I (early 20s, F) moved out of my really awful family home. After years of tolerating this, I finally busted out because I was reaching the point of wanting to no longer live and I thought “can anything be worse than right now?” I kind of had to leave with no plan and only some of my stuff because I literally had to run out my house. I am crashing on someone’s couch right now. A huge part of that mistreatment (don’t wanna use the a word incase they see this and wanna sue) was financial/dependence based, and I was not really allowed to learn how to be an adult. I know, I know, it is my fault and I should’ve learned anyway but I fucked up. I don’t know anything about adulting or being independent other than cooking, cleaning, and housekeeping. I have no credit, I have no job and have never had one, I have no idea how the world works. I have a few things going on in my favor: I have a car that I pay for, a bachelor’s (albeit it’s useless), no debt, and a secret years worth of savings I kept for this reason. I need to gain access to my accounts, ss card, passport, phone bill, etc. I know that so far. What would you tell someone in my position? Assume you are talking to someone who knows nothing. I have really only been allowed to go to school and do housekeeping, like literally just that, for my whole life. I don’t really have many friends, any skills, I don’t know shit. I guess I am looking for a masterplan of starting from ground zero.
I really want to make a good life for myself. I have suffered for years and I just want to be a normal person for once in my life with freedom. I want to pursue medicine or maybe even law, and I want to be a successful, normal person who contributes to society. Please help me. I really want to try but I don’t know what to do.
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I think first things first would be try to get a job – any job. I think you could try being a hostess or server at a restaurant since you have no experience. But you have a degree. That’s something you can put on a resume.
You’ll find that the world revolves around money unfortunately. So try to earn some money so you can pay the people that let you stay with them.
Once you get a steady income and housing you can look into careers that interest you.
Life is all about finding something to do with your time that makes you money so you can support yourself. Then after that you can find something hobbies and ways to spend your free time.
Good luck! Surround yourself with good people, spend your money wisely, and don’t get into drugs and I believe you will do fine.
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation! But you didn’t fuck up. How can you know how to be an adult before being an adult? It’s not your fault.
First, find a play to stay that you feel safe. Whether that’s staying at a friend’s or using your savings to find a place. In the meantime, you can look for a job so you don’t fully dip into all your savings. You can try temp work or admin work.
Credit tip: Paying bills on time helps build credit. If you get a credit card to build credit, don’t overuse it. Only use what you know you can pay off. And use only 30% of your limit, so your credit card utilization isn’t too high. That helps keep your credit in good standing.
Sorry I couldn’t help you more! Wishing you the best.
Also, why would you say your bachelor’s is useless?
Cooking, cleaning and housekeeping is a good start. You might even be able to turn that into a job. Maybe start calling cleaning companies about openings.
Do your parents have access to your bank account?
First step in the plan: stop blaming yourself. Blame is counter-productive. Learn from what you wish you could change, do things differently. The way you were raised isn’t your fault. You are starting your adult life now so start it by viewing yourself as the strong, competent woman that you just demonstrated yourself to be by taking this large step. Rewrite your story with the self-blame removed and you’ll have a clearer picture of who you are and what you’re capable of doing. Maybe therapy would help? Many places where I am have a sliding scale based on ability to pay. And believe me, nobody has much knowledge of how the world works at your age; I say this as the mother of a 22 yr old and I feel like I’m a good parent yet still always having to spell out really obvious adult-world things that a young adult should know, like … no, you actually need that piece of paper for your taxes, put it in a file. Yes, you should have a file for taxes. So none of them have skills. And neither did I, now that I think about it. We all learn the hard way, sadly.
You know how to clean, how to cook – that’s more than I knew at your age. Didn’t know the washing machine from the dryer until I was 21, tbh (happy days). You’re obviously good with money – I couldn’t have saved that far ahead at your age and many people I know can’t do it at my age (am over 50). Give yourself some credit. Get a job to pay the bills and take some time to be young and figure it out. Join a running club or yoga class or something to meet some people your age and make those friends. Start a little cooking and wine class out of your kitchen for friends that you make from running club and make extra money, see where it goes. I don’t know … see what happens! You got a lot going for you.
As for your bills, etc, you should be able to get the phone bill and bank via the apps then change the passwords and addresses. You can get a new passport if necessary. Order a new copy of your birth certificate- you can contact the health department where you were born for that. Get a few copies (notarized ones). If you have your DL, you should be able to get a new passport if necessary- look it up. Same w SS card.
I’m sorry you had to do leave home but I’d say don’t spend time looking back. I’ve known people who get caught in that trap and they never get out. Conversely, people who leave bad situations and can look forward and make a new life seem to be amazing, positive people who attract other people. Usually, you’d never know about their past until they tell you. It’s like, when they decided to leave, they LEFT and left all the negativity and hurt and loss behind too. You’ve made the break to leave; now I hope you’ll really *leave and have that amazing life you’re ready to go and get. You sound to me like you can do it. My master plan has always been: one step at a time. Maybe that will help you too, at least as you get started.