“She has enough books!”

Did your parents not buy you age appropriate books?

I grew up completely isolated, was not allowed to leave the flat or to play with other children, we had no television, I only had my books. I had no people to talk to, to ask questions.

Most of the books I had were for age 0 to 6 years old.

I had a picture book with pictures of animals. Like there was a lion and next to it the word “lion”.

I had a picture book for things, like there was a picture of several clothes and what they are called.

Then I had 4 books that were called things like “I am the little duckling.”, You can guess for which age group they were, two year olds. When I wanted to read novels when I was 9 years old my mom said “You have novels. “I am the little duckling”, “I am the little cat”, go read those.” Err I am NINE YEARS OLD?! But I still read them because I had nothing else.

Then I had a few books with actual knowledge, like where does wool come from. But it was also for small children, maybe 6 to 8 year olds.

I had to read these books thousands of times because I had nothing else.

Then, everytime I wanted a new book and my mom wanted to buy me one, my ndad said: “She has enough books!”

Once I got a book about horses from my mom and then one about ladybugs because I loved horses and ladybugs so much.

If I remember correctly I even got scolded by my ndad when I would not read the baby books anymore because they were not interesting anymore. “I paid money for this! I am not buying you new books, you will stop reading them too!”

In the beginning my mom still bought me books, even when my dad did not allow it. She got me the Heartland novels for my 12th birthday. I got 2 of the books. And then I got 3 of the books for my 13th birthday. These were the only novels I ever got. All the other books were knowledge books, but for small children.

But then she suddenly stopped because “Dad says you have enough books.”

So I have knowledge books for small children, where I could learn that the milk comes from the cows and things like that. But I wanted more knowledge books, appropriate for my age. But I never got any. My ndad insisted, the books for toddlers are enough books, it did not matter, that I was 8, 10, 12, 14, 16, 18 years old.

I wonder if he wanted to keep me deprived of knowledge on purpose. I still dont know many things 12 year olds know, because I was never taught. Almost all my books were about animals. I had only one that was about what things are made of (glass, paper, iron, things like that) but it did not contain much information and only one books about vehicles.

My parents never taught me anything about “how to adult”, about life after school, college, work, money, how to clean, wash clothes, cook, how to get a drivers license, how to brush my teeth and so much more. I was also never allowed to socialize so I dont know how to socialize.

I got increasingly nervous in my teenage years because I did know nothing about life and nothing about jobs, I did not even know what jobs exist and the few I knew (doctor, dentist, police officer, teacher, baker) I did not know what the people actually did in these jobs. My mom told me to get an office job but refused to tell me what office jobs there are and how to get an office job, what education I need for it and also she did not make it possible for me to get this information myself.

Every time I asked my mom about my future, about what to do after school, about jobs and other things she always just said things like “I am busy.”, “Later, I dont have time right now.” and “You will know when you are older.” She NEVER had time, she was a housewife with no job and only 2 children (I was the youngest), how did she not have time?

“You will know when you are older.” This was the worst sentence because I believed it until I was 26 years old, because I waited for the knowledge because she told me I will just know, and when I got older and said something she just said “You dont have experience yet.”

I mean what was I supposed to believe when I ask about how finances work when I am 16 and 17 she just says “You will know when you are older.” It sounds stupid but I was confused when i did not know more things at 18 than when I was 17. I am really ashamed because of this haha.

And then: “I dont know anything about college or jobs.” (She went to college!) But why did she just make me wait all these years instead of immediately telling me she does not know so I know I am on my own. And why did she make me believe I will just know when I am older? And why did she not just get me books about the topic or get information and then explain it to me?

My ndad did not teach me anything at all and my mom taught me only a few things but nothing about how to be independent. I was not even allowed to go to the playground alone when I was 16!