TL;DR – sorry if this isn’t right – first time in Reddit – boyfriend inappropriately messaged other girl as a joke but she forwarded message to me. Should I hear him out?
Me ‘34F’ and my boyfriend ‘32M’ at work and got into a relationship 4 years ago. I don’t work there anymore. Things haven’t been great recently and I don’t feel like he’s that happy in the relationship. He went on a booze cruise with a ‘friend’ ‘33M’ who is someone he works with but there’s a bit of history there, I don’t like him and wouldn’t class him as a friend or even a nice human being. We had a little bit of a tiff yesterday (me and bf), it was my son’s 16M prom and my boyfriend’s birthday. I was a bit preoccupied on my phone looking and forwarding photos, which he brought up later in the day. Today, they went on the cruise at 6.40am and were drinking from just before 10am. We’ve been texting all day and everything seems ok. Come 11pm ish he said his friend has fallen asleep and he needs to go to sleep. We say good night and I promise to feed and water him all day tomorrow after a long day of drinking. Literally a few minutes afterwards, I get a message from a girl (quite a bit younger than us) that we both used to work with, saying she’s received an inappropriate message from my boyfriend and she wanted to let me know (hats off to her). He had messaged her minutes after saying goodnight to me saying she had great boobs and he ‘would’ (basically have sex with her). Within the same message he apologised for his language and that he didn’t mean any disrespect to her boyfriend (who we also used to work with). She sent it to me. I called him. He said it was part of a bet. Later retracted that and said it was stupid but he thought it would be funny. I was previously in a very toxic relationship and had numerous things like this happen which I turned a blind eye to or blindly accepted what was told to me and carried on when it would continually happen. I spoke to him on the phone and he wasn’t really that apologetic, almost tried to insinuate someone else – his ‘friend’ had sent it from his phone, but also didn’t commit to that as he didn’t want to ruin anyone’s home life when they have young children.
I know what my head says to do and what I would advise others.
I’m annoyed 1- I thought he would never do something like that, it was the backbone of our relationship that we were both seriously against cheating and making someone else feel that way, 2- it’s embarrassing for me as it’ll get around the people he works with, 3- even if it was a joke, it’s disrespectful and he would not stand for it if the shoe was in the other foot, 4- even if single, he shouldn’t be speaking to anyone like that as a human anyway, especially as she’s younger (20F), 5- it feels worse as I used to work with these people so everyone will know what I do and I’ve always been seen as a strong person to them but forgiving this person will do the opposite, 6- he directly works with someone who’s had an affair with someone at work, which turned messy and public, whom I didn’t necessarily trust as it is (not the same girl), now it makes me question their relationship.
I don’t know whether to bag his clothes up and leave them outside before he gets home, listen to what he says, get over it, give him a timescale to move out. I just don’t know. Maybe it’s an adult thing to talk it through but every brain cell says put him in the bin. Every heart cell says work it through, it’s not a big deal (I know it is).
There’s probably quite a bit more to the above but my mind is all over the place and I’d like to get a bit of advice before he gets home!
Should I listen to what he has to say or should I put him in the bin?
Comments
Just go. If he wanted to be faithful and trustworthy- he would be!
Oh, first it was a joke. Then it was his friend did it…and actually your bf is trying to be good by…hiding it from that guy’s partner. Huh. That last one is clearly a lie, but also would still be very gross.
No, it wasn’t a joke, OP. He was drunkenly messaging this other, younger woman in a creepy way. She’s 20? Yuck. Can you imagine being 20 and getting this kind of message from a coworker?
It’s a “joke” in that he thought it was amusing. It’s not a joke, in that he would’ve participated in further cheating on you, given the opportunity. And honestly, probably has before.
He did this. It’s not that deep. If you want to bury your head in the sand and “get over it”, have fun when he does this again. Maybe you’ll listen to the next woman.
Listen if you want. Personally, there’s no way I would believe this was just a joke. What was supposed to be the funny part? Not knowing anything but what you posted, it seems he was trying to cheat. I agree that he’s embarrassing.
Reading this as a 20 year old girl I audibly cringed. I can’t imagine a 32 year old coworker texting me and saying stuff like that.
My advice-leave now while it’s easy. This is actually so gross of him. Even if it’s legal and she’s not a minor, it doesn’t change the fact that that’s nasty, and 10x worse that he ALSO has a girlfriend.
A 32 year old man knows better. I don’t believe the “bet” thing for a second, and even if that were true, he should’ve had the balls to deny it and say that is a) gross and perverted and b) completely disrespectful to you.
I have a feeling if you let this go, it wouldn’t be the last case of something like this.
I’m really sorry. It’s such an unfortunate thing to experience but I just wouldn’t be able to let that go. Cause even if you did, people will know you’re “dating the guy that hits on the college girls at work”. Not a fun look.
You deserve more!
I think you have to listen to your brain and not your heart this time. You owe it to yourself for standing up to him and not letting him disrespect you like that. He didn’t even own up to it to you, the girl texted you. What would have happened if she liked him too and wanted to hook up? Would he have physically cheated? He already showed you that he has thoughts about other women
This is a 32 year old man you’re talking about. He’s a grown adult who absolutely knows better than to do shit like this for a “bet” (which I bet he’s lying about, he just needed an excuse to tell you). I can’t imagine he has anything to say that’s worth your time. I’d be done.
The confusion is driving you crazy, but I don’t think you’re confused. I think you know what to do and what’s best for you and your baby. Remember, if you suffer baby suffers too. If he comes home as if nothing happened then you know what to do, but if he sits down to talk about it (like you said the grown up thing to do) then maybe it could work out, but only if he is man enough to talk to you about it until you are both satisfied (not even content). Good luck.