My wife and I separated about three years ago; however, we never finalized the divorce. We have a 7.5-year-old and a 5-year-old, so we continued to see each other regularly as we co-parented with 50/50 custody.
She started dating someone immediately after we separated, and they moved in together last August. They broke up in December, but he refused to leave her house for another three months. I’ve also dated on and off with a couple of women, though nothing lasted longer than a couple of months.
While she was with her boyfriend, she was very cold toward me. I wasn’t invited to birthday parties because he was there, she involved her lawyer in almost every disagreement we had, and she would barely speak to me at the kids’ activities. When we did talk, it was almost exclusively about the kids.
However, once her boyfriend was out of the picture, things greatly improved. We started talking more, texting a bit, and she began sharing things and struggles she was going through. She even invited me to join her family and the kids on a trip to Disney to celebrate her 40th birthday this October. I also told her about some of the things her lawyer had done, and she immediately fired the lawyer, so the divorce hasn’t moved forward.
When we started getting friendly again, I mentioned the idea of trying to fix the marriage, but she wasn’t very enthusiastic, so I dropped it. Then, just last week, she invited me to join her and her family at the beach for half the week with the kids. I agreed to go, and I’m actually looking forward to it.
I still love my wife and truly want to get back together. I also really want to be able to see the kids every day, as I miss them when I don’t have them, and the separation has been hard on them.
What advice does Reddit have for reconnecting with her and trying to rekindle things?
Comments
Shag someone else and get over her.
You really can’t proceed if she shuts it down. If she were amenable I would recommend heading straight to a couples counselor. Perhaps you could recommend couples counseling anyway, at the very least to achieve common ground on where you stand with each other and how to keep things amicable with and without boyfriends in the picture. Who knows, perhaps that would help to rekindle the relationship.
If she isn’t it might be better to divorce amicably so that everything such as custody is nailed down. That way she wouldn’t be able to freeze you out of any activities when she has a new boyfriend.
I’d treat it like an opportunity for a new relationship, not something you’re entitled to win back. She’s giving you opportunities to reintegrate yourself in her and your family’s life.
Just start by being present in those things and trying to build back a connection through conversation. If things continue to progress you can have the get back together conversation, but I wouldn’t jump out the gate with that.
Let things happen naturally, don’t force anything. She may warm up to the idea, but don’t close other options. Always be very transparent about that with her. Let her know that you are still very much attached to her, but you understand that it may not be mutual and you respect that. You will not pursue her but you’re very happy that you can be friendly together and share some time with her and the children. You may also invite her on family outings too.
Good luck!
She’s stringing you along.
Finalize your divorce. Continue 50/50 custody and move on.
Maybr it’s time to talk about finalizing the divorce? If she has intention to get back together, she may disagree with it and it will be the opportunity to talk about the future again.
If not, it’s just unnatural to just keep being separated for so long while both of you are seeing other people.
If she has no intention of getting back together but stay married for whatever reason, once she found someone again, you’ll be excluded from things like you did. It’s not good for kids.
Uh, the fact that she immediately started dating someone right after you split suggests she was cheating on you with him or she had her eye on him while she was still with you.
And my advice is that if she doesn’t want to get back together, you have to respect that. It sounds like she doesn’t want to, but she’s willing to be on good terms with you for the kids’ sake. If you continue to pressure her to get back together, she could get mad and get another lawyer; then she’ll make it even more difficult for you to see the kids. You shouldn’t pressure her. If she doesn’t want to (and it sounds like she doesn’t want to), then back off and focus on your kids.
She, at best, sees you as a friend, and coparent who she needs to have an amiable relationship with for the sake of the kids.
This does not mean she has any romantic intentions for you. If she did, she would not have shut you down.
You need to see this relationship as she does, and until you can get to the point where you would be happy for her if she entered a healthy relationship with someone else, you should distance yourself from her.
At best, she is your friend. She isn’t your wife anymore. Until you can accept that and be content, you’ll never find happiness
Continue the divorce and have her as FWB.
Ask yourself if a new relationship could ever last given what has transpired between the two of you. Sometimes, hope triumphs over reality, only to be destroyed down the road. She dumped you once. Should be enough for you to move on
That’s a terrible setup!
Was the separation mutual? Was it caused/ initiated primarily by one of you, or both? What were the issues that drove the separation to occur?
imo, more context is needed to determine if this is a good idea or catastrophically bad…
Something’ is off, you separated and she immediately started seeing someone else? Are you sure she wasn’t cheating prior to the separation and it was the catalyst? From experience I get wanting to fix the family for the kids, been there and willingly gave up my dignity to do so. However, from that same experience I can tell you that, even though it’s the opposite, the narcissist sees it as weakness and another opportunity. Believe me I would rather be way off but seeing someone else right away and how her seemingly treating you like the enemy while with him tells me otherwise. I definitely lean towards those saying to finalize and move on.
Think you need to look at it as she is trying to make a good relationship for co-parenting. You can include her on family outings, as well. But, it doesn’t sound like she is interested in getting back together. I wouldn’t push getting back together since you previously brought it up, and she didn’t express interest back.
Your ex just wants a warm body. I’m really sorry to say it that way.
Why on Earth would you want to get back her?
She sounds bloody awful. Also, extending an Invite doesn’t mean she’s interested, but it definitely gives her a baby sitter.
I’m not sure any of this is a good idea.
If you want to get back together, treat it as a feesh start. That means getting a baby sitting, date and get to know each other again. Do not just move in together and start where you left off.
Her lack of ability to be happy as a single woman would concern me if I were you. It feel a bit convenient that she suddenly wants to rekindle things.
“While she was with her boyfriend, she was very cold toward me. I wasn’t invited to birthday parties because he was there, she involved her lawyer in almost every disagreement we had, and she would barely speak to me at the kids’ activities. When we did talk, it was almost exclusively about the kids.” – She was cold because she didn’t love you. She still doesn’t. She knew the whole time what the lawyer was doing. It suited her purposes until it didn’t. All she’s doing is dangling some bait in front of you to see if she can still manipulate your heart strings. Stop. Go for the kids. Go for yourself. But for god sake don’t ever again attempt have that conversation again. Don’t attribute friendliness with reconciliation. Three years? Just get the D over with and move on. All your doing is dragging out your healing.
I hate to say this but the moment she meets another Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now she will regulate you to that shit pile all over again. She’s asking you on these trips to have time with your kids and also to SHARE the burden. Nothing more, nothing less. “When we started getting friendly again, I mentioned the idea of trying to fix the marriage, but she wasn’t very enthusiastic, so I dropped it. “
You my friend have a bad case of hopium. For all intents and purposes your divorced. She obviously doesn’t see you as a husband and what you need to do is spend time with your kids, get a lawyer and cauterize the open wound. It will hurt. It will suck ass. But right now your in purgatory waiting until she finds someone else to start up with, and if its the right one she will not hesitate one second in filing on you.
If you go you hit up a couple bars and be single. I bet a six pack that she’ll say I need a break at some point and head out and do the same thing.