I’ve been dating my dream guy for about a year. The first 6 months were magical and I was very entranced by the honeymoon phase, I was able to hide my deteriorating mental health. Now that the honeymoon phase is gone, I’m cracking and exposing the messy side of myself that I’m terrified will impact the relationship and have him leave.
For context, we started dating when I just got a new job that has been causing me constant misery. I’ve always suffered from bad depression & anxiety, but this job has intensified my symptoms so much and caused me to develop an autoimmune disorder due to pure stress alone. Before dating him, I was chronically single and a huge bedrotter. I didn’t have the healthiest habits in terms of gym and diet…but when I first started dating him, I tried to do better so that I at least appeared to be doing well for myself.
The first 6 months I would always try to show my best face. I would be peppy, crack jokes, show my adventurous side, propose really fun activities, etc. We went on lovey dovey vacations, and I was able to ignore my bad mental health.
These past few months, I’ve been slipping. I would sleep over and the next day would be bed rotting the entire day. He would nag me to get up and when I say I’m tired or not feeling well he would say I’m being lazy and making excuses. He told me I should do more exercise and eat better, and I say I will…but I can never seem to break old habits. Because of my job I’ve been waking up with panic attacks and would be crying myself to sleep and in the mornings. He has comforted me, but I feel he’s going to get sick of my constant moping. Depression and anxiety robbed me of my spark and now I’m finding it hard to hold a normal conversation and all I want to do is sleep. He tells me I need to find a new job but the entire process gives me debilitating anxiety and I seem to self sabatoge and avoid anxiety-inducing things all together.
He is highly motivated & successful, and it pains me that I can’t match him. I’m convinced if I don’t change soon he is going to leave me and I’m convinced that he is falling out of love with me. I know I have to work on myself…but it is so hard for me. I’m terrified he is going to leave. And I’m scared to talk to him about my mental health because I fear it will drive him away. I feel so pathetic all the time and that I don’t deserve him.
I don’t know exactly what answers I am looking for here. I wanted to vent and I guess hear if couples have lasted despite one dealing with some mental health issues. Or what things will help save the relationship. I know what I need to work on from my end…but I feel so lost and hopeless.
TL; DR, Scared I’m driving away boyfriend due to deteriorating mental health that I was able to hide when we first dated.
Comments
The right partner is for you when you are at your worst, not just your best. I would have a frank conversation with him. Tell him about your history of anxiety and depression, and about how you are also struggling with an autoimmune disorder now. And talk to him about actionable things he can do to help you find your feet again.
Indeed, one of the worst things about mental illness is it cuts you off from getting the support you need to manage your mental illness. But you need to work on building a Team You who can support you when you’re not doing well. Maybe you have one friend who can sit with you and say encouraging things for an hour once a week while you send out resumes. Maybe you have a friend who takes you out to lunch and talks about movies. Maybe you have an accountability buddy for walking or going to the gym. I sincerely hope you’re in therapy already, but if not maybe a friend who is can help you find a therapist.
You deserve help to get through this. It’s too hard to do yourself. And if your boyfriend can’t be part of Team You, dump him.
This is honestly why you should never just “put on a happy face” and hide what’s going on with you. You’ve created an expectation you’ll never be able to match long term. It’s time to be honest with him about your struggles, along with getting mental health help.