I have said ‘no’ when asked if I am ok, and it is getting really difficult finding some sort of response which is true for me, but might not be handled well by those who asked.
Asking how I am at this point, just for making conversation, just constantly reminds me throughout the day that I am really not OK. And I also don’t know how to handle not being ok.
Serious question – how do you answer people who ask you how you are when greeting, but you have been miserable for years with depression and anxiety – do you just say fine? Or say that your struggling but dreading the follow up awkwardness?
r/ask
Comments
📣 Reminder for our users
>1. Check the rules: Please take a moment to review our rules, Reddiquette, and Reddit’s Content Policy.
>2. Clear question in the title: Make sure your question is clear and placed in the title. You can add details in the body of your post, but please keep it under 600 characters.
>3. Closed-Ended Questions Only: Questions should be closed-ended, meaning they can be answered with a clear, factual response. Avoid questions that ask for opinions instead of facts.
>4. Be Polite and Civil: Personal attacks, harassment, or inflammatory behavior will be removed. Repeated offenses may result in a ban. Any homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist, or bigoted remarks will result in an immediate ban.
🚫 Commonly Asked Prohibited Question Subjects:
>1. Medical or pharmaceutical questions
>2. Legal or legality-related questions
>3. Technical/meta questions (help with Reddit)
This list is not exhaustive, so we recommend reviewing the full rules for more details on content limits.
✓ Mark your answers!
>If your question has been answered, please reply with
Answered!!to the response that best fit your question. This helps the community stay organized and focused on providing useful answers.I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
I just say Fine unless I known they care. I hate it when people who do not care ask that question.
"Same old, same old."
"Hanging in there"
After 37 years of chronic pain and fatigue, these are my current responses:
I’m out of bed and dressed. The bar is low, but that’s a win!
The horror persists, as do I.
Alive and kicking, although I have to hold onto something if I actually kick.
Then I laugh, because it’s how I keep myself going.
Same shit different day
I just don’t answer the question anymore.
If I’m talking face to face, I just ignore it and just start asking them questions, or I’ll respond with something like "the weather’s getting nice, looking forward to that."
Or if I get a "Hi how are you?" in Teams, I just respond with a simple "hello." This especially bugs me at work because I just want to say "do you really fucking care how I am? Can you just get to whatever you messaged me for?"
The horrors persist, but so do i.
one of my go to answers is “surviving, not thriving”
Get help.
It sounds like you’re body or mind is telling you that it’s not okay with feeling this way and saying that you’re fine when you’re not. This sounds like a sign for change.
If the person who said it isn’t really looking for an honest answer say "Good" or "Fine" or "I’m getting by" because (unfortunately) it’s just a social word thing. It’s like saying "bless you" after someone sneezes– most people probably don’t mean it as an actual warding away of evil spirits with a blessing. These are not blanket statements though, there are exceptions of course, this is just what’s generally considered socially acceptable in the US.
This doesn’t mean you have to continue to suffer the way that you have been through, and it doesn’t mean you have to feel alone.
You can find people that are open to talking or listening to you and seek help
Depends who is asking. If it’s my partner sn I’m not OK i tell her. Actual friends probably same depending on what’s bothering me. Workmates or anyone else injust same I’m good an move on
Im still alive
Don’t answer with how you are feeling when making small talk with acquaintances. Instead answer with what you have been t.
“I’m really getting into traveling lately-just got back from X”
“I just started a new job last week so I’ve been super busy getting up to speed with that”
“I’ve been working on my house and doing a big DIY project building a gaming room in my basement “
That question has kind of devolved into a standard, informal greeting that to me applies to the immediate, current moment. Like, I’m not bleeding to death, so I’m fine. You wouldn’t ask that of someone who was bleeding to death, now would you?
No. I just say fine. Most people don’t really want to know how you are when they ask that. It’s just small talk.
"Living the dream." They don’t need to know that the dream is a nightmare.
Depends where you are in the world
"living the dream" unless I’m feeling cocky then it’s "not dead yet" with a smile
“Struggling” is a fair response.
Good and you? Probably even with a Canadian accent.
Brah, everyone is dealing with their own problems, just say fine.
If it’s a random human interaction, like with a cashier or at a social gathering, I just say "fine". If it’s a co-worker or acquaintance, I might say "upright and taking nourishment" or "just rolling that rock uphill" with a wry smile. If it’s a real friend who is really asking, I might tell the truth.
It’s usually pretty obvious when it’s just a social greeting and when it’s a heartfelt question.
Today the rock is kind of small, and is rolling easier, thanks for asking. 🙂
When it’s someone I know, right now the answer is Some days are better than others. They get it.
When it’s someone I don’t know, I answer with a report on the weather. Well, the sun is out so…. or well, it’s pouring outside so… The dangling so helps us to relate in a personal way without committing.
Assess the interaction. In most cases, "How are you?" is simply a greeting, especially if you don’t have a deeper relationship with the person asking.
I hide it and lie, and tell them I’m fine. I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems/issues.
Living the dream
It seems like people who ask you how you are doing don’t really care , it’s just a formality
That being said someone who really cares is willing to listen
Taking it one day at a time.
Counting my blessings.
Hanging in there.
Searching for serenity in a storm.
Find a phrase that suits you and make it yours. Don’t say great or fine if you’re not. But also no need to make pleasantries painful.
My typical response is "I’m here" or "Living the dream," something along those lines.
"how are you?"
"im alive"
(90% of the time) "well thats a good thing"
"thats a matter of viewpoint"
shuts em up 100% of the time.
another favorite of mine for the overly happy people who insist of making conversation is "i dont know you, and i dont owe you, please dont talk to me" 100% silence rate on this one as well..
I think “how are you?” In certain social settings is part of a greeting and not reflective of an actual question of how are you?
If you are sitting at a lunch date with an old friend and asks this after all other pleasantries have been exchanged, then answering sincerely would be appropriate, if it’s a coworker in passing, someone you see at the grocery store, or during a cocktail hour answering “fine thank you and you? “ or I am well, how are you? Is probably the more socially appropriate response.
“I’m the same, how are you”
“Still on this side of the dirt”
“I’m happy to see you”
fine is only ever the answer that people are expecting to hear when they ask that question.
It goes
Serious Answer:
It ain’t that deep. This is a casual greeting & and acceptable social norm. Not an actual opportunity for you to trauma dump. I’m assuming that these people are not a mental health professional, that you are paying.
You need to realize that everyone is fighting their own demons. They are generally ill equipped to help themselves, let alone acquaintances.
“Could be better, could be worse. You?”
Hanging in there, right next to the cat is what I typically say. The first part is the truth. The second part generally stops a follow up.
Once had a visit from a family member who lived out of state. He was a very grounded kind of guy.
When I saw him we went through the typical dance of “How are you?”. I had a bad personal day that day and I answered “do you want the public relations answer or do you want the no bullshit answer?”
Of course, he being the realistic type said give me the no bs answer. So we went off from other family members and had a really decent conversation.
If they have not been around, they only get a superficial response from me. They are only acquaintances.
Answer with another question. Does it really matter?
It’s been tough but I’ll be ok.
I always say "living the dream". Most people smile, my BFF asked me and I responded with my usual, then he asked me "which one" which was a first. My response was "you know the one where you wake up in a panic". He laughed so hard and for so long, I started laughing.
"Life ebbs and flows"
"Alive."
It gets a chuckle out of the right people.
“Living the dream” with a straight face
Honestly I would pick one thing they could legitimately do to help me. I won’t dwell on the details, but pick one thing that needs a focus and ask for their help on it.
If nothing else, they will likely ask next time “how was that thing you mentioned last time” and that alone will keep you in check and accountable.
Don’t forget to thank them for asking how are you and checking in on you, and that you appreciate it.
The Irish version is "Ah sure you know yourself". It means I’m fucked but who isnt
I say, OK, just barely.
I tell people that I’m doing well for where I am at. Something like that.
Subjected to entropy, decay and ultimate death just like everyone.
"Fine" or "I’m here". Why make it complicated for someone that isn’t a therapist?
Shrug, nod and reply with the same question, roughly matching their energy. All in one movement
OP, I feel like the other side of this coin is how people respond (or don’t) when somebody subtly expresses their distress. “Can’t complain,” can prompt a, “Sure, you absolutely can. What’s going on?”
There’s a whole list:
“What do you need?”
“Give me the short version.”—
“Yeah? You’re welcome to say more.”
“So much good stuff starts as complaining.”
It can feel awkward, but that’s one of the great ways we learn. Be more open. Find more commonality. I know people struggle with extraordinary social anxiety, but practice can really help.
I ask them if they want me to be polite or honest and let them decide my answer for me.
"Good" means good. "Okay" means crap.
It doesn’t matter because people who ask that question usually don’t give a fuck about the answer anyway. To prove this, just try to start explaining your reasoning for any reply beyond a “doing great” and watch how quickly they zone out. People don’t actually give a fuck.
Living the dream.
Not telling them the dream is to have an alien eat my brain asap.
I can’t call it
"Not too bad."
Tends to eliminate the awkward follow-ups.
With people I know but am not close to, I just say, "Fine, thanks, and you?" It is just a social norm. If it is a close friend, and I know they are really asking, I will tell them the truth, unless it is just in passing and we have no time to talk about how I am doing.
I don’t think people are insensitive for asking. It is a broadly used social term, and is part of our culture.
Sadly (as someone who’s autistic and thus doesn’t naturally get that people often say things they don’t mean) usually such a question isn’t about the actual answer- it’s just a thing you say
These days, since struggling with my own mental health since losing my cat, I typically say "as well as can be expected"
As someone with quite a few mental illnesses and physical issues/diseases, I just say "I’ve been better" if I’m having a shit day.
Depends if it’s a stranger or acquaintance "ah, things could be worse"
If a friend "things could be better"
If my partner, 101% the truth
“Same piss, different pants”
“I’m doing subpar how are you?”
“I’m making it.”
"Living the Dream"
“I’m alive.”
If you’re Dutch tell them exactly how you feel and your life story to boot.
I usually say something like "Oh, I’ve seen better days" or "I’m hanging in there"
‘There I go’
I’m alive
I’m tired
I’m awake
I’m getting on with it
Its [Day of the week with exasperation]
Its a "meh" moment.
Most adults feel that way to some degree. "I’m tired" is typically the default. Asking "how are you" back quickly enough moves it on. If someone circles back then they genuinely want to know so you can talk about it lightly.
“Livin’ the dream” that usually makes them chuckle
Taking each day as it comes.
Meh. How are you?
The darkness persists but so do I
It’s another form of saying hello
Most people don’t expect you to have a detailed response. Maybe they do if it’s a personal friend of yours
Just say living the dream buddy
Someone asked me that yesterday. I said I was sad about a certain situation and feeling existential dread over what’s happening in our country. That I really wasn’t ok , but thanked them for asking. Then I asked how they were.
Still here
"Not good, but fine for the purposes of this conversation."
Just peachy.
Living the dream
Could be better
I’m living
Hanging in there
I’m surviving
Could be worse
Eh
‘Not bad, you?’
"Hanging on by one claw".
Sometimes, with complete strangers, I’ll say "About the same ".
Most of the time, "fine"/"still here"/"all good"…..because I’m not getting into that conversation.
Usually if I’m really bad I don’t even answer, not in a rude way I just deflect and say, "oh hi how are you" and then move on….
My regular version of this happens at work.
"How are you doing?"
"Well, I’m here."
“as well as i can be” and “alive are my go tos
My standard response is “better by the minute”.
Can’t complain (because it won’t help)
I am a fairly honest individual. I’d say, “Not great, but getting better. Let’s change the topic please. How about that sportsball team last night?”
You tell the truth, they know something’s up and that you’ll talk about it when you’re ready.
I personally say “Living the dream!” With a smile. And if they know anything about me, they’ll often say something like, “but what about xyz?”
“Hey, nightmares are dreams too!” Followed by a wry smile.
You say, "I am great. How are you?" It’s not a lie or a falsehood. You are asking questions on reddit. That means that your life is much better than most people who have ever lived. Reject the nihilism and get on with your life.
For me, if a person answers with anything else other than "Doing good" or "Hanging in there,"" I will put down what I am doing and follow up with a check-in. "Hanging in there" to me means "Not good, but I think im handling it well, I just want to not think about it right now." If you tell me it’s not going well, we have crossed the boundary of social politeness, and you are in a state where you are struggling to keep it in. I am usually willing to stop and listen, even be a shoulder to cry on, in that case.
So, how are you doing?
I’ve been, how are you?!
I say “oh, I have good days and bad days…”
Like everyone else, I presume.
"Living the life."
"I’m alright"
Letterkenny has all the answers.
How are you now?
Pretty good.
like the John Prine song, and the guy from Patriot.
https://youtu.be/8Yo2ZYAdxa4?si=fGYd64zOg9i6fCkG
https://youtu.be/UHuBlhjiGCs?si=dwV62uHkjV73qRUC
I say "no complaints no one gives a shit anyway "
“Up and not crying” is the answer in Norway.
My Dad would always say “Not bad”.
I’ve said “Fair to partly cloudy”. Sometimes I add “Overcast with a chance of hail.”
It actually doesn’t matter what you answer because most people aren’t really listening. They ask “how are you” as a custom. People who actually care already have a sense of how you are doing.
Life is soup and I am fork
Doing so well I can hardly stand it
lately I’ve been throwing out the "I persevere" with a bit of a smirk.
In my country it’s not a custom to lie and say "I’m doing great, how about you?", I’d usually say something about what’s currently happening (my husband changing jobs, moving, what’s up at work, what project I’m working on, we had the flu last week or something like that) and I usually prefer that to just expressing an emotion.
"it is what it is" I use that as a filler whenever I feel like it.
I just say "I’m doing" when they ask "How are you doing" and then pivot
I find out about them instead.
Great, how are you?
Close friends can be answered truthfully, but for people in general "how are you" is equivalent to "hi!".
They don’t really want to know how you are and answering truthfully can lead to some awkwardness…
“You don’t really want to know”
I love a good “ugh, you know how it is.”
I’ve started saying ‘kind of bad’ in response to it. It’s surprising that it then gives the other person permission to say they are also struggling. I think a lot of people are having a hard time in life now. Anyone not rich is going to get it. 💙
Due to your mental health and anxiety I am going to assume you are neurodiverse here, and taking the question as genuine instead of social doublespeak.
In many places, "how are you?" Is used to mean "hello", and if you answer honestly then you will see a flare of genuine horror in the eyes of the person you are talking to. It’s like if a British person says "come over anytime!" but will reacted with shocked terror if you actually turn up at their home unannounced. It’s social-nicety doublespeak; they don’t actually want to know how you are doing, it’s just a reflexive check box when making small talk.
My favourite responses when I don’t have the energy to lie about how I am feeling is "the demons persist, but so do I," with folk who know me, or just "Hanging on in there, you?" To those I don’t know well.
My baba used to always say “you know, 6 of one and half a dozen of the other”
“good,” because i don’t think they really care!
I turn it round and … baam …hit them in the face with it.
"suficient"?
I lie. Surface level answers.
I say no I’m not…but then say thanks for asking
It depends on the context of the question.
An old friend asking genuinely, I’d probably tell them what’s going on.
Newer friends or strangers asking genuinely, I’d probably say "fine".
However, a lot of times people are just trying to start a conversation and the inquiry in not genuine. In that case, I’d say "I’m doing well, how about yourself?"
"Living the dream"
"I’m tired already, and not looking forward to crawling around under my house on my day off, but that leak ain’t gonna fix itself"
Or some other appropriate and true response.
Fine
I usually answer… "I’ve been worse!" 🤷♂️
I always say "living the dream" and depending on how funny I’m feeling I’ll say "sometimes the dream is a nightmare."
Getting by
I feel this to my bones rn
I ignore the question and say – how nice to see you
I go “ehhhhhhhhhhh” or other noncommittal sound.
Ups n downs, thanks for asking, how are you?
I have found, personally, that a shit sandwich works in so many situations.
So I would say something like, “oh I’m doin ok, the depression is back so that’s hard but I saw a baby skunk today so it’s not all bad.” I let folks know I’m not in the best frame of mind but let the folks who don’t or won’t engage with mental illness or negativity in general (a shocking number of people lol hate toxic positivity) talk about a cute baby skunk.
Then I judge the fuck out of them in my head and move on with my misery. The real ones are like fuck the skunk need anything? But they’re rare.
I’m sorry you’re suffering, friend, as a lifelong depression sufferer I feel you. It’s hard out there. And no one seems to understand how easy it is to just listen a little sometimes. Idk rambling but that’s what I do. Much love. Hope you see whatever your baby skunk is today.
Nobody wants to hear that shit. I just day fine.
Doing alright, you? I’m nearly 40, and to be fair, everyone has their own stuff going on, but as a guy, only a few will truly care if you tell them. There are free phone numbers if you’re really struggling. I’ve used those many moons ago and they do help.
Depends on the person, but most of the time I just say "fine" or something to that effect.
The reason is because most people who ask questions like this aren’t really asking nor do they want to hear about your problems. No, they’re making small talk at best and at worst they’re they’re using it as a way for the conversation to turn around and be about them.
If you’re british the correct response is “good, you?” That is all.
I say fine or ok, though there has been someone that has said people usually say good. In my mind I say well lucky them, there are days I’m barley keeping things together
Not too bad, you?
I always say "I’m not to bad "
Or I pause and say why ?
Not all the time but I work in construction so I have fun with it randomly, it really throws people off
"Same poop different pile" or.." ok"
"STILL ALIVE!" is my standard answer every time anyone asks something like that as a greeting
I don’t need to tell some stranger my life story, so I just say "I’m well, ta".
I would just say “don’t ask”. Once they hear that, they are prepared for a possible shit show, so if they then still want to get into it, they will follow up.
As peter would say “trying to do better”
“Living the dream.”
"Can’t complain" is my go to response.
I tell them to fuck off and mind their own business
U get the strength to tell the people u need to tell the truth. Because some people are gems and will help u in ways u never expected. But also u should never struggle alone ! If u need to tell people for work to be more vocal about it. Try to make life as comfortable as u can for urself. U want to be taking active steps towards relieving urself of miserableness and that is a part of it ! As for lay people, they can very much make it worse. Make disconnection and depressive dissonance much worse ! U have ur Reddit family if u ever need to talk but professionals are needed !
I like to say “The horrors persist but so do I.” 😁
Read the room. Some people can handle the real, many can’t. Look for the ones who can and be real with them.
In those moments I say “ life’s been a kick in the nuts, how’s yours?”
I would just say "I’m OK"…
If it is someone I am close to, I say “I could be better”. If it is an acquaintance, “Fine”.
Just chugging along.. what else can I say. I’m gonna start saying "Oh, you know…" A’la Anna Kendrick at the premiere of Another Simple Favour when asked how it was to work with Blake again on that sequel lol
Depends on how much you wanna open up because it is kinda weird to straight up trauma dump on someone who is just trying to greet you and go on their way. If you’re just giving an honest answer but don’t wanna elaborate, you can say something like eh could be better but I’m alive/here!
when i am so depressed i honestly don’t care about faking a response so i normally just tell people i am depressed or however i am actually feeling. Most people will just be like oh im so sorry or maybe ask if they can do anything for you or just say they are there for you. The negative response you are expecting is rare, and the worst case scenario is that they don’t know how to respond and become awkward, but that’s on them for asking, you should never feel ashamed to be honest when asked. And who cares, you’re sad anyway, having an awkward interaction is probably the least of your concern at that point. Its easier for me to unmask and not care if it makes other uncomfortable, so that’s what i recommend. Faking an interaction is just way too draining when i already hate life. Sometimes just honestly telling someone im miserable and letting the uncomfortableness sink in is cathartic. Dont ask me how i am if you dont want to know thats my mindset.
I’m fine or if I’m particularly in a bad good I go with I’m here
It’s a rhetorical question. Nobody really gives a shit "how you are"