alright guys so for added context please refer back to my previous post on this sub called “shit just hit the fan last night” but i know a lot of you have followed along to this already so i’ll just jump right into it.
as you probably know my MIL blew UP on my husband and i about 2 1/2 weeks ago at a family dinner because we said we would not be sharing our baby name. literally that’s what caused the blow up, i cannot make this up. anyways, she stormed out crying and grabbed her 12 year old daughter and the 14 year old adopted kid she’s fostering and promptly left creating a very awkward and outright tension amidst the family. one i was expecting for quite some time.
well when she left i blew the lid off on her behaviors (not even everything just a small snippet) to her mom and my husbands grandma was profusely apologetic and shocked by the behaviors her daughter exhibited to us that she was naive to. she’s unfortunately naive to A LOT. her daughter is a class-A narcissist to a T, and after this blow up my husband and i mutually agreed that her flagrant behavior needed to be checked and we wouldn’t let her weasel her way back in so easily.
the next day we both got an extensive paragraph in a group text to us two from his mom- where she really didn’t apologize and accused us of intentionally isolating only her. as i expected she twisted every single thing to be the victim. the entire reason we aren’t sharing names this second pregnancy is because of HER. she was so abhorrently rude when i named my daughter the name i chose because it was too similar to my own moms. she harassed us for three weeks with lists of suggestions, asked for her own name to be included, she really didn’t hold back it was repulsive. then she posted her full legal name and due date against my wishes once i said to stop with the suggestions.
so when she asked what we would be naming this baby (we are doing surprise gender at the end and have a boy and girl name already chosen) i said we wouldn’t be announcing the name choices to ANYONE, and that’s when she blew up literally SCREAMING at us.
in the text she said “apparently it’s disrespectful to ask your adult son what he’s thinking of naming his child” and “do you know how much that hurts to be told “we have thought of names, but we’ve decided we won’t be sharing it ONLY with you” she’s such a dipshit manipulator she doesn’t realize i remember conversations word for word verbatim and even typed out the screaming match THAT DAY as a transcript in my phone to refer back to. she also claimed that she only blew up because my husband was disrespectful to her first (complete lie, such a little victim)
then she said “you guys also apparently think it’s damaging to your 1 1/2 year old to witness a 12 year old play on a phone which is ridiculous” her daughter is so non verbal i’ll ask her how she’s doing and how’s school and she can’t answer. i have to essentially spoon feed her answers. (example last october my husbands 20 year old cousin and i were chatting next to her and asked about how choir was going. she said “uhh…” and stared at my ceiling for ten seconds like her brain glitched out. the cousin looked at me confused and said “um (name) did you just start choir this year?” and she goes “uhhh, yeah” and looked back at her ipad dead panned) the girl is literally brain dead from the ipad dependency it’s downright abuse but the mom continues to downplay her shit parenting.
at the end of her text she said “the judgement comes from everyone not just you guys, and i am stepping away from family gatherings for a while, i don’t know how long, but this is all very traumatic for me and i need to step away.”
whatever.
then two days later grandmas on the phone with husband and already confirms that his mom is going to 4th of july at the aunts house 😂😂 as i expected SHES SO PREDICTABLE.
4th of july was cancelled by the aunt only days later because she knew drama would ensue and even admitted on the phone to me that MIL ruins camping trips, dinners, birthdays, etc and she didn’t want to deal with it on the 4th as she’s an OB doctor and is working a 24 hour shift the day after and didn’t want family drama to exhaust her (understandable) also there’s a family camping trip on the 6th 7th 8th and 9th and i’m expecting MIL to show up and ruin that as well.
well after about 4 days of no answer to her dramatic text, she sent an ESSAY to my husband on father’s day that was even more of an attack. she explained that the 14 year old foster kid she’s had since november of 2024 has been “crying so much” since our blow out and asked if he’d be sent back to a previous home where she said “no honey.. they gave up on you” 🥴 she made him believe that we don’t allow her to watch our 1 1/2 year old daughter because of HIM. not true whatsoever it’s that she’s a shit person/parent. this absolutely pissssssed my husband OFF. she’s dug herself into a deep trench and doesn’t realize it. he once again didn’t answer.
about three days after that she sent him a text saying “i apologized and i meant it. please forgive me for i am a human and i make mistakes. i am your mother. let’s meet for dinner or coffee soon and talk.”
once again radio silence from him lol. three days after that she texts him again at 11 am and says “i miss you guys. hope everyone’s doing okay 😢” still no answer 😂
THEN she stoops to texting me at 9 pm that night (im sorry this is so comical 9 pm😭😭 she’s so desperate) a whole paragraph about how she wished i wouldn’t have misinterpreted how she downplayed my near death birth trauma and made it about herself, how she’s “always liked me” and “i won’t be coming to the camping trip so don’t worry about it being awkward, but i hope you two talk to me before that date” (we won’t) and then said “i’ve texted my son multiple times to apologize but he hasn’t replied” yeah stupid ass silence IS your answer.
still no response AGAIN. so this past sunday we went to husbands grandparents for dinner for the first time since the blow up. she was obviously not there, if her car was going to be parked outside we agreed we would have kept on driving. anyways we had a good dinner with them. the grandma tells me randomly while we’re alone that the foster kid went back to live (for a week) with the previous guy who “gave up on him” because he “missed him” and “he had a great time!” weird- already she’s transitioning to give him up. also [important context!!] two weeks before her blow up she randomly ran into my dad at safeway and spilled the beans that “things aren’t working out with (foster kid)” and so this blow up became her scapegoat to give him back and put the blame on us. CRAZY RIGHT?!
at the very end of the dinner the grandma goes to my husband “so what are you going to do about your mom?” and before he even gets a word out she jumps ahead and goes “SHE IS YOUR MOTHER!” as though to warn him to tread lightly with his response. then he goes “until she stops acting like a dumbass i want space”
i. shit. you. not. she goes “WHAT IF SHE DIES?! and you never talk to her again! you two will never forgive yourselves!” 🤯🤯🤯 then his grandpa says “when i was younger and had my two daughters, my mom did the same thing yours did, and became possessive of our girls and disrespected our boundaries as parents. and i cut her off for 12 years. my daughters missed out on a relationship with their grandma for 12 years, and i realized it was MY responsibility to rekindle that relationship regardless of how mad i was at her personally.”
i corrected him and said “actually that was fully your moms responsibility to correct her behavior and rekindle that relationship at regain access to your kids” and defeated, he went on about “look- (my husbands mom) is severely overweight and diabetic, she won’t be here for another ten years” (when i say severely i mean anywhere from 350-400 lbs but still that is a BULLSHIT excuse for him to pull on us) and THEN the grandma says “plus you guys have to understand she just started going through menopause, her hormones are all crazy right now, she didn’t mean to upset you guys the other day” IM 19 weeks PREGNANT and i’m not crazy. the hormone excuse is BULLSHIT. my mom is also the exact same age as her and in menopause as well. so then my husband was going off about how she’s always been like this even before menopause and that she needs to stop being fucking crazy and we still want our space.
the grandma says “i get that but don’t let this go on for too long, SHE IS YOUR MOTHER may i remind you!” so because she pushed out my husband in 1999 she can continue to treat us like dogshit and be a crazy bitch and we just have to accept that? nah that’s not how my family or i operate. if you’re a shit person you’re cut out. blood doesn’t mean anything, you have to protect yourself and your kids.
after we left i told my husband “look, you can reach out to her all you want, you can maintain whatever semblance of a half assed relationship with your mom that you’ve always had- but i’m done. that was my last straw. the fake façade her and i have been doing since i was 15 is exhausting, im not doing it anymore. she’s still going to have very limited access to our children, but you and her can work out whatever you want.” he said he still doesn’t want anything to do with her and we’re on the same page. his family thinks this is just going to blow over but it’s not. she’s called me racist, she’s said to my face that she wished my husband ended up with this friend and this girl from his childhood and “I’m surprised he ended up with you” she has outwardly been a bitch to me for years. she makes passive aggressive posts directed at me on facebook. she hates my mom too, and i’m not playing this game anymore.
i guess the advice i’m looking for is how do i proceed, i know we are about to turn into the bad guys, maybe not to the aunt and cousins but definitely to the mom sister and grandparents. the grandparents are now very obviously her flying monkeys. the only thing i plan to reiterate if she comes on the camping trip and blows things up again is:
THE AMOUNT OF ACCESS YOU HAVE TO MY CHILDREN IS A DIRECT REFLECTION/RECIPROCATION TO THE LEVEL OF RESPECT THAT YOU SHOW TO ME. if you find your access is limited, then you need to check yourself, until then, ACCESS DENIED.
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Other posts from /u/larryfisherman555:
^(To be notified as soon as larryfisherman555 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe larryfisherman555 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) ^(click here.)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
Yikes. Sounds like MIL is a master manipulator trying to guilt trip her way back into your lives. You’re good, stay firm, and don’t let her gaslight you into feeling bad for setting boundaries. Camping trip drama incoming?
As you continue to go through your pregnancy, would it be less stressful for you to block her on everything? It just sounds like a lot of unnecessary and predictable stress for you and your baby. You don’t owe your MIL the opportunity to ruin your peace every chance she gets.
I think asking questions is a great way to get out of the defensive position, starting with “what are you hoping to achieve right now? Is this really the way to achieve that goal?” Make sure to have the answers to the same question in case they turn it back to you. I think also “is it OK for people to scream like she does?” “Oh but she’s mother” “so you believe adults should tolerate being screamed at for the sake of family? What is the benefit to me? Should I teach my children this is ok?”
I also think you should put the pressure back on the grandparents to deal with HER, not you.
“She’s your mother!”
“Then you should have raised her better.”
“She’s got reasons XYZ.
“Then maybe you should help her understand the cost of her actions.”
“I have a story and realized it was my responsibility-”
“We understand the consequences of this. Have you helped her understand the legacy she’s leaving?”
Also, “what kind of mother treats her kids like this? This is YOUR legacy too.”
It’ll hurt them, but you don’t do this out of spite. They’re pressuring you because she won’t cave. You do this to remind them the cost of this behavior.
Wow! That is a terribly toxic situation and it doesn’t sound like it can be repaired. I would block the social media/texts etc and go no contact. We had a very toxic situation and wished we hadn’t let it go on as long as we did. You can’t control what she will say to others or what they chose to believe. Mel Robbins’ advice to Let Them is good for this situation. Live your life in peace, enjoy your family and be the first in the family to break the cycle for your own family.
Have a couple of lines in your back pocket that can get past the “but she’s your mother” stuff. “Relationships are built on trust”.
Because that trust is long gone, and she’s the one who broke it, and any fixing is on her.
She is clearly only getting more and more unhinged, she is likely to get way worse the longer this goes on and you need to prepare yourself.
Document everything, if you can record conversations and screenshot everything. If a restraining order becomes a must you can show escalating behaviour and be more protected. If either you or your husband starts to doubt or falter in your resolve the documentation can help you hold on.
And when it comes to the guilttrips from her bewinged apes, always flip it back to your mils behaviour. Now the song is ”OP and son is horrible for letting a misunderstanding come between family!” When the song easily could be ”Mil would rather attack her son and her dil for small boundaries rather than change her behaviour”. The gaslighting is honestly blinding. In my book it doesn’t matter if someone is actively dying, unless they show genuine remorse and willing to change then it’s a no go. Just because she is ”near death” doesn’t excuse anything. And frankly her health has nothing to do with you and everything to do with herself.
Mil is so used to manipulating her parents and they would much rather believe her story than to realize what their daughter has become. A negligent, entitled and manipulative abuser that uses her emotions as weapons. The rules are really clear ”if she can change and behave we can forgive and move on. But only in that order. We will NOT forgive before her change because that has NEVER worked.” And what kind of parent would leave their young children with someone they don’t trust? That would be crazy.
Stay strong!