Sigh, I know another relationship post, but my mind feels like it’s going to implode.
31F been with my 39M for 6 years. He checks all the boxes, we want the same things in life. But I just for some reason have never felt mentally comfortable in this relationship. I constantly feel like I have to be “on”. His presence exhausts me. Even calling him when he is away for work exhausts me. But I’m convinced it would be that way with anyone… I inherited an ugly disposition from my father to be easily exhausted by the emotional needs of others and I am deeply ashamed of it, so I keep pushing through here.
This man would do anything for me. I have a house because of him, a vehicle when I didn’t have one, he built me a business at one point, he still keeps loving me the same even when we are going through rough patches.
Now he wants to buy land, so we can build a lil homestead with our dogs and one day and have kids. Yet, my gut feeling is “fuck”.
Everyone says to work on things if you want the same things in life. We do want that exactly. But I already feel like I’ve aged 10 years in 6, mentally at least.
A big reason we have stayed together is because we both have HSV-2. One of us unknowingly brought it into the relationship early on. And over the last couple of years when I’ve thought about ending things, I feel guilty and almost a sense of irresponsibility leaving this almost 40 y/o man alone with an STD. We live in a very small close minded town and the pickins are already slim. If I leave him, he may never get to have kids or a family. And I care about him enough to stay for that reason.
Idk you guys. I literally have tried to end things. I told him I didn’t want to marry him. I told him I didn’t love him anymore (all in the kindest ways that you could say that if it’s even possible to imagine). I moved out for 2 weeks. And he is just sending me links and making plans to buy land like I haven’t tried to rip his heart out 3 times in the past year.
Has anyone else experienced this level of relationship anxiety and stayed? ( I am in therapy and we are going to be working on Internal Family Systems)
Comments
>Now he wants to buy land, so we can build a lil homestead with our dogs and one day and have kids. Yet, my gut feeling is “fuck”.
I think you know the answer if you’re feeling this way and have recently told him you didn’t want to get married.
Why are you on edge with him? I’m not really clear that’s going on/what he did/is doing to you?
HSV is not a reason to stay IMO. I have hsv I’ve had the convo at last a dozen times. It may be harder for him than it is for you IMO. Staying with someone for fear of not finding someone else even when you know you don’t love them just screams codependency.
Does it not feel comfortable because it’s all overwhelming you? Because it almost feels like the next stage in your life and you’re scared of leaving your current way of life?
If you do need some time be really specific, he does not contact you for ‘specified time’ and explain if he continues to contact you that you will block him. He should respect your boundaries in regards to that and respect the fact that you’d like time to find out what you really want. If the space doesn’t help be clear with him if you want more time.
What made you try and end things and how did you feel after you did that? Sorry you’ve done that 3 times? What makes you go back, the guilt?
What I’ve realized is people are not boxes and usually I hear them referred as so when that person doesn’t really like the “box” but can compliment that box by saying they’re a box that looks like something they want (but isn’t)
Relationships are difficult to find. Many people can and will check all the boxes but that doesn’t mean they are compatible to you.
Both of you sound like you need to do work around HSV-2. While this is not something I have to face I have friends that have worked in therapy to destigmatize and stop feeling shame around this. I have been along for the ride as they open up about the work they are doing. I have swiped on people who share they have HSV-2 in their dating profile 🤷🏻♀️ some people care, some people won’t. Either way this should absolutely NOT be a factor on why you stay with someone. And honestly naming that as a reason does feel like it supports the stigma around it.
Answer these questions
You are not happy after 6 years. Don’t fall into the sunk cost fallacy. Desire more for yourself, it is possible when your commitment to the future is stronger than your connection to the past.
I would never want to have a partner who felt this way about me. Do yourselves both a favor and leave!!
I totally get how hard that will be with your lives so intertwined, but just because someone is good on paper doesn’t mean you should stay with them. Nor do you owe anyone anything for have HSV. It’s incredibly common!
Best of luck <3