I’m 40, single & live alone (UK). I’m 200 miles away from my parents and for the last few years I’ve split my time 50/50 (alternate weeks) between my adopted city and my hometown (helping to care for my father who is now late stage Dementia, bedbound for 15 months & very sweet and loving… not difficult to care for, he has 2 carers visit four times daily, lives with my mum). I’m very close to my parents. My mum is 73 but totally vibrant and healthy (I hope to god it stays that way for many years).
I’m close to my sister but she’s 10,000 miles away in Australia.
I’m in the process of being diagnosed for what looks likely to be a chronic autoimmune liver disease (currently no symptoms but it’s degenerative, either PSC or PBC… Pamela Anderson has PBC for reference, although mine wasn’t triggered by Hep C, like hers. PSC is scarier). I’m terrified and very sad, the rest of my life might not be what I thought it was going to be and I’m mostly just crying right now (significantly shorter life expectancy, general wellness, possible transplants). I know this isn’t a death sentence but it does feel like it, right now (scans pending.. hopefully nothing sinister is found, blood tests don’t indicate anything like cancer for now). My adopted city has a big teaching hospital with an expert consultant in this field.. and my GP ordered all of the right blood tests and things are moving along quickly.
Anyway, up to 35 (when Covid hit then my Dad got sick) I’ve mostly been happy living the life I’ve wanted to, kids haven’t happened and I’m at peace with that. Apart from one long distance relationship for most of my thirties with someone who I really did love and who loved me (didn’t work out) I’ve pretty much been single. I suddenly envy some of my friends who may not be in ideal relationships but do have a partner who would be around for them throughout an uncertain future… to just be a source of comfort and (I hate to say this) might just “look after” me. I’m know this sounds pathetic but I’m considering joining Tinder (never have.. never been interested) lower my standards to just have “someone”… there doesn’t have to be a spark. I’m attractive, I know I’ve got a good personality and I’m confident. I guess I just always idealised that romantic shit, my long distance relationship was outrageously romantic but it wasn’t real (both travelling thousands of miles and meeting up locations in cities neither of us lived, it felt like a movie sometimes, I was addicted to the highs and lows of it, I think).
I’m self sufficient, rent my own apartment don’t really have savings but as sad as it sounds, I know that my parents home will eventually be mine so that doesn’t stress me out too much. Grateful that the welfare state here in the UK won’t leave my parents in a position where they have to sell their house to pay for their care (my dad’s care is almost entirely government funded, it’s excellent quality care).
I’m in a stable local government 100% WFH job with a brilliant manager who is incredibly understanding and who I get on with. I’m good at my job, it doesn’t pay great but I’m glad this isn’t something I have to worry about.
So, friends.. I’m kind of in a position where I’m ready to lower my standards, get on the apps and perhaps settle for a man who I’m confident really likes me and just kind of “keep him around” for comfort purposes throughout his shitty, scary time of my life… might not be ethical or indeed sensible… any views?! Anyone ever been in a similar situation?
Thanks. I’m in a total spin right now so apologies if this is a weird post.
Comments
So sorry you are going through this. I also have chronic conditions and chronic injuries and dealing with them as a single person was tough. Dealing with them with partners who aren’t very kind and patient and accepting was much worse for me. The idea that you’re just gonna settle for a man to take care of you… I think is wrong-headed OP. Men are not typically conditioned/trained to do caretaking and the rates of men who leave their partners when they get a serious diagnosis is pretty high – there is research on it. Also, there are men who will specifically want to date you bc of an illness or disability – because they see you as vulnerable and want to exploit that. So I don’t think your plan is very solid.
Give yourself time to know your actual diagnosis and process and adjust on your own before you think about snapping up a partner you are lukewarm about.
If you want to build in more care and support, what friendships do you already have nearby that you can deepen? Are there any religious communities you might want to be part of – they will often have committees that help with support for sick or injured community members.
Many men leave their partners when they fall ill.
Like all dating, there’s the potential for a lot of happiness and the potential for huge pain.
In your specific situation, you may need to prepare for a man you really like who bails when he learns about your illness, or bails when your illness gets worse just when you really need support. So if you’re open to dating a man who has an illness or disability himself he might be more understanding than someone who has never wrestled with these issues. But it’s not a guarantee either.
Procede with clear boundaries. Have high standards for how he treats you. Illness does not mean you should settle. It doesn’t mean you have to give up on dating either.
Hi. We are in very similar situations. I have a degenerative disease too, a scary one. Please do not settle for anyone thinking it will help you in the long run, it won’t. If anything it will make you more miserable. You really don’t need a man, but you do need a community, and good friends.
Sure, date if you want. Settle? FUCK NO.
I’m of the opinion that dating someone you don’t like in exchange for the services the other person offers is a bad thing for everyone involved, regardless of the gender of either person.
Honestly OP, men are so unreliable that truly you’re better off cultivating support from friends, neighbors, and/or a religious/civic community. Especially a man you just met – the ones in a relationship for years or decades have been “trained” more (but will sometimes still fail or cut and run).
Please don’t lower your standards. The kind of person you’d lower your standards for may not stick around when your health declines.
If you want a partner, definitely give online dating a try but please don’t lower your standards and suffer as a result.
You’re underestimating the number of number of partners that bail when their spouse declines.
It also sounds like you’re looking to use someone to eventually become your indentured nurse, which is as appalling as men faking relationships with women to serve as their bangmaids. But maybe you’ll match with another user and it can all work out.
Depending on the average man to capably nurse you through chronic illness is, how should I say this, a very shaky plan.
And not even nurse you in the medical sense, but just provide consistent care and company. Men are simply not socialized to be caregivers. Women are.
Men leave sick wives with a shocking consistency. There have been studies on the topic. One was discredited due to a coding error and of course Reddit [men] jumped on that as if it disproved this sad fact. But there were other studies that still showed the same result. Browse relationship subreddits to see how often boyfriends and husbands either leave relationships with sick partners or just “quiet quit” the relationship where they don’t do anything helpful but don’t actually leave.
I think you would be better off cultivating a community of female friends. The chances of that plan succeeding are much higher than finding a diamond in the rough on Tinder.
So I know you’re mainly asking for dating/relationship advice which as happily firmly forever aro-ace person I have no much to add in that respect.
However, I’m 34 only a few years younger than you. I’m also based in the UK in London. I was diagnosed with Primary Biliary Cholangitis (PBC) last year.
I know it probably feels extremely scary & overwhelming right now. Trust me I I know because I was in your shoes almost exactly one year ago. And there really isn’t that much easily accessible up to date support & information out there for us PBC folks.
First of all I’m going to link you to an older comment of mine from my diagnosis process. Fair warning I ramble a lot. I find it helpful to know a much information as possible about whatever process and procedures I’m going to have. It helps me feel calmer and more in control when I know what’s supposed to happen next. So in case it might help you I too I thought I’d link to how the process was for me. If you have any further questions feel free to ask.
Just in case you don’t want to read through all that wall of text (& I certainly don’t blame you if you don’t!) I will tell you what I’ve come to tell most people who are newly diagnosed with PBC which is that PBC is a relatively controllable condition for most folks as long as you respond well to Ursodeoxycholic Acid (one of the only two medications that are available to control it) which again luckily most people do. You can live a perfectly normal lifespan with well controlled PBC.
Back to the actual question of your post. From what I’ve seen, heard and read about countless times I can’t say that men in general are exactly known for providing much comfort to girlfriends/partners/wives or even their own mothers and sisters when it comes to actual caregiving when someone is seriously unwell. Hell most are abysmally pathetic if their loved one is down with the flu or is on their period. I’ve unfortunately spent a lot of time in and out of various hospitals most of my life and the nurses will always tell you how rare it is to get a male visitor for the long term patients even if they’re married. My own brother, the apple of my mother’s eye, was no expectation to the rule when she was hospitalised for several months despite working twenty minutes away he only dropped by twice. Most of the times when I’ve been at the hospital as an in-patient the people accompanying other female patients are their mum or their sister or a female friend sometimes even a mother-in-law believe it or not.
A man is not a plan – in both the financial sense and also the caregiving sense. If you look up the stats for men leaving women when they are diagnosed with illness it will leave you feeling supremely depressed or in my case feeling supremely stabby. Either way probably not surprised though. I wouldn’t recommend lowering your standards for a man if you do opt to go ahead regardless just keep your wits about you and ensure he does not have access to your finances (including the house your parents will leave for you – better yet he not even be aware of it). Some men will purposely target women who they deem to be “vulnerable” or easy to manipulate. & unfortunately some will purposefully prey on those they know be chronically ill so be selective on who and how fast you choose to disclose this information when dating especially on dating apps and such. Either way it doesn’t matter because you have plenty of time & more important things to focus on right now anyway.
You’re probably not in the best headspace right now. So take a breather and come back later. This is all probably going to be a lot to take in right now (I don’t mean my comment. I’m not that big headed. I meant just everything in general.). Go for a walk. Or order your favourite takeout. Call a good friend or maybe your sister. Put on a feel good film. Maybe take a break from this thread/reddit/the internet for the rest of the day.
I know it’s a lot to take in but you’re going to be okay.
Are there support groups (online or in person) near you?
I’d say give it a go, if it doesn’t work out at least you can say you tried. I’d say be up front about your health stuff but also concise. My partner has a degenerative illness and told me from the get go but he didn’t dwell much on the what ifs and it gave me room to get to know him properly so I could decide if I wanted to commit fully to everything that comes with being with a chronically ill person.
Speaking as someone who went through something similar but had a partner who ‘supported’ me, chronic illness ends 75% of marriages, mine included. It’s actually a lot of stress to not only care for someone but also to lean on someone. I couldn’t take it and left, and now take care of myself (I’m immensely happier).
Get a will and get your medical directive so that there are instructions should you need your own care. Do NOT lower your standards.
I’m really sad for you and sorry you are in this situation, but that sounds like a cruel thing to do. What if someone would want to just keep you around, even if they knew they weren’t attracted enough to you/ you weren’t an ideal match for them, that wouldn’t be so nice, would it?
I think you’d be better off trying to find a support group or even connect with someone online who’s in a similar situation, so you could both support each other?
And who knows, maybe a good match for you will show up anyways! I know it’s a cliché, but love can happen when you least expect it. Joining a dating site/app isn’t a bad idea, I just don’t think your current mindset is a good one.
My friend left her abusive husband after her MS diagnosis because once she was diagnosed, publicly he transformed into god’s gift as a caregiver to an MS patient while dragging down her self esteem and confidence privately.
Point being that it’s better to be on your own than tethered to someone who is a poor fit. I’m a fellow chronically ill woman, and while it’s hard sometimes doing this by myself, I refuse to lower my standards just because of my diagnoses and disabilities.
Beyond that, I cultivate a community made up of different people who have different roles in my life and I, theirs.
First of all, it’s not pathetic at all to want a man or someone in general to look after you.. Society had programmed modern women to think they don’t need that, but the matter of fact is: we do, it’s only human to want to be cared for and looked after..
However, I don’t think lowering your standards is the answer, and this is coming from someone who’s been there, done that.. It simply doesn’t work, you won’t be happy, it’s not fair to you or to him..
Get on the apps, open your heart and mind and let the rest up to the hands of God (or fate, or the universe… whatever you wanna call it) and have a lot of trust and faith that what’s meant for you will find you no matter what, and what isn’t you can’t force it..