I (25M) was with my ex (23F) for a little over a year. We broke up about two months ago after a fight that hit harder than anything we’d been through before. Emotions ran high. She said she couldn’t do it anymore and ended it. We didn’t talk for a week.
Then she reached out.
We met up, talked it through, and slowly started reconnecting. We weren’t officially back together, but we were texting daily and seeing each other occasionally. It felt like something was still there, and for a little while, it felt like we were trying again. She was calling me baby sometimes, flirting, giving me just enough hope to believe we could fix it.
The problem was I didn’t handle that time well.
Between that first fight and the moment we started reconnecting, I made a couple of decisions I regret. I downloaded dating apps and I went to talk to her mom. I never used the apps and the conversation with her mom came from a place of love, but those two things hurt her. She saw them as betrayals, even though we weren’t back together at the time and I genuinely thought things were over.
After we reconnected, my focus stayed on getting clarity and trying to make things right. But instead of just letting the good energy build, I started pressing. I needed answers. I needed reassurance. I kept asking her where we stood, why she was distant sometimes, what we were doing. And the more I tried to hold it together, the more it seemed to fall apart.
Her energy got hot and cold. Some days she was affectionate. Other days she was distant. We talked daily for a while, but it started to weigh on both of us.
A little over a week ago, I felt her pulling away again, so I stepped back. We didn’t talk for 9 days. I reached out after that just to check in. She responded and told me she hadn’t really been thinking about me. Said maybe it’s because she’s been so busy. She said she still has love for me but that she’s not ready to be back in it and doesn’t know if she ever will be. She said having the same conversations again and again was too much and that it wore her out.
I sent one final message. I didn’t try to fix it or convince her. I just told her I love her, that I understand, and that I want her to find peace — even if it’s not with me. She didn’t respond.
I haven’t reached out since. I won’t for a while.
But now I’m sitting with all this regret. I don’t think we broke up because of something unforgivable. I think we had something real. But the way I tried to fix things — too emotionally, too often, too soon — might’ve pushed her further away than the fight ever did.
What I keep thinking about is this:
• Even though we weren’t back together, I know the apps and the conversation with her mom cut deep
• I got in my own way by trying too hard to make it work instead of letting it breathe
• I don’t want the last thing we ever say to each other to be the silence that followed my last message
• I worry that if I don’t reach out again, she’ll just forget about me and fully move on — or that I damaged things too much to ever hear from her again
• At the same time, I know I finally need to stop showing up uninvited. She’s not reaching out either
I still love her. I still wish we had the chance to try again with the right energy. But I’m starting to think I ruined that chance completely.
If you’ve been on either side of this, I’d really appreciate any perspective.
Thanks for reading.
TL;DR:
We broke up after a big fight. She reached out a week later and we slowly started reconnecting. I wanted it to work so badly that I ended up overwhelming her by holding on too tightly, asking too much, and trying to fix things emotionally. While we were apart, I downloaded dating apps and talked to her mom — both of which hurt her later, even though we weren’t together at the time. She recently told me she hasn’t been thinking about me, still has love for me, but isn’t ready and doesn’t know if she ever will be. I sent a final message to let her go, and she didn’t respond. I’m in no contact now, but stuck wondering if I pushed her too far to ever come back.
Comments
So, what was the fight/breakup ABOUT, OP? “Emotions ran high”; explain this in terms of the behavior you displayed then.
OP, just reading this account was overbearing and exhausting.
She doesn’t want it. Accept that and move on.
I mean, I get it. You’re 25 and the right age for finding a long term partner. You thought it was her.
It’s not her. Sorry, but move on and find a new person of good character who welcomes your attention.
You need to focus on fixing communication and managing your emotions so you can deal with things in a constructive way. Don’t focus on getting back together with her. Focus on learning from your mistakes and making yourself better.
Start with the fight. What does emotions run high mean? Did you yell? Call her names? What do wish you did differently then? And don’t use this as a tool to wallow in the past. Use this as a way to refocus yourself when emotions get high in a different situation. Recognize what you were thinking and feeling then and use that as a way to ID high emotions and use breathing techniques to calm yourself down for example.
Now. After you reconnected, you mention a lot of I felt or I thought. You never ASKED her. You went to dating apps and her mom. Why did you do that?
And then when you reconnected again, you did what you should have done the first time but to the extreme. You ask ONCE. And let it be. Believe her. Take time to think about what you want and move on if she didn’t want the same thing. Instead you pressured her.
Honestly, you sound like you need help with regulating your emotions. And maybe a little help with good decision making. You cannot change the past. You can change how you respond to situations in the future. This is where I’d start. Emotional regulation. There are books on it. A professional therapist is better if you can swing it but I know many can’t. And they could ID other things you need to consider.
It’s clear you’re spiraling in what ifs. So I don’t know where this falls into things you can work on.
Focus on ONE thing or situation at a time. One behavior of yours you want to change at a time. Doing too much too fast will potentially create more spiraling, negative self thoughts.
Good luck.
Two things
She’s just not that into you. Use this time to heal and maybe work on your confidence. It definitely sounds like you were stuck in a repetitive loop and no one enjoys that. Get on apps. Talk to other girls.
Don’t call someone’s mom. There are only a few very dire situations that justify calling someone’s mom. Just don’t be a weirdo.