Disclaimer: Please read (til) the end as the title can be very misleading. I wanted to keep it as short as possible but it needs context. Much appreciation in advance. Truly.
I have been with my bf for a year now and neither of us has formulated the word yet, even though neither of us has any doubt about the feelings. We are a great pair, ironically open communicators and put effort and time and thought into our relationship. We are good.
A bit of backstory:
Growing up, I was sexually, emotionally and mentally abused by my brother and basically lived with Stockholm syndrome until about age 17. Still, I have always had a very healthy and loving relationship with my parents. They are God knows not perfect but a wonderful couple and they showed me what love should look like. So I did have good examples.
My first two relationships ended before their six months mark due to lacking life compatibility in one and the typical anxious-girl-avoidant-guy dynamic going on in the other. I am glad I got out fairly early from the latter especially and healed from it the following two years focussing on therapy and work and myself.
My bf could be perceived as somewhat avoidant, however not to a toxic degree. We talk very openly and “deep” and frequently for hours or really days on end, it’s very stimulating and it builds trust every time. He is just not that expressive with emotions or feelings. His parents are lovely but never were super warm either, so I guess it’s a cultural thing and that is totally fine.
Tbh I am also kinda sick of empty words which is why I appreciate in a way that he doesn’t use them so much to express his affection, even though I have an extremely romanticized and warped sense of how love should be expressed.
I myself have always been told that I have a way with words, I write poetry, I am a hopeless romantic whilst having my reality checks keep me grounded (or so I believe) and I love pouring myself into little gifts or notes for the people I love. Sometimes it’s hard to remember how the other person loves you when you project from the way you yourself express love.
We have talked about our respective ways of showing our affections, yet we have never said I love you (in our mother tongue there are two terms for it that can be used interchangeably but usually one is reserved for romantic relationships and the other for platonic) … and I know I love him. I know how I feel. Still, whenever I think about saying the words, it feels disconnected, like an out of body experience, me standing next to my body and talking about myself.. it feels insincere, learned, performative… like in the movies. I put so much weight on this word that I think I overrationalize it. How do I find a way to connect to the term better?
Tl;dr: thinking about saying I love you feels performative and insincere like an out of body experience or “having to look like in the movies”, even though I feel it to my bones.
Comments
Look into love languages! It sounds like you’re not “words of affirmation,” but maybe “acts of service” or “quality time” are more your speed.