Hi friends, I (35F) have been completely drained in my dating life. It is almost coming close to a decade of trying, working on myself, journalling, trusting the process, putting myself out there, doing therapy, seeking feedback, staying happy on my own, listening to podcasts and reading books on love. In addition, I always tried to keep a balanced life where I worked hard in my career and kept a good lifestyle with gym, social activities, friends, etc. despite of being an introvert. I have fallen many times in life with rejections, failures, and tragedies, and I always started one more time because I always trusted God. For the first time, my faith is losing. My hopes seem to have shattered down completely. I met many people on dating apps and in real life as I am active in getting out. I only clicked with people from real life. I had 2 long-term relations of around 1 and 1.5 years respectively in my 20s and 2 short-term relations in my 30s (roughly 4/5 months each). The relations ended for different reasons like physical abuse, mental abuse, being led on and being lied to, etc. I never had any casual relations. I just wanted to have a good companionship and simple life, get married, have kids, and raise my family. However, it never materialized. On youtube, I see many videos shaming single women of 30s. It feels like I am in a competition. In partners, I never set any unrealistic standards. My past partners were average-looking by common standards, just like me, and in my eyes, they were the best-looking. I also remained fully open to dating men who earn less than me. Despite that, I saw myself becoming a doormat for them. For me, what mattered was the overall personality, kindness, and values. Also, in 30s my mental and physical health became the highest priority, so I completely stopped social media as it was affecting me negatively in my late 20s esp. around covid time.
I lost the most loving man of my life, my Dad, more than a decade ago. I faced lot of challenges after that. However, I took it with a happy face and worked hard for the last decade, got great education, moved cities/countries, travelled, and built my financial stability. In all these years, I have fallen sick and no one was there to look out for me, I have cried alone, I have done almost everything alone. I used to be the first person at the door of others in need even at 1 am. I wonder why I was left so alone in life by God. Except for my father, I have never got a sense of safety from another man. I know, I am not a perfect person. I learned about my insecurities in my 20s and my inability to forgive and let go easily. So, I worked on those aspects and my ego and became a better person. The improvement and learning are forever ongoing.
Some of my friends were hitting a very low phase in their love life at one point. I supported them through thick and thin. They would cry about their breakups, and being single. Even though I was in the same boat, I genuinely consoled them and prayed for them. I always thought with a mindset of abundance, that every person deserves love, so I did my part in healing others. Eventually, they overcame their low time and found a partner, they completely disappeared from my life, only reached out to me when they needed some favor. I understood that this is how life works, people get busy and they move on, so it’s ok. I went out and found new friends. Now, I am at a point where I face a lot of judgment from my own friends. Everyone wants to advice me. It is as if I am expected to be a perfect person before I can be with someone. They suggest me to date married men (from unhappy marriages) or wait for their divorces, or to chase men aggressively, hide my age, and go after them. They might be well-intentioned, but none of this aligns with my values.
Slowly, I am becoming a person who is distancing from people. I do not want to be there for anyone anymore. The pain and happiness of others makes no difference to me now. I used to be a person who loved giving love, cooking for others, supporting others to achieve their goals, helping friends plan surprise proposals for their girlfriends. But now, I am becoming numb to the outer world. I am falling short of the strength to go out and socialize anymore. It all feels like a sham. I still stay active in my favorite activities like hiking, running, etc. But, I get sad and stressed a lot more often. I work out for 2 days and then I become dormant for the next 3 days. I keep pushing myself and I keep falling back to the same pattern. This phase is making me gain weight slowly, I am also losing any motivation to cook/read. I cook for 2 days and then eat from outside the next 2 days. Nothing feels right to me. Luckily, I have my loving dog with me and my loving mother talks to me every day. I will also start the process of egg freezing next year. I am sorry for the long post full of sad thoughts. Your thoughts on navigating this phase of life will be greatly appreciated. Thanks!