So, my husband finally told the in laws over the phone a few days ago. His father was very happy and excited and his mother, all she had to say was, “is this what you wanted?” And when he said yes, she said “congrats” and ended the conversation.
I had called my FIL just to catch up as I haven’t talked to him in months and he brought up how MIL is “throwing everything out of DH’s childhood bedroom and making a nursery.”
Neither my DH nor I asked for this—nor do we want this. It’s especially concerning as my husband still has lots of things in that bedroom that he needs to sort through and the bedroom was to be kept locked by a key that only my FIL had to keep away from MIL (she had a history of snooping and stealing things from his bedroom while we were dating).
I’m also concerned that she automatically thinks that with this “nursery” of hers, that baby is going to be staying over there? That’s a hard no, absolutely not, especially because I’m currently NC with her and very hesitantly planning strict boundaries regarding short visits once LO is here. I will not be letting LO stay anywhere overnight, let alone be alone with anyone except for me and DH. This whole situation of the nursery also prevents me from being able to see what products she’s buying, of they’re safe or not (likely not given things she’s bought for my own cat in the past). I also can very well see her holding this all over my head with “how much money she spent on a nursery and we never let LO stay over and use it”.
I told my husband he needs to nip this immediately, and thankfully he already told FIL it’s a no go. He’s having an in person convo with MIL this weekend as she’s visiting the state he’s currently in for military training school.
Of course she’d do this, she views my baby as a play thing and a doll, an object giving her the chance to play house all over again.
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Other posts from /u/Prudent-Designer7121:
What do I do if she tries to call CPS on me?, 1 day ago
What do you wish you did differently with your first child and your JNMIL?, 1 month ago
I’m pregnant and my in laws don’t know, 1 month ago
Does anyone else have a JNMIL who refuses to say/spell their name right?, 3 months ago
She got the cops called on her, 3 months ago
Now she wants to give me an “explanation”, 7 months ago
This was the last damn straw, I’m done with her, 7 months ago
UPDATE: military JNMIL tries to use manipulative texts to excuse herself from her awful behavior , 8 months ago
She made his graduation about her, 8 months ago
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I think the bigger issue is that she’s going through your husband’s stuff! It’s her house so she can clear a room if she wants, but she needs to give him notice so he can sort through it. Though I’m not sure how fair it is for her to be locked out of a room in her house because your husband is using it as storage when he has another house. Though you said military—does he live in military housing?
For the nursery, I’m glad that your husband is stepping in. But if she ends up doing a nursery, who cares? It keeps her busy and it doesn’t mean you have to use it. Just don’t let her guilt either of you with it. “But I put a nursery in and everything!” “You put that nursery in without talking to us about it. We told you not to. It’s not our fault that you refused to listen.”
If she holds it over your head that LO never comes over to use the nursery, just say “You should’ve asked first to prevent wasting your money. If I build you a padded room with matching straight jacket, would YOU be obligated to use it?”
My JNMIL did up a whole ass nursery at her house and watched LO zero times. The funny thing is she never asked or volunteered to watch LO even once and when my husband asked her one time she huffed and puffed so much he never asked again. Not that I’m complaining bc I’m wasn’t comfortable with her then (and def didn’t trust her watching LO alone). These MILs are batshit crazy.
They do this to get all riled up. It has nothing to do with you. She’s living in delusion. Don’t let it bother you. If and when it ever comes up just say, no thank you! We have a nursery at our home, and we don’t require babysitting!
Group text with MIL, FIL and DH:
”Hey MIL. We heard you’re making a nursery! Please don’t go to the trouble. We’ve already purchased portable safe sleep options for when we are out and about. And I plan on babywearing as much as possible. Thanks anyway, but we are good!”
She can build a useless nursery if she wants 🫣
Not your problem if she wastes money and energy on it, she won’t get to babysit your baby, nursery or not
DH has two concerns but quite honestly you have zero. OP, you can’t stop a mom from cleaning out an unused bedroom. If DH is storing unused stuff there, he’s a married man with family on the way who probably should have moved his stuff to his own place a while ago.
If mom wants a sewing room, an office, or a nursery, it’s still not your business. It’s her house.
What IS your business, now or later, is your very valid feeling that no one takes care of your child overnight but you and DH. That can be stated pleasantly at any time.
MIL and you are NC, so you might not get to communicate that directly. But you can drop it on FIL anytime. DH can mention it if the subject of the room comes up.
Frankly, it doesn’t need to be stated at all. Just . . . don’t drop LO over there for the night! You’re very kind to be considering short, monitored visits.
To the ones who say MIL can build a nursery in her own home- ABSOLUTELY NOT. You know she’ll use her nursery as an excuse to throw a Grandma Shower and solicit baby gifts from family that go to her only.
[removed]
I mean, it’s her house… 🤷🏻
BUT just because she wants to make a nursery it doesn’t mean you HAVE to let her babysit. You’re still the parent. Her making a nursery doesn’t change your power in this situation.
Let her.
My Mom put one together. I never bothered to tell her my babies wouldn’t be occupying it. I figured she’d learn the hard way.
I’ll be honest, I don’t understand why people get bent out of shape if their in-laws build a nursery. Just because they build one, it doesn’t mean you are under any obligation to use it. If they want to waste their money building one, that’s up to them. If your husband wants his stuff, he should go there and collect it and as for the nursery, ignore it.
Let her waste her money on a room that will never get used
OP, don’t be bothered too much by what MIL thinks is going to happen. That is her problem to manage and not yours. Your DH has told FIL it won’t be happening so it is up to him to sort MIL.
If MIL brings it up then say I don’t know where you got that idea from but as the parents, we have no intention of having our child stay overnight with anyone but ourselves.
i don’t think you’re overreacting. the nursery-building seems to happen with justyes mils and justno’s alike but in the context of needing a lock on dh’s bedroom’s door to keep mil from STEALING? it completely changes the situation.
that said, she can’t make you use any of the stuff she buys so this isn’t an actual threat in any way. i honestly think you might want to leap into action re: getting DH’s stuff out of that house. who knows how long she’s had that key – if there’s crucial stuff in that room DH needs to go get it.
your husband needs to go get his stuff. he is a grown adult he doesnt need anything kept at mommy’s house anymore
then tell her “you can build whatever you want but we will not be using it”
Ew, for REAL for real this is borderline psycho and just WEIRD. This woman sounds like a nightmare! I hope your hubs can stand his ground during their upcoming convo. I hear a big ole guilt trip coming. Back off, lady!
My mil also built a nursery and it’s ridiculous. She didn’t buy us anything for the baby (except crappy cheap baby clothes (most of which were to be kept at HER house). Too bad so sad!
This happened to a friend of mine- her MIL created a nursery that was more elaborate and expensive than the one my friend made with her husband. Problem was that my friend was pretty much NC with MIL and hadn’t seen her since their wedding bc MIL had zero interest in anything that wasn’t herself. Somehow she got it in her head that she was going to be basically sharing custody of the baby.
My friend did nothing. Didn’t address it. Her husband told his mother that she had wasted her money making the nursery. The baby was born, the MIL came once to meet her grandchild, and that was basically it. Once she realized she wasn’t going to get to play with the baby she lost interest.
So my advice is to do nothing. Don’t stress. If your MIL wants to waste her money let her. Let your husband deal with it.
“That’s thoughtful of you, MIL [if you’re trying to be nice to her, otherwise omit that part!], but LO won’t be sleeping anywhere except at our home until he/she is old enough to independently operate a phone and call us. They will need to be able to explain whatever is wrong, if something is making them uncomfortable, and tell us they’d like us to come get them.”
There is no reason she should have a nursery OR overnight stays until and unless YOU want her to. I’ve posted before about taking my then five-year-old niece overnight when my sister and BIL were moving into a new home. Having her there would have meant one of them would have had to be looking after her the whole time instead of helping with the movers and last minute stuff. And even then, knowing it would be hugely helpful to them, I still said “I can take her if you want, or I can be here before 8:00 a.m. to pick her up and go do stuff for the day.”
My philosophy rests on the truism “Not my kid; not my call.” Of course, they were thrilled I’d suggested it and agreed enthusiastically (as did my niece, LOL, I am Auntie-Cicadas-who-spoils-her-rotten), and we still FaceTimed with them (I think they missed her more than she missed them, but to be fair, there was ice cream and a pile of stuffed animals she’d never played with at my place; gotta know your audience!).
You want people in your life who will offer to help in appropriate, not-overbearing ways, and not get butt-hurt if you want to look after your kid yourself.
The fact here is she can do whatever nonsense she wants, it does not buy her baby access. If she tries to whine about the money she spent I’d remind her that you never asked her to buy any of that stuff, nor did you want her to and the financial fallout is her own fault. I can see her weaponizing gifts later, telling your LO at Christmas that the cool new toy is for grandma’s house only! It’s not a gift; it’s manipulation with strings attached. Don’t fall for it.
Who cares if she builds a nursery? She is entitled to do whatever she wants in her own home, but You are in no way obligated to use it. If she wants to whine and guilt you about it, grey rock her and do whatever you want anyway.
I have spent my entire life grey rocking, saying nothing, being agreeable, and then doing whatever tf I want anyway. I promise you—this works.
“how much money she spent on a nursery and we never let LO stay over and use it”.
Well, no one asked her in the first place so tough titties grandma.
As I understand, you and your husband do not live in MIL-s house. Then there is absolutely no need to keep a locked bedroom with his things there. He should get out the things he needs and keep them at his home, a storage unit, whatever. MIL has the right to access all rooms in her own house and she can build whatever she wants in any room, she can build a nursery or an observatory or whatever she chooses.
However, this has nothing whatsoever to do with you or your baby or where the baby will be staying. Whatever. Don’t react to it. Husband needs to have your back and absolutely not address this. Just get his things out. He cannot tell his mother what to build in her house either. If you react, this is already giving her the power and giving her the opportunity to make herself a victim — loooook, I built a whole nursery in my house, they woooon’t give me the baaaabyyyy, booooohooooo.
DO NOT let this mess with your pregnancy bubble. Do not involve mil in pregnancy, do not give her any info, updates or anything. Once the baby is born, you can decide, if you want mil to meet them. At one point if/when she brings up having the baby stay overnight with her, respond with: what a singularly odd thing to suggest! Babies stay with their parents.
She will go, but I built a nursery!
You will go, well, what you build in your house is your decision. Where my baby stays is my decision.
Babies ONLY bond with parents for about the first 4-5 months and baby needs to be skin to skin contact with mama as much as possible. If she’s no contact with you, there’s NO WAY she would be getting near my child. Husband needs to let his mother know that a nursery is a waste of time as it will not be utilised, so if she wishes to go ahead, that’s on her and she need not complain when the items sit getting dusty.
DH needs to sort through that room immediately and draw a line under any stuff he wants being kept at his parents.
If his mother wants to meet baby, I would say she needs to accept accountability, apologise and change her behaviour BUT this does not equate to access or means you have to forgive her. You could (if you wanted to) allow a 10 min meet and say nothing and tell husband that you are being extremely gracious by even allowing that.
My DH still sees his mother (rarely) but me and kids are no contact and she hasn’t met one of the kids (toddler)
I found the easiest way to deal with NC (and DH remain in contact) was to just ban the topic of his mother from the house – we don’t talk about her or mention her and it keeps the peace in the house
So why has FIL been letting her have access to this room when the understanding was that only FIL could enter the room after unlocking it with the only key which he held? Is he now enabling her? If so OP needs to have a chat with him too!
Just because she builds it doesn’t mean you need to use it. Just because she complains about how much money she wasted on a nursery no one asked for doesn’t mean you need to feel guilty. You don’t have to alter your baby plans for anyone, especially some lady you’re NC with.
Ok two things:
Your husband can tell her no, or you can just… not use it. Or both. You can’t really stop her in her own house, but you can certainly tell her no to babysitting. Annoying and super intrusive, but something you can just choose to ignore. Im sure she has other boundary stomping tendencies though, so it’s a good time to flex the “no”
Muscle.
Your husband is an adult storing stuff at his mom’s house. Just… go get his stuff. It’s wild to think he’s insisting on locking his mom out of a room in her own house. Once he doesn’t live there anymore, it’s no longer his room.