English is not my first language so excuse for grammar error, asked chapt got to help rewrite to correct grammar – throwaway account.
My wife and I first connected through Snapchat in September 2020. We exchanged some messages back then, but we didn’t really start getting to know each other until around March 2021. Things moved quickly from there—by April, we officially started dating, and just a few months later, in July, we moved in together. Not long after, she got pregnant, and we got married in March 2022.
At the beginning, we were genuinely in love. We didn’t spend much time digging into each other’s pasts, mostly because we both assumed there wasn’t much to worry about. I was heavily focused on school, so I never got caught up in the typical party scene or did anything wild. I assumed the same about her.
But things started changing after we had our child. She became a devoted mom—no doubt about that—but almost overnight, she decided she wanted to stay home full-time. She no longer wanted to work or leave the baby with anyone else. This surprised me, especially because, when we were dating, she talked about going to pharmacy school, and I admired her drive. She was juggling college and doing DoorDash to support herself, which I respected a lot.
Looking back, I now realize that during our early relationship, most of our physical intimacy only happened when she had been drinking. After having our child—and drinking much less—she became a completely different person sexually. One day, she even texted me saying she didn’t plan on giving oral sex anymore. That message really hit me. Over the last two years, I stopped initiating intimacy, and in that time, we’ve only had sex maybe three times.
Eventually, I got to a point where I didn’t know what was going on, and I made the mistake of going through her old laptop. I feel awful for doing that—but what I found left me shaken.
Before we got married at 25, she had slept with around 40 people. Among them were married men and people she had threesomes with. One message I saw—just a month before we officially started dating—was from her to a married man, asking if he would leave his wife for her. She said she wanted him and only him. He replied that it wasn’t that easy, and the conversation ended there.
I also found out that she still had a boyfriend when we started talking. They broke up just one month before things became serious between us. During that same period, she was using cocaine and smoking. She’s always had a bit of a temper, which I used to overlook, but now I wonder if there’s more to it—if maybe she’s struggling with something deeper.
Again, I’m not trying to judge her. I’m trying to understand. But I’m overwhelmed. I feel guilty for snooping—but after everything I saw, I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t know how to start this conversation with her, or if I even should.
I really need advice on how to approach this situation .
tl;dr: We rushed into marriage without knowing each other’s pasts. After having a child, my wife changed completely. I checked her old laptop and found out she had a wild past, and now I don’t know how to talk to her about it.