My husband and I are no contact with his parents for a bout a year since things came to a head at our wedding….he asked them to apologize for their behavior which was ATROCIOUS and they just opted to never talk to us again. We’ve had family/friends report back to us that they’ve been talking poorly about us or in some cases out right lying, or playing the pity card that they miss us soooo much and are so sad. Different responses to different people.
Due to all of the things that happened with them I will never allow them back into my life or to be around our children. And sometimes my husband and I are on the same page about this but sometimes it’s like he reverts back to this little boy who CANT deal with the thought that his parents don’t love him or don’t care that he’s not in their lives.
For a long time before we went no contact he would silently think they’d come around when he accomplished XYZ thing. House, fiancée, money, baby, wedding etc. And it was just never the case. Now that we are no contact it’s like every holiday or milestone he’s now hoping they come back and beg for his forgiveness. When we announced our second pregnancy I know he thought/hoped they’d try to come back into our lives but they haven’t. Now I’m due with that baby soon and I’m sick wondering how they’ll manage to ruin this experience too.
I know that if I would fold and say we can just forget the things that happened he would be thrilled to go back to playing the pretend happy family. This puts me in a weird spot in our marriage because I know despite all they’ve done and objectively knowing he’s right to have cut them off, he’s also only sticking to it because I’m not budging.
As we approach my due date for our second baby I can see him ruminating over it. Some moments he’s mad as hell that they’ve treated us this way and made no effort to come back into our lives and some days he’s misty eyed at the thought of never having his parents in his life again. To him, crappy parents are better than no parents. And I know he desperately wants to be vindicated and have them apologize and beg for another chance. It’s almost like a cheating partner like instead of accepting that they’ve showed you who they are and how little they care, there’s some sort of NEED to be vindicated by a weepy apology and slew of empty promises of change.
I don’t know what to do at this point because he will keep them cut off as long as I keep my foot down but really it’s at the expense of our marriage because when one of them inevitably gets sick or dies it’ll be my fault they never knew their grandkids.
There are no circumstances I will ever budge on this. If they are genuinely sorry one day, that’s great. They should be sorry. And ashamed. And sad that they’re missing out on our life and kids. But in my opinion they can make their peace with god because the ship has sailed with me.
I just hope it doesn’t lead to the demise of my marriage. He will grow to resent me and I can feel myself having resentment towards him for not protecting me from them before we went no contact. And now for still reverting back to this little child who desperately wants mommy and daddy’s affection more than he wants peace in our home at a time when I need him the most.
I guess this is just a rant because I’m so pregnant and so tired.
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Your DH is grieving the family that he deserved, which is completely understandable. Unfortunately, that isn’t the family that he has, so he’s going to need to find a way to reconcile himself to that. A therapist who specializes in abusive family dynamics may help him to put the pieces together.
OP, if/when your ILs get sick and pass away, it will be THEIR fault they never knew your children. I’m sorry you are in this situation. If I were you I’d stick to my principles. Your DH is free to have whatever relationship he wants with his family, but you and the kids will not have any relationship with them until they, at a minimum, can take accountability, apologize and start acting different. If they cannot or will not, that’s on them. Overall, however, if you and the kids are done with them then that’s your final answer. You are not responsible for placating another adult’s unreasonable wishes or bad behavior. OP, early congratulations on your growing family! Please take comfort at being the incredible momma bear that you are and I hope you enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.
I hope your husband is open to therapy and you are open to him possibly having a relationship with them that doesn’t include you and the children. He must have so many emotions (hurt, abandonment, loss) and you must have so much anger and frustration. Please find a competent therapist to guide you individually and as a couple through this process. You’ve brought two children into this world and they need an emotionally present team to raise them together in love and I wish you both all the best and much strength as you enter the next chapter of your lives together.
You’ve been dealt a shitty hand but you can still win the game.
prioritize your baby, marriage, and peace above all
Your husband’s stuck in limbo, torn between loyalty to you and longing for parental validation. It’s putting a strain on your marriage, and you’re shouldering the emotional labor. Be prepared for the inevitable: he’ll either step up and prioritize your needs or you’ll need to have a hard conversation about what’s best for your family. Your boundaries aren’t negotiable, your sanity and your kids’ well-being depend on it.
Being stuck in limbo with your MILs situation is exhausting. Your hubby’s wavering is understandable, but it’s also super frustrating for you. Sounds like you’re doing the heavy lifting here, keeping boundaries intact while he’s caught between loyalty to you and longing for parental validation. Hope he steps up soon, especially with a new baby on the way.
Sounds like you’re raising two kids, one just happens to be your husband. He knows they’re toxic but still craves scraps of affection, which is sad but also exhausting for you. You’re right not to budge; if he ever caves, it won’t magically fix anything, it’ll just reset the cycle.
If therapy is still a bit out of reach (healthcare suuuuucks sometimes), there’s a book called ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’. It’s good for at least lighting up the FOG so that he can possibly recognize what’s going on.
Sounds like you’re carrying all the emotional freight for both of you right now. Your husband’s nostalgia for “approval” isn’t your problem to fix, and it’s okay to hold the line for your sanity and your kids. He’ll have to come to terms with the reality of his parents, or not but letting them back in just to spare his feelings is a trap. Keep your boundaries; that’s not the wedge, his unresolved parent issues are.
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Holidays and babies tend to stir up hope in estranged families. That false hope hurts the most.
It sounds like he wants closure that his parents will never give.
I feel for you both. You’re grieving the loss of a relationship that never really existed in the first place.
Him reverting to “little boy mode” makes so much sense. Trauma responses don’t vanish just because he knows better.
It’s not your job to fix his parents’ mess. Your job is protecting your peace and kids.
Even if they apologized tomorrow, could you ever really trust them again?
Even if they apologized tomorrow, could you ever really trust them again?
I admire how self-aware you are about your resentment. That honesty will help your marriage more than you realize.
Your husband needs therapy to see there is no hope for these people and to allow him to move on. Congratulations on your second child
i think you’ve hit the nail on the head about how he’s reverting to a child who’s constantly alone and desperate for love. it’s a well-known trauma response, and it’s hard to figure out what specifically triggers it when it was his entire childhood where he felt this way. his parents kept him desperate for love so he would never push them away and that desperation is hard-coded into his brain as the first thing to do when he’s afraid or feeling isolated.
i had this happen to me after an explosive breakup. i found myself hiding in closets like i used to as a kid, a bunch of religious stuff came up which hasn’t been relevant in a decade. it was an insane experience, but it was so extreme that it helped me notice it when it’s less pronounced.
if at all possible, he (or both of you!) needs to see a therapist with experience in childhood abuse and codependency. from what i can tell, the only way to stop this process is to learn to notice and reject it. it’s incredibly scary and difficult but it leads to freedom.
Your husband needs therapy. And you need to keep your foot down. Think about exposing your innocent children to the crazy ones, and that will firm up your resolve. Good luck with baby number two!
Find a good therapist. He needs help learning how to deal with all of this.
Couples’ counseling maybe?
He needs therapy to unpack all of this and to truly grieve his parents and HEAL. He is learning over and over again that HIS PARENTS’ LOVE WASN’T UNCONDITIONAL….And that’s gotta hurt.
With that said, don’t break NC. One of you has to have your head on straight. No offense…but if they never know their grandkids, it wouldn’t be your fault? Literally all they had to do was apologize. They prioritized their pride over family. You guys are protecting your peace and being clear about what is and isn’t allowed in your new nuclear family. Your kids aren’t missing out on trauma bonding and enmeshment.
he probably needs a therapist that understands enmeshment
As someone who has gone back a forth with NC with parents I can tell you it’s a constant battle with yourself because you know that they’re shitty people who won’t change, but after a while you miss them. The only thing is you don’t actually miss THEM you miss the version of them that you wish they could’ve been, the version that your younger self deserved, and even though that version doesn’t exist after some time has passed of NC you start to think “Maybe now they’ll get it and change.” But if they wanted to be a better version of themselves they would’ve done it the first time they were told their actions were wrong.
It’s hard when you see other people’s parents being wonderful and you realize you’re never going to have that, that your kids will never have the awesome grandparents.
It’s been years and years and therapy for me and I still find myself doing it on occasion.
Therapy STAT.
And the book:
Lindsay C. Gibson
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents