I (f, mid 20s) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (white, also mid 20s) for almost a year. He often offers to pick me up and drive me to his place, which I appreciate. But once I’m there, he frequently leaves me sitting alone while he scrolls on his phone, chats with friends online, or makes hiking plans—plans that rarely include me.
One time, I asked if I could join a hike he was planning with his coworkers (it wasn’t originally meant for me). He agreed, and during the hike he posted multiple IG stories. Here’s the thing: he posted photos of everyone else, even if it was just the back of their heads—except me. He even included a solo shot of a female coworker (just her back view). When I gently asked about it, he said he just “randomly chose the photos.”
Another thing that hurt: on his birthday, he went to a party. I wasn’t invited. I knew it was a casual get-together, so I asked the day before if I could come. He said it was “too late” and didn’t really explain. Later, when I asked again, he just said, “You didn’t miss much.” When I brought it up again recently, he said he thought I’d feel uncomfortable since I didn’t know anyone there.
Recently, I finally brought all of this up to him. I was emotional and crying, and all he really said was, “I’ll do better.” That was it. No real discussion, no explanation. I asked him why he was so quiet, and he said he had too much on his mind—work, the future, etc.
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I just feel so unseen and dismissed. I don’t know what to do or how to feel anymore. Am I overreacting? Or is this a red flag?
Any perspective would be really appreciated.
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TL;DR:
My boyfriend often leaves me feeling left out—whether it’s ignoring me at home, not posting me on social media, or not inviting me to his birthday party. When I brought it all up emotionally, he barely responded. Is this something I should be more worried about?
Comments
Your boyfriend doesn’t seem to like or care about you very much. And he also doesn’t seem to have an interest in changing.
Please don’t keep allowing yourself to be treated this way. It’s not worth degrading yourself
Sounds like a booty call more than a relationship. Guy is literally avoiding being seen with you. You should go.
Of course I don’t know your boyfriend as well as you do but from what you have written, it seems pretty bad. My boyfriend tries to include me in almost everything that he can, without it being socially unacceptable or uncomfortable for others, and we spend lots of time together. He makes plans for future activities and makes sure to say “when we” or “we should” in reference to them. Even when we have time together where we’re just mutually on our devices, we often refocus in 20-30 minutes.
So from my perspective, I think it sounds as though your boyfriend definitely does not think about you or your well-being frequently enough, and doesn’t enjoy your presence as much as he should. You are not overreacting. If he didn’t see the weight of his actions then he should have had an awakening when you cried to him about it, but being distant or choosing to be silent during that discussion makes it seem as though he wanted it to pass quickly – it comes off incredibly low effort. Someone who truly loves you and cares about you would have discussed it further with you, and would have explained more in-depth for why you were excluded or for why they just didn’t think to invite you.
Obviously partners can do things without the other, but he’s already excluding you from the things he enjoys and important events such as his birthday. That is indicative of bad things further down the line. I hope you know that you deserve better than that type of treatment.