Hello everyone,
I had a thought as I was in the shower and a wave of anxiety filled me. I’ve been with my (22F, 22M) boyfriend for a while and I was thinking about what it’d be like if I was to get married (context: he’s Middle Eastern, therefore BIG weddings). I sort of have an on and off social anxiety thing, where I can muster up the courage to do certain things like say big speeches at funeral proceedings and present uni research in front of large groups. However, in social settings, like eating alone, walking along a street alone etc, I will be extremely self conscious and be filled with a lot of anxiety, as if everyone’s judging my every move. It took me a long time just to eat in public and go to the gym by myself.
My bf’s family like to attend weddings and have big parties. Although I am still young and don’t want to marry anytime soon, the thought of potentially having a wedding freaks me out. Everyone will have their eyes on the bride (ME!) and take photos throughout the day. What if I trip? What if my makeup is bad or I get my period on the day? Everyone could talk behind my back and I would never know.
For most women, their wedding is the most important day of their lives. To me, it sounds costly, nerve-wracking and tiring. What if I never have a ceremony due to my fears? How do I fix this?
*TL;DR:* Scared of potentially having a wedding ceremony due to fear of being perceived.
Comments
it’s totally normal to feel anxious about the big W-day, especially with all those eyes on you. But hey, take it easy and remember it’s YOUR day, nobody else’s. Your man loves you for you, period mishaps and all. Just keep it real and focus on what matters most – celebrating your love. No need to stress, babe, you got this!
What if you don’t have a ceremony? Seriously. What if you just don’t?
I also didn’t want a huge wedding, due to both cost and social anxiety. So we didn’t. We had about 80 people (still too many if you ask me) and we did the things that were important to us (catering!).
Don’t be miserable on a day that is special for you. Make it what you want it to be.
First of all: no matter where your boyfriend is from, he is marrying you (if that’s what the two of you decide on) not his culture. Don’t marry someone who is more into the idea of having a big wedding than spending the rest of their life with you.
Secondly, it sounds like your social anxiety is tied to control: you can write a speech, practice a presentation, but you can’t «prepare» for walking down the street or going to the gym.
If you decide you want a wedding, make sure to go to a lot of weddings, get a wedding planner, and spend a lot of time to prepare for what you are worried about. If won’t take your anxiety away, but I think it will help a lot. Physically spend time at the location (both for the ceremony and party), practice walking down the aisle, think about how the tables are placed so moving around is easy, get a professional toast master etc. anything to make the situation as predictable as possible, so you can prepare.
Lastly, everyone will not have their eyes on you the whole night. I’m sorry, but social anxiety makes us so self centered. I’ve struggled with it for a long time. But when I’m at a wedding, my eyes are at whoever is giving a toast. They are at the line for the bar. They are at my own feet because I’m wearing heels. They are at that man I’m pretty sure I’ve met before, but I can’t remember his name, and he’s coming towards me. They are at the bride for a minute, but oh wait, cake. My eyes are now at the cake.
Do you absolutely need to have a wedding ceremony??? My husband and I both have a lot of social discomfort and have giant families- our guest list would have been over 150 people if we had done it. Instead we chose to basically elope/micro ceremony with an officiant, our parents, and about a few friends, literally less than 15 people. We spent less than $2000 on the day for the officiant to do the ceremony (about 15 minutes), a local photographer, and a dinner reception following. It was SO much less stress, saved us a ton of money, and felt intimate and special. I would not change a thing. At some point, we want to have a reception party for our friends, but we’re not in a rush. Could that be a compromise you and your husband are open to? An intimate ceremony, and a reception later on where family and friends can celebrate. You wouldn’t need to worry about being in front of a large group for the ceremony, and a party is a lot less stress because you aren’t necessarily the center of attention while people are eating/dancing/etc.
You’re worry about something that’s not happening yet. This sounds more like an anxiety spiral than real feelings about him or the wedding. The type where you’re better off talking to a therapist to find ways to contain this. Your emotions are taking you on a massive stress trip so you’re panicking and feeling all the worries, but this problem doesn’t exist (yet). It means that this is not a useful stressor as it’s not solving any of your problems in any way. This probably also happens with other things you’re afraid of. So a professional who can help you techniques about distraction, processing and acceptance will likely help you getting out of this catastrophic thinking.
As for a wedding: when things go wrong and are terrible, it won’t matter as long you marry the guy you love and have people who care about you around you. No ones day goes perfect, there are always little disasters and most people still look back and think of their big day warmly. The little mistakes enhance the happiness instead of ruining it.