My best friend died suddenly last year after a decade long battle with cancer. We’ve known each other for roughly 13 years and lived together during her final years right up until her death.
I trusted her more than I’ve ever trusted anyone. She made me feel accepted, seen and truly understood. She was also not afraid to call me out on my bullshit, which I appreciated.
Her death came as a shock to me. I had held onto blind hope that she would live a long life. After all, she had already outlived her diagnosis.
I felt numb and unsure how to cope. I didn’t know how to express the pain and bottled everything up.
I was also disappointed with the lack of support or emotional availability from my other female friends.
Mind you, these are women I’ve considered somewhat ‘close’ friends for years. We regularly talk and hang out.
Most offered their condolences and didn’t check in or acknowledge anything further in our conversations, which surprised me. They didn’t offer any support, sense of connection, or even a “I’m here if you want to talk”.
I could have reached out and told them I was having a hard time, but their reaction didn’t make me feel comfortable or safe enough to talk about it. If that happened to a friend of mine, I’d ask them if they’re OK, if they want to call, need me to come over this week, idk something.
I don’t hate them for it, and I know everyone is busy with their own lives. But it still hurts. I don’t expect us to be BFFs overnight but it seems like there’s been a huge shift in maintaining friendships post-COVID.
I’m a very social and curious person with a wide set of interests and hobbies. I don’t have a problem being the first to reach out or make plans, but the lack of reciprocal effort or interest and one-sidedness has really affected my self esteem and self worth.
I understand that maintaining friendships takes work and unless I’m tired or super busy, I always try to make time for the people I care about. I check up on them, I remember what they like, I want to hear how they’re doing and feeling. I try to hold myself accountable and communicate if there is a problem. But it still feels like my connections are surface level.
I find myself feeling hurt, insecure and even envious when I see them post photos or tag their other friends but never do it when we hangout. I find myself wanting to cry when people talk about a weekend trip, birthday or fun event they planned with a friend or group of girls — especially when I’ve tried to suggest similar things. Or when I see the effort they put in for other people versus me.
Is there something wrong with me? Why is it so hard to build and maintain connections?
I crave and long for meaningful and thoughtful female friendships. I want community. I want to be included. I want to put myself out there but I’m so afraid to try and be ridiculed, rejected or treated like a second choice.