If I have one more man tell me “you didn’t deserve that (this)” after being shitty. I will lose my mind. The lovergirl, every hopeful, stupid romantic in me is losing hope. Brick by brick, my heart is being dismantled. How about you just DON’T be shitty? Don’t do the thing that you think I don’t deserve? 😭😤
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These dudes really think they can just treat us like crap… because we’re “supposed” to accept anything less? Fuck that, I’m not some doormat.
“You didn’t deserve that” is also declaring that what he did would be acceptable if you “deserved it”. I don’t know what happened in this case, but if what happened involved violence then I would wonder what the threshold is for when it is “deserved”.
It’s a low effort way to try to sound like self reflection and remorse and empathy has happened when it hasn’t.
By saying that they’re proving that they might be shitty, but it’s ok because they’re self-aware. Except it’s just a transparent attempt at soothing their guilty conscience.
One of my favorite things I ever said to a partner was “I don’t need you telling me I don’t deserve to feel the way these things are making me feel, I fucking know that. I absolutely don’t deserve that. What I need you to do is stop letting them happen.”
I said it cause I felt it but I realized after I said it that it was me saying I don’t need you to validate whether my feelings are appropriate or not because I know they are appropriate. Stop the behavior. I remember typing that as a text while seeing the three little dots and they immediately stopped lol
I always want to ask who does deserve it?
It’s just manipulative.They don’t care if what they did was wrong.They just want no consequences and for you to acquiesce.
These guys are unhinged. Last week I had a pretty good vibe with a guy and texted with him every single day. Yesterday he texted good morning/how did you sleep and I responded asking how his Friday plans were. He then sent a long text explaining that we had an amazing connection and he thought a relationship was what he wanted but he needed to work on himself. I was so confused because why text me at 8am on a Saturday asking how I sleepy and then send that? Utterly psychotic. lol it’s not you… It’s them
Im in no way trying to sound toxic or in engage in any kind of whataboutism.
Rant in solidarity though, Ive just slogged through a 12h shift and its just kind of breaking over me now.
Its a unisex behavior, you let yourself believe and fight to not have the past interfere with your judgement. People do shitty things and try to make you believe they did everything in their power to prevent it. A part of it is them just making themselves feel better and comes from an already selfish place. it wears you down every time.
Im a dude with his own trauma, Ive commented once or twice, but mostly read to get more of an understanding of the experiences of myself and the women in my life.
This just hit me enough in that still raw space to comment. It takes a special mix of hope and spite to not let that part of you die, and a shared frustration just found me a little more spite.
Yeah and then it turned into me consoling him because he “felt so bad” and was “beating himself up over it”. Never again
A while back I got an email from a guy I cut ties with 15 years ago. 15. Years. Not an iota of contact in that time. I stopped giving a shit about him 14.75 years ago, and he hasn’t crossed my mind in a dozen. And out of the blue, an email… apologizing for being an unmitigated shitheel to me 15 years ago and that I “didn’t deserve it.”
No shit I didn’t; do you think it was merely coincidence that I stopped talking to you and completely walked away from our mutual social circle at the exact same time? And after a decade and a half to reflect on what you did and said, you have finally figured out the basic mechanics of self-reflection and empathy or at least the ability to mimic it tolerably well?
Truth be told, I couldn’t even muster enough fucks given to roll my eyes.
“You didn’t deserve that” needs to be followed up with “I’m sorry, that was unacceptable behavior on my part. “ and a genuine attempt to change behavior
Easier to (fake) apologize than ask for permission/ not do something they know is shitty. I’m 46 this year, and unfortunately that loving, bubbly, hopeful woman just does not exist anymore. She got her ass handed to her by one too many manipulative men.
People make mistakes. And douche-bags never learn. You deserve better. There are decent folks out there.
I mean you don’t. Listen to people when they tell you who they are and leave
Alludes to some arbitrary “fairness doctrine”
BoJack Horseman, 3×10, “It’s You”:
> BoJack: Todd, I’m sorry, all right? I screwed up. I know I screwed up. I don’t know why…
>
> Todd: Oh, great! Of course! Here it comes! You can’t keep doing this! You can’t keep doing shitty things, and then feel bad about yourself like that makes it okay! You need to be better!