I used to be that person who could walk in the room and make friends. Now, I wasn’t “the most interesting person in the room” or the life of a party, but I was very outgoing, social, and was always connecting with other people. Every time I’d go out 9 times out of 10 I’d bump into someone I’d met from before.
Then, I graduated highschool, joined the military, and got married at a fairly young age (20).
Now married, my significant other wouldn’t like me going out with friends, or drinking, so forget about going out for a drink with friends. I happened to have just as many female friends as I have male friends, if not more. So Everytime I messaged an old friend she’d be snooping to see what were we talking about. And it got to the point where she’d get into my Facebook and delete my female friends. She’d go into my phone and message female friends saying “this is his wife, please stop talking to a married man”. All of a sudden I had no more friends.
We’re on our 8th year of marriage (we have a 7 and a 1 year old now), and I encouraged her to go back to school and finish a degree she always wanted. So I’m now working a full-time job in the day, and a part-time in the evening while she goes to school part-time and also works at a bank no more than 20 hours/week.
She’s now glued to her phone, getting jumpy if I got near her. Our intimacy was non-existent. So I got curious and checked our phone statements, that’s where I noticed hundreds of messages to an unknown number. I snuck into her phone and nothing, the number was not even in her contracts.
She had clearly deleted calls and messages from that number. But not her browsing history. Searches like “how to keep an affair secret”, “what to do after an affair”, “should I leave my husband?”
My stomach dropped. My chest felt like it caved in. I felt like fainting and seeing black. The woman who controlled my life out of jealousy is cheating on me…
I found out who he was. He owned a bakery in the same shopping center where she worked. She even took me to that bakery a couple times! I confronted her about it, she denied it. Eventually she admitted it. I wanted out. I didn’t want to be with her anymore, but for the sake of our kids, I decided to try to make this marriage work.
We stayed together. Fast forward 9 and a half years now, we have a third child (he’s almost 7). But I haven’t been the same since.
I’ll be honest, I’ve cheated too since then. I never had and never even thought about cheating on her before. But after what happened, something inside me broke. I don’t feel whole anymore. I feel like a piece of me is permanently missing.
Now, every small disagreement with her feels like it touches that old wound. We are intimate maybe 3-4 times a month, and that leaves me feeling unsatisfied. Her constant rejection to me trying to start intimacy and her lack of initiative towards it makes me feel unwanted.
Things that tick me off, even if simple, make me want to explode at times. For example, she hates the dog being in the house all the time, so she takes the dog out in the backyard and leaves her out for hours. She’s obsessed with everything being perfectly clean, and we have 3 boys running around. She gets irritated when the kids seek her attention and constantly tells them to go watch TV or play in their room upstairs. She doesn’t want them downstairs because they make a mess, unless it is to eat.
I think about divorce constantly. But I freeze every time because of the kids. I think: “What if things get better?” “What if I just wait until our youngest is older?” But I realize that’s like 10 years away. Can I live like this for another 10 years?
I’m tired. Sometimes I feel like I’m just existing.
This isn’t a cry for sympathy. I just need to say it out loud. Or write it out, at least. Maybe someone out there has felt like this too. Maybe someone knows how to handle this. I just needed to get this off my chest.
Thanks for reading.
Comments
sometimes it’s better to leave, even if it’s the hardest choice
Studies show that two happy single parents are healthier for children than a married couple who are unhappy. Children need a good role model of what love is, first and foremost. Get divorced.
If you know in your heart that you will never get over it, and that you and her will never be happy and always fighting, and if you’re both cheating….i mean, at what point is staying with her worth it? The kids will move on. Divorces happen all the time. I won’t give you advice on what you should do but for me, if I never got over it, if I ended up cheating, if we are always fighting…..I would just wanna move far away. Get away from it all. With kids, you wouldn’t have to move far away tho.
But here’s the thing….youre either never gonna be happy again with her, or you could move on…go through some divorce pain…and then one day wake up a few years from now happier than ever that you finally left someone who didn’t love you anymore. There are no other options the way I see it otherwise you’d be ok with everything by this point.
Good luck, friend. Sorry you’re in this situation. I know it’s not easy. But have some self-respect. There’s somebody out there who doesn’t know it yet but is going to be the luckiest woman in the world because you moved on and ended up with them instead, should you still want a new love after all of this.
Regards 🙂
As a child who grew up with married parents who were constantly unhappy, didnt address their feelings, and projected anger and resentment to everyone around them, divorce. Even if you dont, i guarantee you your oldest is living in fear of that eventuality. Every time my parents yelled or argued or called each other names, panic set in. Fear of them divorcing. If they just did it it wouldve saved me so much stress. Be happy. Find happiness without your wife and it will reward your children
So make a choice.
Make peace with this for the next decade or divorce. The final path is clear and distinct.
You can also sit and talk with her and say, look we have kids let’s work this out til they’re gone, you do you and imma do me. United for the kids and doing your thing when they’re gone.
I’ll tell you now- I had parents in this exact situation. I’m the youngest and have never known a world when my parents didn’t cheat on each other and us not know.
(YOUR KIDS KNOW SOMETHING IS HAPPENING)
They may not know the full extent but there are subtle and subconscious signs of distrust. The way you move around your partner. The can sense deep down your not happy. 100% they would be better off with a father who is happy and single vs. a toxic marriage. Stop sleeping with her, make a plan and make you and your kids life better. Hugs OP.
She does not sound like a nice or fun person. I have been in a similar situation myself and even though it was hard. It was the best decision I ever made.
Kudos to you for putting your children first. But you’re risking screwing up your children as well. They need to see a healthy man, and a healthy man would never support a woman who has so blatantly and boldly disrespected him. Its already tearing you apart inside. Would you rather be at peace with self or the world? One will suffer for the other.
Lesson learned. If she cheats, she wasn’t faithful to you in the beginning. She settled for you until another guy made her “feel good”. You’re afraid of not finding another woman after leaving your previous partner. I know you don’t want advice and just venting a bit, but I think it’s best to just be single and focus on finding your peace before jumping into another relationship. That way, you can have a clearer mind and be a better person than how you started.
Edit: I didn’t know you had children with her. Damn, that really sucks. What can you do when someone is willing to break your family apart for a stranger?
Sounds like you’re both a couple of cheaters. Might as well stay together, you’re perfect for each other.
i was super young when my parents started to have big fights and issues in their relationship. idk the age but i remember i was in the 2nd grade when it started and it felt like i was the problem because both were always so mad but they were frustrated and kind of taking it out towards me and my sibling. it changed the mood for everyone so much we felt the drift while being so young and it affected us more the 2 years they stayed together but it got a lot better like a lot better after they split up. both were happier and it made us happier sad it couldn’t work out but it felt a lot like we were the issue while they were frustrated and hated each other. do everyone a favor and get the divorce
You’re teaching your boys to settle for a woman who doesn’t want to be with them.
I assume she doesn’t know you cheated back. I also assume it didn’t make you feel any better either. You two are sadly married but two worlds apart. Time to sit down and have an honest convo if it’s worth pushing forward or if there is even a way to reconnect.
Things will not get better. It is better for your children to have happy, thriving, divorced parents than live in a married hell.
Been there…I stuck it out for my kids, too, waiting for over 20 years for her to turn around and treat me like a husband, which never came. Your kids are affected; they see you and her. You, sadly, try to keep your broken family together, and she says, “I just want to live my life”. I hate to tell you, she doesn’t care about you. She only wants the support you provide so she can live HER life. Get a vasectomy ASAP, and remember she has put you in a box to keep you there. She is mentally abusing you, making you feel worthless for her own gains. Sadly, your marriage ended long ago. You are not the problem, and you should start separating your finances if you haven’t already. I ended up getting divorced and remarried, happy with my second wife. My first wife is now living in a trailer in the middle of nowhere, fucking the landowner for rent. You are not the problem; you are allowed to be happy.
I think you both need to go to therapy
My mom delayed leaving my dad for years and years. I was so relieved when she finally did, because there would be so much less tension in the house (among other things). Your boys most likely feel the tension in the house.
you can change your mind
The kids will love you and, hopefully, her whether you are together or not. Sometimes things dont work out. You are still your own person. We’d sacrifice a lot for our children, but they know when youre both unhappy.
Im not gonna tell you what to do with your relationship, but Id tell you what I’d do, and it wouldn’t be continuing to be with this woman.
staying for the kids is bullshit. all you’re doing is modeling a horrible relationship for them. you should’ve left before, the second best time is now.
A lot of ppl I know have “opened” their relationship and it’s worked for them. But they also go to counseling to work out the details like we are a support system and shouldn’t expect intimacy if the romantic route opens up as a possibility again they renegotiate. Y’all have been together since 20, life changes. Just being aware of your feelings and trying to do what’s best for the kids is a healthy step. Wishing you find something to spark the passion again.
Something that helped me in a relationship that wasn’t working but we wanted to support each other was focusing on my goals (while distancing myself from building future goal with that person), tending to my needs through activities—friendships—family relationships that I had neglected just from being busy. Navigate the emotions as they arise and focus on doing a few things a week with your kids or friends that bring you out of isolation. You got this 🎉 easier said than done but that indifference to moving forward and feeling stuck is a saddening state to stay in for long.
Your kids will benefit more from who happy divorced parents than two married unhappy parents. You deserve to find happiness in your own terms and this isn’t going to happen while you’re in this marriage. I hope everything works out well for you 🙏
I left with my son and it was the best decision for both of us.
Leave. But take at least six months to plan and execute it
Nah, you just want to opt out of parenting. You want her to take over the majority of care gor your kids so you can have fun. Toddlers are only fun for an hour.
Being in a toxic relationship does nothing for the children, the best thing you can do for your kids is leave, but stay an active father to the children that you clearly love.
Most men that are adulterers keep everything a secret like affairs etc. Once there 18 they leave there wife I guess it is because the child support. As a woman she probably secured 10 more years of security from you. Woman are always head of men and everything they do is calculated, they live with no regrets.
Ya know, it’s ok to leave.
You did the best you could, and if you aren’t happy you can leave.
You tried to lock someone down at 20 years old? This is on you, lol. Any marriage before 30 is most likely only your first marriage. My sympathy, you do not have.
Interesting read. Some women are so insufferable u wonder how tf do their husbands pull it off. The answer is they battle divorce thoughts for years until it’s almost too late 🥲
Please leave. You ARE screwing up your children’s entire love lives by staying. Please listen to all the commenters.
Signed, a person who grew up in such a household and suffered in love for many years.
A Catholic priest once gave me some advice. A healthy divorce is better than an unhealthy marriage.
She sounds like an awful person from the outside looking in brother
You get one life and this is how you choose to live it? Idk man, what would you tell your son if he came to you and said what you wrote above?
You can still choose your own happiness while being there and a good father to your sons. But this is now their example of a marriage.
Staying for the kids isn’t the move you think it is. Kids are really clever at picking up on those kinds of things. As much as it would suck initially, separating and being happy is much better than together with an air of animosity and resentment.
My parents split when I was young. The second they were no longer together, I could feel it. They were different, cagey, and uncomfortable all the time. I heard them talking one night, and then, for the rest of the time they were together, they were miserable. It really affected me because it suddenly felt wrong to enjoy things while they were so obviously in pain. Then, when they realised they couldn’t do it for “the kid” anymore, they blew up into the most violent 6 months I’d seen from them. They were physically abusive and argued constantly. The sound of my dads car pulling into the driveway was like seeing Freddy Krueger in a dream.
Once they were actually apart, I felt like I could breathe. My parents were normal now, and I could actually start to bond with the people, not the hollow shells they were trying to portray to “stay strong for me”
I’m not saying this as a critique of you, your children, or their mother. I just want to give you insight into my personal experience that might relate to how your children feel. I think they would be happier with the real you and not this unconfident version your wife has built up over your relationship. If they ever saw the real you, then they probably can tell you aren’t whole right now, which might be hurting more than the separation would. Yeah, it’s immediate, and it sucks but everyone will be better at the end. Cut off the hand before it strangles you, brother.
I cannot relate, but I did read, and i do feel for you homie. Keep your head up, staying in a situation that is detrimental to yourself but healthy for the kids is incredibly noble and I respect it.
Crazy how many cheaters are of the ultra-controlling type out of fear of “being cheated on”. Such a blatant projection
I stayed for a year after.
Impossible.
Good luck with your healing.
I’m doing great now!
Im sorry youre going through this Op. But I will never fully understand the mindset that its better to stay unhappy for your kids over leaving.
Think about it this way – you stay married, and your boys are going to grow up thinking your unhealthy and unhappy relationship is the normal, the standard. They are going to think that living like this is okay, and will likely settle for living this way themselves. Now its not guaranteed ofc, but kids who dont know what a healthy and good relationship looks like usually wont know how to seek it out. What would you say to your son if he got in to a relationship similar to yours? Id imagine youd advise him to leave, to focus on his happiness and not stay in a place where he’s miserable. I hope you can be a little selfish and find the courage to leave her. Your sons deserve to see their father happy
I was the kid in this situation and the biggest fuck up i see here is not leaving ASAP.
Toddlers adapt well. Children get scarred. The longer you hold out the worse it gets
Staying together for the kids. Betraying your own values and cheating. Why stay together? Everyone seems to be losing in this scenario.
Please leave dude, this relationship with her is actually hurting your kids
The way I see it is divorce her for the sake of the kids!!!!
Give those kids another home where they don’t have to deal with their mother or worry about making a mess in the house that obsessively. Also that dog please save it!
Honestly people worry too much about this kids thing. I wish my parent had separated.
The kids will be fine. You might actually discover a better relationship to them and again you can give them a space to go to where they can be themselves with you, if you decide to share custody of course you can have the kids half of the time. DO IT
Things that doesn’t make sense in your text:
Getting married at 20
“Forget about drinking” – you care about alcohol?
When your wife started responding to your female friends, you got to a place where you had no friends (where did the guys go? wtf? you also are in military. wtf?)
You don’t like her. You are resenting her. But at the same time you care about intimacy? Wtf? Why would you want to sleep with someone you actually don’t like? Like you are expecting a “prize” for the suffering you are causing to yourself and the “prize” makes you even more resentful. Do you even see yourself from other peoples perspective?
Seems like you need therapy. Like, at least 1-2 years of therapy. You don’t know youself, you don’t understand yourself and in the process everyone around you suffers. Especially your children.
Is the third kid yours? Paternity test?
It’ll never be the same as it once was. This is what it is now man. Been there done that. Live with this over your head for the rest of your life or get some sanity and dignity back
I wish my parents divorced, if this helps you at all.
The best time to divorce was when you found out, the second best time is now!
Don’t waste anymore precious time. Just rip the bandaid off now, before you get any older.
Divorces are expensive because they’re worth it dawg. I went through a similar situation, and tried to stick it out. It’s not worth trying to change them or you, and eventually the only changes anyone goes thru are negative. End it and start being yourself again, be happy again.
You need to get out, you need to be away from her.
Go get paternity tests for the current kids homie
My parents divorced when I was 7. Looking back now, I’m so glad they split when I was young instead of pretending to be in a happy marriage and then waiting until I was older.
Please do what you feel is best for yourself. As long as you are a good parent, you’ll kids will understand later.
Well it doesnt sound like shes enjoying all of life either. Same as you. Thing is…is this good enough vs being single? If not? Heck even if it is. Sit down and chat about how to make both of you happier. maybe go on walks, take all the kids to the pool. Something.
Cause it sounds like something needs to change. That doesnt always mean something needs to change for the worse.
Dude, leave. This is no way to live. Some of the things people put up with to stay in relationships or marriages are crazy. You will both be better off in the long run.
I feel you OP. Had multiple chances to cheat on my ex and never did and my loyalty was rewarded with treachery. Nice guys finish last, now its time for your villain arc to begin. Sell some dreams and destroy some egos if you have to.
Reading your post has brought back memories of more than 50+ years ago, and it saddened me.
My ex-wife and I were 16 & 17, high-school sweethearts and first everything. We got pregnant and married at 19 & 20. In our 12th year of marriage with 2 children, she had an affair with her married coworker. The OBS called me to let me know. I was devastated that she could do that to me and our children. We did not reconcile. I couldn’t get past it. He ended up dumping her in a violent manner in front of my kids. This almost resulted in violence between us, but he backed down. I am very fortunate that he did because of the consequences.
Three years after D-day, I met, fell in love, and married the love of my life, and we’ve been married for 39 wonderful years and counting. We had more children to bring into our blended family. My ex-wife and I, along with my wife, whom my children love, co-parented successfully, creating two loving and happy homes for our children. They are all adults now, my first 2 now in their 50s. All of our children have successful careers and marriages and raise children of their own. We have grown grandchildren. We even have great-grandchildren now. I guess I can say that I didn’t waste any years trying to make that first marriage work. I know it wouldn’t have worked. We are healthy, life has been fantastic, and our adventures continue.
When I see a very young couple, like us, marrying in their teens and early 20s, I’m always happy for marriage, but sad that I know that unhappy outcome that most like will happen. Like having a crystal ball to seeing their future.
There are quite a few that make it and can speak to their history together in marriage. But I believe there are many more with regret, like you, for staying. Ten more years can be long and more wasted years. Oh, your wife shows signs that she’s also unhappy and both you and your children can sense that.
https://www.chumplady.com/
Why are you subjecting your kids and pet to the same rejection you get? She’s rejecting you, your kids and your dog. What’s the point in being with her?
How far along are you into the divorce thing? Have you ever brought it up with her? That you are thinking about divorce? I mean, what’s she going to do? Divorce you?
All regret thoughts include a what if comment.
…
I feel for you op. The person you trusted the most betrayed and humiliated you, and because you didn’t leave you parted from your own moral compass and did the same thing she did. Whilst I can understand this, I don’t think you have the right to complain about what she did to you; given the opportunity, you’ve done the same thing. Given the opportunity to walk away, you choose to stay, and indulge in adultery.
I can tell you with absolute certainty that this isn’t getting better. Might be time to step out mate, and take the kids with you.
Thank you for sharing your story, OP. Maybe it will help someone in a similar situation find the strength to leave.
Hear me when I say. My life would have been so much easier if my parents divorced when I was young. They stayed together until my brother and I were late college age. For my mom it was for the kids, for my dad it was all about money. Regardless, no kid is better off staying in a home with two parents with an unhealthy relationship. It really made a negative impact on me living with them through their turmoil. My parents did eventually divorce. Sure statistics will come up surrounding negative trends for children with split parents but those same stats are similar for parents that fight and don’t love each other. If you want what is best and healthiest for your kids do what is best and healthiest for you. You will show up as a better parent for it and save your children the needless exposure to their parent’s problems.
The things people do to themselves instead of starting over is wild
Its not too late but one day it will be
Leave and provide a space where you can be at peace and start the road to recovery because this heartbreak will never go away and you’ll never stop feeling this way if your around her.
Get a space for yourself and dog so that it’s not left out for hours, a space where the boys can be boys.
I think though we are flawed as people and though not everyone is perfect, there are just some people out here that don’t deserve a second chance and you be freidn are in the situation I believe.
It’s gotten toxic already, get out before the toxicity spreads and starts affecting the things that truely matter now.
I wish you all the best and all the love and hope that both of you are able to leach a sound resolution that allows you to have a somewhat amicable relationship with each other and with the kids also.
Only my opinion though xoxo
Once trust is gone so is the marriage!
Another AI story. Yawn.
Your kids noticw bro:( dont let them think its okay to be unhappy in a marriage
My parents stayed together “for the kids”. I don’t even know for sure who was at fault but I despise my dad. When I was in high school he eventually went to work 2 states away and I only saw him a few times a year; eventually that changed to “I’ll see you soon”. I gave up when one year he didn’t recognize me. :/
I have not seen him since and he was wasn’t invited to my wedding. Don’t do it for the kids, eventually they find out how weak their parents are.
> Can I live like this for another 10 years?
It’s fairly obvious that you can’t and realistically, this is the only reason that you have stayed in this place.
So if the answer is No, then it’s time to make the move. It’ll be hard but will it be any harder than living this life and having your kids grow up in an environment where their parents loath each other?
>”What if things get better?”
Things haven’t gotten better. They will never get better. You just need to convince yourself of that.
I’ve never understood why you’d continue a relationship who makes your life worse.
As for now…do you really think this is better for the kids? Would they be better off with two parents who are miserable together, or at least one parent who actually enjoys life?
If you want to do something for the kids, fucking leave. You both are angry, you are both unhappy, maybe her clean freka shit is just how she expresses being unhappy, who knows. But there is no way your kids don’t get the vibe, and if/when your cheating is uncovered, or hers is if she cheats again, then even though you both kinda want out, you’ll still be angry because of hte promises made.
So sure, your kids are young… but so what. Are you going to never see your kids when they hit 18? If the youngest hits 18, you serve her divorce papers, she’s so angry at you for giving up after all this time that you can never be in the same room together, now while your kids are adults, they are still your kids. So now they split birthdays, and xmas’s, etc, apart. Now chances are you’ll split that shit for a while but 5-10 years downt he line maybe you have a good coparenting relationship, maybe you and your new wife and her and her new husband go out for meals with all the kids at holidays.
If you stay and just grow and grow that resentment while also being completely unhappy, you’re throwing your life away for a few years magically thinking your kids will be fine, but the rest of your lives will also suck. Also in reality so what, you split the kids 50/50, so one week you get some time to yourself, find a relationship, find friends, do hobbies, all things you’ll want once the kids move out anyway, and the other time you can focus on your kids without an angry wife you resent being around, you can do what you want, you can not deal with the clean freak shit, you can take your kids bowling or do whatever you want.
Most of the time divorce is the right option and the best option for a future where you, your kids and her can all be in teh same room for the 50 years after they move out.
I Know I regret it