Me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 year now and moved in with each other last year. Our sex life had always been good but recently it’s been feeling like a chore for me. A little background, I’ve never been able to cum from our sex. When we first started dating I lied about cumming from sex to spare his feelings but I felt guilty after a while and eventually ended up telling him the truth. He was reasonably upset and disappointed and just started feeling insecure about not being able to satisfy me in that way. I reassure him all the time that I still enjoy our sex and it feels good, but it’s just beginning to feel like a chore for me. I do it to satisfy him, but honestly I don’t know if I’m satisfied anymore not being able to reach that point during sex. We’ve talked about it and have tried different things to make me cum during sex but unless we use a toy, nothing works and he told me he’s basically given up hope to make me cum and always mentions how he thinks there’s someone else out there who could make me cum. I should also note he’s my first, so I don’t have any experience to compare this to nor do I crave anything from anyone else but him. I still just feel stuck because I really wish I could experience cumming from sex with him but it feels impossible and it’s gotten to the point that I don’t desire sex. He thinks it’s because I’m not attracted to him anymore and I reassure him that’s I am and that it’ll always be him, but I just don’t know what to do.
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Why spend your life having bad sex?
Lots of women cannot reach orgasm through PIV sex alone. There’s nothing wrong with you or him. Just incorporate a vibrator.
Seek out a sexologist! They will have infinite better advice than anyone on reddit and be able to work with you both to find a solution.
Been there with my ex husband and so understand where your coming from. First, a lot of women can’t cum vaginally, but can quite nicely orally. How is his oral game or does he not even go down on you and if he does is he giving you short shrift? I had a dead bedroom in my marriage. He was my first and I was inexperienced. He never went down on me and the sex was soooo freakin ho hum….I was just going through the motions. I will tell you right now that if things go south in the bedroom, that is the beginning of the end of the relationship as it will infect all aspects of your relationship. Trust me on this. You have to tell him that you would like him to satisfy you orally. Your pleasure should be front and center for him. I have had mind blowing orgasms with outstanding oral sex with a lover who was consistent every time. I always had a mindblowing orgasm orally but not with penetration. I endedx up divorced at 29 as he and I became like brother and sister living under the same roof. If you have any questions, just ask.
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When you say using a toy, do you mean just only a toy? Because you could try holding a toy to your clit and then have him penetrate you if you’re both okay with that. That way both people have a chance at cumming.
Do you have enough time to get aroused before getting into it ? The muscles of the vagina take an average 20 minutes to get ready. Same goes for the clitoris to swell, the more swollen, the better it feels.
Does he seduce you or just touch you out of the blue when you’re about to sleep ?
A reason for your issue could be that you’re so used to masturbate one specific way that you currently can’t cum unless touched exactly like that. You could show him what you do, or you could try to masturbate differently for a while, to get used to something else.
Another thing worth trying would be to get yourself to cum first, so that you are more sensitive, it would be easier to pleasure you after a first orgasm
Women usually can’t cum from PIV alone so other stuff are worth trying too. Multiple stimulations at the same time are doing wonders for most. Like the tongue + fingers combo.
Try to let go too, because orgasms are hard to get with your head so full of pressure to get there. He could help you with that by creating a nice atmosphere (whatever you enjoy, candles, music, tame lights, clean sheets, whatever really), reassuring you that he enjoys pleasuring you and you can take as much time as you need. Focus on the pleasure itself instead of the orgasm
Try to explore kinks too, if you get off to fanfics, porn, visuals, audios, what’s doing it for you ? You can try and incorporate it in your own bedroom activities.
Lastly, why does it matter if you can cum from the toy only for now ? If he’s the one using it on you, and you’re having an orgasm, why is that not enough ?
Orgasm through just penetration is not common, most women can’t reach it that way. Personally, it’s ok, I find they’re a lot smaller. Clit orgasms are a lot stronger in my experience. Orally / clit stimulation is the most common way. Although, physiologically, orgasms are mostly if not all, the same.
For example, have you ever made yourself orgasm through penetration via dildo? If you can’t do it yourself I’m not sure how you expect others to also do it to you.
Just use a vibrator and focus on clit stimulation, toys like The Womaniser. Either he eats you out or you use a clit stimulation toy while he penetrates you.
You are not alone! 70% of women can’t orgasm with vaginal penetration. Research this stuff together so your partner can see the data. He needs to realize that toys are an aid, not competition. I understand feeling like sex is a chore. I believe sex is on a different levels of the Pyramid of Needs for each person. For some people, sex/masturbation can be on the lower foundational levels. For others, sex may feel like more of a commodity and many other levels need to be satisfied first. Figure out where you both exist on this pyramid. If you feel like he’s truly worth the effort, consider seeking out a couples / sex therapist. If that option is more affordable, use ChatGPT together. Do not do all the research yourself! He must be part of it.
The vast majority of women won’t finish with PIV only. It’s probably not a skill issue on his part and you would likely have the same thing happen with anyone you are with. There’s nothing wrong with it and there are tons of other ways to have satisfying sex. You both just have to be open to exploring and trying new things like incorporating toys, and he might need to put more effort into foreplay.
I had an experience like yours with my ex that I was with for five years. He was inexperienced (I was only slightly more experienced) and him not being able to make me finish was a major insecurity for him. Instead of wanting to work on it, he decided to give up (he said it to my face that he was giving up). He was certain that I was not attracted to him even though that wasn’t the case (at the time). He stopped doing foreplay and sex turned into something he did to me instead of with me. Over time he developed a porn addiction, emotionally cheated on me and would have cheated physically if given the chance, and began not taking no for an answer. I actually did stop being attracted to him which he felt vindicated his actions. It sucked, and I left. I’ve been with more people since then and have still never finished from PIV. I’m just simply not wired that way just like the majority of women. I was however able to find people who were way better in bed, including my current partner of 2.5 years who I feel more attracted to every day. He isn’t insecure about our sex life and he’s always willing to try new things, and never makes me feel bad about not being able to finish.
I guess my advice based on having been in a similar situation (granted my ex fucking sucked as a person so hopefully your bf wouldn’t ever get as insane and extreme as he did) is to examine how open he is to trying new things. Is his plan to just give up and tell you that it’s your fault? Can you reframe how you feel about it so that finishing from PIV isn’t the ultimate goal? A book that made me understand my sexuality better was come as you are. I think it’s great for women but even more important for (open minded) men to read. It might be a good place to start for yall.
So erm I had thus issue, but I eventually realised it wasnt that I wasn’t Cumming, it was they weren’t massive ones only mini and never having felt them before I didnt know thats what it was.
Also people who suffer from any sort of mental health, even anxiety it can make it really hard to cum
Honestly some girls cum from clitoral stimulation, a combo of both, some PIV is enough but I know that a vibrator on my clit while my man does his thing is godly. Nothing wrong with incorporating a toy and just explain to him you cum from vibration and you’d love if he would use the toy on you. Tell him you want him to go on this discovery mission with you because you are determined to find what works for you. Knowing that will make him feel you’re together on this
By implying he is the one that will make you cum by using the toy might make him feel empowered because if he will know what satisfies you. Also just sounds like you need to both get a little more adventurous and try some new things just for the thrill and seeing what works and what doesn’t. Also foreplay, foreplay, foreplay. Just tell him that’s the “cheat code” and let him sit and think on it. He will figure it out
Also… Have you considered butt stuff? I never did until my current man and let me tell you …. Amazing.
So many things to try, maybe look at this as an opportunity to explore together. Might reignite that flame
Use Toys. You’ll be fine.
It’s tough when something that once felt natural starts to feel like a chore, but there’s hope because you’re already reaching out and thinking about ways to connect… and that alone shows how much you care. It might not be easy, but exploring new methods together could help reignite what feels lost right now.