I am a guy who likes to plan ahead in life. About career, life choices, relationship, everything.
Career wise, I’m doing good. Stable, surviving, saving up. I’m not a fan of buying material things, but I do like to invest in stocks, cryto, trying trading, you get the idea.
I don’t usually spend money on things, but when I do, i have planned it for weeks.
I treated her like I wanted myself to be treated.
Didn’t cheat, no vices, no addictions, nothing. Maybe the one problem i can see is sometimes I work late. Sometimes, I can’t hangout with her because of work. Maybe once or twice a week, sometimes, none actually.
After 10yrs of building myself and the relationship, she suddenly grew cold. She said she doesn’t love me anymore. Not the way you think. She said that she don’t feel anything towards me anymore. No spark. Unlike the early stages, she has a big crush on me, talks to me constantly, make efforts on anniversaries, etc. But now, she’s not the same because she said that the fire is gone.
She described me as “the” ideal guy, a walking green flag.
But she said she wants me to be more spontaneous, more assertive, more impulsive, more in charge.
On my side, I was saving up for our life in the future, didn’t want her to feel chained, constricted with our relationship, I let her do the things she wanted. As long as she is happy.
She waited for 10 yrs for me to step up. Step up, like propose, take-risks, buy houses, have children, etc. But I’m stepping up the way she finds boring.
She wanted me to be with her in the end, but she said it’s unfair for me to be in a relationship where I don’t get anything in return.
I think she wanted me because I’m good for her, but not the one she’s excited for anymore. She wanted to bring her old feeling back towards me, but when she forces herself to do that, the more the feelings fade.
So she let me go. I understand her reason. The problem is, I still wanted her to be the one.
Is the fire going out part of a long relationship, or is it because of my boringness?
TLDR: She broke up with me because I am boring and the sparks faded after 10 yrs. Is it just part of the long relationship, or did the spark died because i am boring?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Kinda glad it fell apart now. Better late than 30s or 40s late.
You never talked about buying a house, having kids, getting married?
You say you’re saving for the future but when does that life begin?
I dunno, I can see her point from this post. Sure, strong and stable, but life needs spark. You had a long time to progress the relationship and did not. I get the feeling you were waiting for her next performance review to promote her to engaged. And possibly wearing socks to give her a predetermined rhythm pumping, slow and steady.
I mean, you started dating at 18, people change a lot from 18 to 28. Sounds to me like the relationship just ran its course, you’re no longer the best people for each other. It sucks, but it’s not that uncommon.
You gotta just be who you are, and you want someone you love for them and they love for who you are. Someone else would probably prefer the more pragmatic approach to life.
Sorry it happened, but it’s probably best to accept things and move forward.
Fire going out is sadly how a lot of relationships die.. The question is, is there any way to reignite it. I don’t think she’s asking for anything too wild. Just more trips together, roses on the bed in the hotel (just ask the hotel), something special written on the desert at Ruth’s Chris.. A hand written love letter. Telling her how beautiful and amazing she is, call her pet names. If sex could’ve been more exciting, dm me and I’ll explain exciting sex to you.
If you really wanna try and win her love back, maybe tell her “I’m not expecting any particular outcome, just let me try and connect with you on a more exciting level. Whenever you get bored of our dates, you can call it the end. Please, give me a chance. I realize now how I’ve been prioritizing my career too much, prioritizing our future house.. But that you understand now how important it is to regularly feed the relationship with special moments.”
That kinda thing. It’s sad to think that the relationship failed because you were being too effective at future planning. Lol. Good thing is that you’re a catch and will find another girl easily.
Sorry about the break up. I am sure you will find someone match your lifestyle and values better. Sometimes people you date in your late teens might not be a good match because people grow apart. Here are some of my thoughts:
“I don’t usually spend money on things” — > probably don’t want to take your loved one on dates, buy your loved one flowers, showing some warm gestures, you probably don’t want to spend money on movies, restaurants, travels…etc.. This reminded of my father who always wants save money and barely spends his money. He has a good career and earns good money, but everything for him needs to be practical. It’s tough for my mom. My mom also described my dad as “boring.”
“After 10yrs of building myself and the relationship, she suddenly grew cold. “–> I am sure there are many signs…but you missed it. probably whenever she tries to communicate with you, you didn’t take it seriously.
“But she said she wants me to be more spontaneous, more assertive, more impulsive, more in charge.” –> It sounds like she is outgoing, she is motivated, she is driven, she probably likes travel, like to go outside, like to try new food, but you don’t. You two are just different people. She is not happy in the relationship ,and I don’t think you are. let her go is to free youself.
The way you wrote about this, I just saw my father. He is a good man. He is super career-driven, works very hard, but he is too frugal; he saves every penny he earns;But he doesn’t know how to enjoy the life; he doesn’t know how to make a woman feel that she is valued, she is wanted, her needs need to be heard.
There’s a big difference between “I’m bored” and “you’re boring.” This kind of sounds like she had a case of the former, but she may have articulated it as the latter.
At the end of the day, she doesn’t want to be with you anymore. Let her go. Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. When you’re with the right person, they won’t find you boring.
you didnt listen to your girl simple as that. you took your way of living as also the best way your girl should live with you. You invested stocks, crypto, cash for your imaginary ideal future, but didnt invest that in the present with your girl. Present is everything thats what shapes your future.
So you’ve been together for 10 years and you’re long distance? I think that’s the biggest issue, unless it’s a 6 month work thing I really can’t see how long term long distance can work
Dated from 18-28 and couldn’t propose by then? I’d get bored of waiting for a ring that long tbh. It would be one thing if you started dating at 14, but you’re both in your late 20’s. You took too long to propose and the train has left the station. It’s not coming back. Her biological clock is ticking and she doesn’t have time for this; you ran out your clock.
Couples counseling?
This is gonna hurt but I’ll tell it to you as straight as possible…
It’s a bummer dude. If the woman leaves, it’s over. I think if a couple has kids, there’s a reason the woman could come back, but you don’t have kids so if she comes back that just means it didn’t work out with the other guy/guys.
You said she’s been telling you for years, so that was your chance. Not every lesson can be learned until it’s too late.
Time to “GitGud” haha sorry couldn’t resist, but yeah honestly the only thing to do at this point is try to learn for the next time and keep being a better person every day from here on out. Tis life.
Your basically the muppets a christmas carol, scrooge. All he did was to make more money and he wouldnt hang out with his wife wifhout more money or get a house wirhout more money. And all she wanted was for him to pay attention to her. Like take her out on dates and be passionate and just do stuff, get married. So she left him and he was sad and angy cus he did like her but his prioritiy was money and not love.
you are romanticizing yourself when you shouldn’t be. she didn’t break up with you because you were a boring saver, she broke up with you because she waited ten years for you to progress the relationship and you never did. she broke up with you because she wanted to start her life and have children, and you weren’t doing that. you didn’t care enough and have enough passion to want to have a life together with her. how you talk is also very manipulative, so i’m sure that didn’t help either.
I think it’s not because you are boring but because she feels unwanted. You have been together for 10 years without bigger relationship steps like proposing, getting married, having kids. And beside that it sounds like you stopped putting in the effort, taking her for granted. There is no problem in working late occasionally but if you also don’t plan dates/thoughtful gifts/romantic acts, I can understand her feelings faded and she no longer wants to be with you.
I’m really sorry bro. That sounds like a painful experience 🙁
Honestly 10 years is a long time to get prepared to get married, have children, etc. When were you going to start those things? You can’t shy away from risks and keep saving up forever or you’ll never live your life.
If you inspired to change, maybe there’s still a chance with her? If you’re not inspired to change she probably isn’t right for you.
You guys got together young, you’re still young. And so many women in this world would love a career oriented man who’s smart with money. Trust me, women are craving that right now. You’ll get through this either way ❤️
You’re dating someone with unhealed trauma. Girls like her are looking for excitement, and usually what that means is dysfunction that they’re comfortable with.
Don’t worry about changing yourself, find someone who craves the stability you offer
Hang in there, man
Sounds like she wants a bad boy or sum rich athlete but 10yrs is pretty long though. Just move on & find someone that’s fundamentally compatible but take a break & focus on yourself first.
Oh, this is one of these “the divorce came out of the blue” moments, except you two never married. 10 years my guy. Ten years.
The issue isn’t that you’re boring, it’s a matter of understanding women, especially that one. She gave you her entire youth, the peak of her attractiveness and fertility and even after 10 years there’s no ring on her finger and no baby on the way. She gave you wifey privileges for 10 years without getting the benefits if actual being married, such as legal, and financial protection. You say it’s cause you wanted it to be perfect. But it seems you didn’t consider how she feels, if everyone keeps asking: “are you still with OP? Nice! Wait, your still not married? Uh oh”. People likely told her “if he wanted to, he would” and “shit or get off the pot”- and they are right. You loved her, and yet took her time for granted. Most would have left you after 3 or 5 years already if you don’t even make her your fiance at that point.
Next you say your stable, save money etc. Those are very good qualities. However, some money needs to be spent to keep romance alive. A little necklace here, going to a museum, going for a nice dinner, sons flowers or her favorite cookies. It shows love and care. Doesn’t have to cost a fortune.
I’m guessing she dropped hints of how she feels or said what she needs from you for years, but it never happened. Leaving takes most women very long, it’s rarely sudden.
I sorry that you missed this opportunity in life. It might be a longterm regret. I would advise reading good books about relationships and marriage to learn what partners usually need from you. That is planning and investment in its own way, too.
It’s tough to reconcile this person was closest to you and her view of your vs its only one person opinion. Someone else may even find you exciting. Perspective.
You are young you have one thing some people never get a — a long relationship and the knowledge obtained from it. These learning will be VERY attractive to the right person just take time and take the positives of it.
Relationship at that age rarely work in the long term so it won’t be the case for the next one you find.
My husband and I met when I was 18, and I’m about to turn 28. In that same amount of time that you’ve had, he’s proposed, we had our dream wedding, we’ve traveled extensively, we’ve advanced our careers, we got a house, and we started family planning. Expecting your girlfriend to stick around for a decade or more with NONE of those things is actually insane, quite frankly. Women don’t have time fertility wise for your timeline of doing things. I’m shocked she stuck it out this long, I would have dumped you 9 years ago.