I 26F am planning to leave my boyfriend of 10 years due to the fact that he simply will not clean. After discussing how he can be better, it only lasts 2 days max. I have told him how much this impacts my mental health and is making me want to leave him. For the past 4 years this has been going on and nothing has changed. He will not clean up after himself or his brother that we had move in with us. Now that I have been applying to other apartments, he is upset and telling me he has tried and will keep trying.
Should I believe this again and take a chance or finally make the jump and go off on my own?
TL;DR should I leave my 10y relationship due to him not changing and doing more around the house?
Comments
he’s not going to change.
It’s been four years, are you going to wait until you are both 30 to see if he becomes an adult? What then?
Number one reason for divorce aside from finances. You’re too young to be with someone this long who isn’t meeting your needs. It happens, though, when we age into adulthood and not everyone adults on the same level. It’s totally a legitimate reason to end the relationship.
Honestly you could be a few years into a good relationship with someone who will take care of their space. I left my partner of 14 years over similar stuff.
Imagine when you have a baby, then you’ll be doing all the work for three. And he’ll be aggravated that he’s not getting enough sex and food and god forbid the baby matters more than his brother.
It’s been 4 years. He’s not going to change
Setup like that could only work if boyfriend is a primary breadwinner and pays all of the bills. Could it be a middle ground for you?
Go enjoy your 20s. You’re an adult, don’t be trapped by the decisions of a 16 year old.
Stop wasting years of your life hun please you deserve more than this.
Get out of there. What will happen if you stay is that he might help clean for a little while and then it will go right back to the way it was. You’ve been with one person since you were 16 years old. You have no idea how many wildly better people there are out there for you
52M here. He has a demonstrated history of NOT changing his habits. Should you marry, that will only confirm that you accept him as he is. Can you accept living like this for the next FIFTY YEARS?
Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Please rip off the band aid and end it.
Uh, yes?? He sounds like such a loser lmao. Send him back to his mommy.
A good man just picks up after himself without being asked
Go get a cool apartment and make it your own.
Get rid of him. You will be his maid as long as he thinks you will allow it.
He will not change. If you want to be with him, you’ll have to accept this part of him. My ex was like this and one of the many reasons why I left him. I could not tolerate it indefinitely. If you aren’t willing to tolerate it you know what you need to do.
What is different now? You know the answer.
He has no incentive to change, you’ve been together since you were 16. His mom was taking care of him then, now you are.
The only way this dude grows up is if he actually experiences growing.
Leave him.
As someone who is also affected by the cleanliness and order of my space, I feel for you deeply and would be out. There are men out there who take care of their space. I know because my husband exists and is extremely easy to live with. He cleans up after himself and doesn’t create extra work for me. You can find the same!
It is unlikely this leopard will change his spots
I say this as I argue with my partner of 13 years about doing light housework while I work, he’s not going to change. It’s never going to be worth it, even if he’s trying and even if it’s not his fault. It’s not yours either. Leave now before kids and mortgages are involved.
You’ve been with him since you were a kid.
I was with my ex from the same age.
I wish I’d left when I was 26.
Some relationships are meant to end.
Sounds like your exbf and his brother played you into being their new mommy. If you are asking this question, it is time to cut the dead weight.
Yes, 10 years is long enough to see real change, and 4 years of excuses is your answer. Don’t waste more time hoping for effort that never lasts. Leave
He has shown you for four years exactly how he is. Over and over again. he has consistently made changes for two days and then stopped . If he were really going to change, he would’ve done so by now. Get out while you still can’t. What in the world would lead you to believe that he’s going to change? Seriously what in the world is gonna make you realise he is not going to change?
Lets assume he will never change. Would you want to be with him for the rest of your life?
It’s been FOUR YEARS! This will only get worse.
at very least, you definitely need to leave the shared living space. if he wants ANOTHER chance to prove he can keep the apartment clean without you there, he can do that for a year. he can also participate in cleaning (dishes, kitchen) when he comes over to your new apartment. he has a lot of catching up to do to be remotely near the amount of cleaning you have done for him.
i suspect, that in your own space, you might feel enough relief and comfort that you won’t emotionally want to go back to him, either. and you should give yourself the chance to feel that hope and possibility of something different and more mature.
Definitely leave, he doesn’t care about your mental health and he doesn’t care to clean. He sees it as your job and even then is unwilling to “help” you and ease the burden.
I’m curious- is he also 26 or is he older than you?
This is who he is. If you stay, you are signing up for this.
I recommend leaving. Now that the lease is up, it’s the best time to do it. It will never be easy, but it must be done.
He will love bomb you, so be prepared. It’s all lies, he always lies to get you to stay and then does what he wants.
So both these boys are slobs? They won’t clean up after themselves or do communal chores?
>Should I believe him again?
What possible reason is there that you should? No, you shouldn’t believe him again. He’s lying, again, just like he has every time previous. He’s not trying. He’s just saying words to make you keep hoping and hopefully not leave.
Truthfully, you shouldn’t spend your life with someone your 16-year-old self chose, because that’s not who you’re gonna be as an adult. So yes, it’s time to move on, for a lot of reasons. It’s time to go figure out who you really are. And you don’t know yet, because you’ve yet to walk the earth as an adult without the influence of his presence in your every decision, large and small. You need to go make a whole bunch of decisions all on your own. All the way from what to eat for dinner to what you want to do in life.
>Now that I have been applying to other apartments, he is upset and telling me he has tried and will keep trying.
I mean… do you find this to be indicative that he has a plan for what to change? I don’t