How do you balance creating an environment where your partner can be fully honest with you and also managing feelings when that honesty hurts your feelings?
In the past I have probably not been the best about creating this kind of environment and I’m trying be better about that. I seem to have done a good job and my partner recently shared something with me that I know he was anxious to tell me.
I’m glad he told me but it did hurt my feelings. It’s not something I have a lot of control over.
Anyway, what do I do now? I’m trying to decide if I should tell him my feelings. But if I do that I’m worried he won’t be as honest in the future. And I alwaysf want him to feel safe telling me everything
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For me, it’s much less about the environment and much more about the person themselves. I had a lot of problems in previous relationships being honest with people, because it just seemed like I could never say my true feelings without unduly hurting their feelings. After a while, I came to realise that I really needed somebody with thick skin. So, I found somebody who is indeed not particularly sensitive, and who also just gets me at my core. I don’t mean that we have 100% perfect communication; but, I can much more easily speak my mind without fear of being misinterpreted because we understand each other at our cores.
Granted, we’re both respectful people more generally. I do think that’s a baseline. Beyond that, though, I actually think underlying compatibility greatly influences how good your communication ends up being.
I feel like there are two things to balance:
Most things are good to say, but there is a right time to it. When someone is sharing something deep, it is time for you to listen and take it in. You can respond, but later is better. What works well is short feedback on the spot or soon after, then express yourself when your thought is fully formed.
Esteemable women don’t wait to react. They do so in the moment, and learn to do it graciously and without putting unnecessary pressure on others. This will save you a lot of mental space, and improve your self esteem.
Both are combined with boundaries: if people refuse to listen, then you need to take your move.
Without a specific example… I’m going to assume it wasn’t an actually hurtful statement and it’s more you don’t take feedback well?
Because my hot take is that you should never intentionally hurt your partner’s feelings.
You shouldn’t be thinking of it as “safety to hurt”…you should be figuring out how to communicate important things in a way that isn’t hurtful and figure out how to accept constructive feedback without feeling hurt
You should be able to share that it hurt you. You should be able to both be open with each other and if it wasn’t meant to hurt you then y’all can work on how to talk about things better or to forgive each other when you do accidentally hurt each other’s feelings
Honesty does not require cruelty. Anyone can deliver harsh information in a kind way.
I genuinely think a lot of hurt when communicating could be solved by just beginning the conversation with “I need you to trust me when I say I care about you and I’m coming from a place of genuine desire to strengthen our relationship, but we need to talk about X.”
It should be you two against the problem not you two against each other, so reassuring the other party that you’re not attacking them feels like an obvious start. Of course you have to be willing to listen without getting upset.