my boyfriend (23M) and i (22F) have been together for 4 years and lived together for a year now and have consistently maintained this on going argument. we live in a nice house that we get a big discount on rent because my aunt is the landlord. we split rent 50/50. he works at a very well known, high stress, high paying companies full time and i work part time while being a student. he makes a lot more money but it’s also because he finished school and works full time. with my extra free time i do majority of the cleaning. i get frustrated when my cleaning isn’t seen as valuable in comparison to his work. he has told me he doesn’t really care if the house is clean or not. because i really REALLY do,he tries to pick up after himself but i am constantly nagging him. he said that he can’t look around and see what needs to be cleaned but also doesn’t want to be nagged (lists and charts are ignored). i have asked him to clean his office multiple times after already deep cleaning it twice over the last 12 months. he says he promises he will and never does. he works at this prestigious job, but has the room of a 16 year old. he’s not a loser, but maybe a slight manchild? my jaw dropped when he told me he never had any chores growing up?!? is there any hope is changing his habits. i know he cares about me, but i am exhausted amy resent ment is building. and im feeling more like a mother than girlfriend
. am i asking too much or being insane?
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Make him pay for a cleaner once a week. It makes all the difference. NEVER live with someone who has never lived on their own in a real apartment.
Look up weaponized incompetence. That is exactly what he’s doing. Also, he DOES care if the house is clean. He just says he doesn’t to undermine what you contribute. Even if that were true, he should care because you do and you two are in a partnership. I’m sorry to say this but it honestly sounds like you are being taken advantage of in your relationship. I’d ask yourself if this is something you’re willing t to deal with your entire life because based on what you wrote, it sounds like he has no intention of changing and this will only get worse. No loving partner would expect all this from their gf.
It sounds like you’re carrying a heavy load, and it’s understandable to feel overlooked when your efforts aren’t recognized… have you considered setting clear expectations or maybe even hiring help to ease the burden?
I’m sorry you’re struggling with this.
Here’s my advice – Take me with a grain of salt.
For context, I (36f) got married at 20, divorced at 30 (he cheated, had ptsd, refused to get help, stopped working – we were drowning and had 3 kids. I had to take the lifeguards advice of “if it’s you drown or both of us drown, it’s you drown) remarried at 34.
With the above as my premise and keeping those things in mind I’m going to give you the advice that I wish someone had given me when I was exactly where you are. If I had been told this (and listened and applied it) I would have saved myself about 8 years of heartache.
I met an older Indian man on an airplane when I was 22/23. I was pregnant and had a 2 year old and a 1 year old. It was a 5 hour flight and he was very kind and sat next to me and helped me hold the babies. We talked about everything. I was young (and undiagnosed AuDHD) and didn’t grow up with a dad, so a kind man 20 years older than me I immediately overshared. He told me, “life is very long. At any moment you are one choice away from an entirely different life. And it’s not always about happiness. Sometimes we get bored or lonely or sad or frustrated and it’s not anyone else’s job to fix that for us. But we also have to consider, what kind of person will I be 30 years from now if I continue to feel the way I do now the whole time. And you are never too young or too old to start over.”
I see a lot of myself in your question and I’d take you for coffee and have a sister to sister talk if I could. But, I will tell you that I don’t think the argument has anything to do with cleaning the house. I think you are fighting to feel valued and appreciated and in general to be respected.
Love bug that is not something you can fight for. You already are an amazing person. You put in the effort, you meet halfway with the money even though that is a much much bigger sacrifice for you than for him, and you’re still in school and creating something of your life. He should be WAY more supportive of that!
I’m not saying go break up with him today. I’m also not not saying that. I would guess you already have a gut feeling of what you should do. You can always find a roommate to split the rent if you needed to.
You making more money, or 10 years passing isn’t going to change the level of respect. What happens when there’s kids too? Is that how you want to be treated when you’re overwhelmed and off from work or back to part time and trying to be a mom and dealing with postpartum or you’re the one trying to balance a career and always the drop off/pickup person? And skip 30 years down the road and you have a daughter and she’s 22 and living with a boy who is just like your boyfriend now… is that who you would want for her and choose for her?
I’m sure there are a lot of really great things about your boyfriend because you sound like a smart woman, and you wouldn’t stay with someone for this long and put in this much effort if there weren’t a lot of great things about them.
But what makes a marriage last (and trust me I learned the hard way) is not just how you feel about them, but also how they make you feel about you.
You can’t teach someone to respect you.
And life is very long.
Good luck!
Ps: feel free to pm me if you want to