels to be in a free world, but locked in the zoo of your own mind…. only to be fed by zookeepers(which are people that constantly urge you to keep going and tell you, you can make it) and to be shown to the rest of the world as an example of someone who has the potential to break free? Like a lion, a tiger, a giraffe? That’s exactly how I feel
Let me die in peace.