Ok so I’ve (M25) been in a very unstable state the past year. Struggling with depression from the death of a parent last summer and then even more recently my girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me. I’ve been addicted to porn since I was a young teenager and i am very self aware how it has made me intrigued in sexual experiences I otherwise would not be interested in. I found myself developing a cuck kink that my gf and I would experiment with through dirty talk and she would tease me by talking about guys she found attractive, we never did anything with other guys physically but it was always fun and super hot sex when we would talk about it in bed. After awhile I wondered if I was bi because I was so into these fantasies. Long story short one night I found myself in a delirious horny state after being very depressed all day and late at night I met a Grindr account and ended up making plans with an anonymous guy to come give me head, I didn’t even know what his face looked liked just the cropped out body pics that were verified and he looked fit and hygienic and the “type” I thought I was into. I ended up going to do this, he came into my car and started giving me head and for the first tiny bit I thought it felt great but the longer it went on the more reality set in that this is not at all what I want. I forced myself to finish early and he left and I sat there in a panicked state on what the fuck I just did. I almost puked. I went home and showered and cleaned myself as good as I possibly could. So much regret and disgust in myself that I can never un do it, I have had absolutely 0 interested in anything to do with guys ever since and am grossed out by the fact I let that happen with a guy who’s face I never even saw and he could’ve been some gross looking dude. I realize in hindsight the cuck kink was based in just a jealousy kink alone by seeing my gf be please by someone else and not that I was also attracted to guys. I know people make decision they regret and life goes on but this has had a real negative impact on mental state even more so then I have been in the past year and I just feel so lost.
Btw yes I got tested and am all good, thank god.
Comments
You tried something new and realized it wasn’t for you. That’s okay man. Nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about
No judgement here
Don’t worry dude! Life is about experiences and learning, you’ve done both! Don’t need to waste any time feeling lost or guilty/confused. You’ve actively cleared up and clarified confusion you had in the past. Great! Now you know what you like (or at least what you definitely don’t like!) you can save lots mental energy that would be wasted worrying about being gay or bi or having a cuck kink. My one piece of advice would be just try and stay away from porn and artificial dopamine antagonists. If you are unsure what you like, try exploring naturally with a partner(s) instead of through porn. As you’ve already established it can seriously warp and confuse you. You’ll get past this though, just relax and try to be a bit kinder to yourself – you haven’t done anything weird or wrong and you don’t even have to share about your experience ever again, even to prospective partners if you don’t want to. Be happy you learned from this now and not down the line when it may have caused you more problems. You are allowed to leave the past behind and move on 🙂
I’m a similar aged guy to you who also lost a parent a couple years ago, and is still dealing with it. Sorry that happened to you. Shit sucks in the extreme. Welcome to fire me a message anytime if struggling. good luck dude!
Nothing to be ashamed of
You experimented and realized it wasn’t for you ..move on with your life
no going back. why did u have a grinder account anyway tho? especially if u had a girl for 6 years? then u let the guy make u finish even tho u didn’t like what was happening ? huh???
i mean the positive is at least you know now, but probably lay off the porn for sure. and get some therapy for the parent stuff for sure. stuff like that takes time to heal. the relationship stuff as well. nothing wrong with getting help by talking to someone