So I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half and we’ve been living together for 3 months. Moving in together was a big step for him. It’s still super early but I’ve never been in such a happy and healthy relationship. I am very much in love with him.
We’ve had some serious talks about the future but not specific to marriage. Neither of us are religious/spiritual. We’ve both agreed that we never want kids. He’s also been looking to buy a house and has invited me to continue living with him in said potential house (we’ve looked at a few on the market together) but that may complicate things.
When he talks about plans for the future like moving or traveling I’m always included, it’s always “we”. I know he loves me based off both actions and words. He’s expressed to me that he knows I’m “the one” and his life partner, something he’s never felt with anyone else.
The problem is he seems apprehensive towards marriage. I’ll joke about it and he won’t play along. It never comes up, even though all of our friends are taking that big step.
One night after we had been drinking I brought it up and he told me he’d love for me to be his wife and spend the rest of his life with me but that marriage is not something he’s desired or felt is important. It seems he partly feels that way because of his upbringing and his parents being divorced.
I never really cared about marriage until recently. A lot of our friends have gotten engaged or married and it’s given me the itch for it.
I don’t expect anything soon and I don’t need a fancy ring or big wedding. It’s not about that for me, it’s about the benefits and commitment itself. I’m in no rush but the thought of him not wanting to marry me makes me sad.
TL;DR
Finding myself(28F) feeling sad about bf(30M) not being the marrying type and needing advice.
Comments
Hey girl, so I’ve been in this situation before, it’s not that he does not love you or care about you or want to be with you. It just seems that the guy does not want to get married and it has nothing to do with you. It could be is not where he is at in his career, or he’s waiting for himself to get fit or something along those line or wants more money. It just doesn’t sound like he’s interested in getting married.
I know it’s nerve-racking and the answer may hurt, but I would straight up asking him if he’s interested in getting married to you or sees anything in the long-term. If he says he’s unsure, he does not want to get married and you decide how important marriage is to you. If you do want to get married, you should leave him now.
Marriage is far more symbolic than anything else- especially if you’re not having kids. If he never wants to get married, would you be ok with that? If not, you should be honest with him.
I’m not married and I’ve been with my partner for 15 yrs. We are married on all the ways that matter, it’s just not legal. Many ppl I know got married and divorced. A solid relationship is vastly more important than a legal contract (marriage)
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I mean, he hasn’t given you a no. It sounds to me like he really loves you and sees you as the one for him, but marriage as an institution holds no emotional or spiritual importance.
Honestly, that’s totally reasonable and doesn’t need to affect you. It doesn’t make his feelings for you any less, it just means that to him, marriage is more a practical decision, like, “We’re far more likely to get a favorable mortgage if we are married, and it’ll simply our taxes and inheritance paperwork.” Not romantic I realize.
Plenty of my friends who have gotten married felt this way, and they’re in some of the happiest relationships. They’d usually get a city hall wedding, no rings, no formal proposal. They see the wedding as more of a display than anything important, so just pay the filing fee and enjoy filing jointly.
Where you might run into conflict is planning how to get married. If weddings are unimportant to him and matter to you, that can be a problem.
I would personally suggest you make no decision now, but keep having this conversation to see how his position shifts. I have a hunch marriage just has no symbolic meaning to him, and that is something you might be able to negotiate with.