TLDR:
Been with my boyfriend 10 years. He struggles with anger and isn’t a safe space for me. He’s not abusive but if something small happens like someone cuts him off the vibe is ruined for the day. Both his family and my stepfamily exclude us, so I feel lonely either way. Anyone face this kind of situation before?
POST:
Hi everyone. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 10 years. The first couple of years were fine, but these last few years I’ve started to see him more clearly and I don’t know if he’s someone I want to marry.
He has a lot of anger. He shuts down easily, gets frustrated over small things (like if someone cuts him off while driving), and then it ruins the vibe for the rest of the day. He’s not abusive, but it doesn’t feel like a safe space emotionally. I can’t really talk to him about a lot of things. I know it’s not all his fault—he grew up in a tough household and I think a lot of it comes from that—but it still affects me.
On top of that, family dynamics weigh heavy on me. I’m originally from Brazil and moved here when I was 8. Most of my family is still back home, so I only have my mom and sister here. I’ve been around my stepfamily for years, but I still feel excluded—like I’m not truly part of the family. Because of that I think it’s important to marry into a family that embraces me like their own. I know they exist.
His family does the same thing to both him and me. They say they love us, but their actions tell another story. For example, when they plan trips, they’ll ask everyone if they booked flights, except him. When others do something fun, they ask about it, but when we do, they don’t. Conversations feel flat with us, while everyone else seems engaged. It just makes me feel like we’re on the outside.
So now I feel like I’m stuck choosing between two kinds of loneliness: • Marrying him and marrying into a family where I feel left out. • Or breaking up, leaving his family behind, and facing the loneliness of starting over.
I want a partner who feels like a safe space and a family that welcomes me in, especially since my own family is kind of dysfunctional.
Has anyone else felt this way—like you’re choosing between different kinds of loneliness? How did you handle it? Anyone dealt with family that excludes you like that?
Comments
It’s not the end of the world to be single. And it doesn’t have to be lonely. It might be hard initially, but what you’re dealing with is already hard. And lonely.
Neither he nor his family meet your emotional or relationship needs. You have already described this in detail.
It’s been 10 years, is it likely to get better? No. You’ve already checked out.
You’re young. You still have plenty of time. Loneliness won’t be the worse thing, and you’ll have control of your own life! You won’t if you stay. And you’ll be lonely.