Our relationship didn’t start in the best way possible. When I met my current girlfriend, I was still in a relationship with my ex. I told her that upfront — I wasn’t hiding it. Over time, we became really close as friends, and we’d talk about everything: our pasts, relationships, all that stuff. I told her about how messy things were with my ex — breakups, getting back together, betrayal of trust and how how I kept trying to make things work out of hope it would return to how they used to be. She listened and was supportive.
Eventually, feelings started growing between us. We were part of the same group of friends, we spent time together… and after a night where we both drank too much, we ended up sleeping together. I’m not proud of how that happened, regardless of how shitty my ex was or wasn’t. I take responsibility for it. Shortly afterward, I broke up with my ex.
After that, things moved pretty fast between us and we started dating. At first things were light and exciting, but pretty soon, problems started showing up. She became very jealous — sometimes even possessive. I feel like I can’t talk to people (especially women) without it turning into an issue. A lot of the time she assumes the worst, no matter what I say or do to reassure her.
I asked her if this was just about how our relationship started or if she has always felt this way in relationships. She admitted that she tends to be like this — and even said she doesn’t like who she becomes when she’s in a relationship. I’ve tried to be patient and understanding, hoping that with time and trust, things would ease. But it hasn’t really changed. She often brings up the fact that I cheated on my ex as a reason not to trust me.
While I understand how that can create insecurity, she also knew exactly what the situation was when things between us began. She chose to move forward with me despite it, just like I chose to move forward with her. It’s hard not to feel frustrated when she now uses something we both were involved in as a weapon against me.
We haven’t even been together that long — just a few months — but it already feels heavy. I care about her a lot. I really do. But I’m constantly having to explain myself, defend myself over little things, and it’s exhausting. I don’t want to live in a relationship where I’m always on trial.
I guess I’m wondering if is there’s anything I can realistically do to help build her trust, or is this just who she is, and it’s never going to change? Am I being unfair? Or is this just not meant to work?
tl;dr: girlfriend constant jealousy and lack of trust is draining me.
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Is she willing to go to therapy to help with her insecurities? Because while yes, it’s not a great footing to start off on by cheating, it sounds like she would be like this regardless. If she won’t get help for her anxiety and jealousy, then I’d end things.
You don’t have her trust because you’ve shown yourself to be untrustworthy, unfortunately. And she doesn’t seem to have the skills to deal with that in a constructive way.
Have you asked her what it would take to earn her trust?
She may be insecure because of the way your relationship started; because a person who cheats on a spouse, separated or not, often cheats again. I’m not saying that’s the case with you, but this is probably the source of some of her anxiety. I don’t think it’s all of it, or even the major part of it. She sounds like she could benefit from some therapy And perhaps you and she might benefit from some couples therapy.
I guess I don’t understand why you are the one who has done something wrong, in her eyes, instead of both of you? You both decided to sleep together, knowing you had a girlfriend. She is not innocent in this.
Regardless, I think couples therapy is the only real option to try to see if this is something you can move past. I don’t see you two working through this on your own, she admits shes had similar issues previously so this isn’t totally about you, so therapy for her could also be helpful. Wether or not you stay together.