I (44M) met a woman (34F) on a dating app while traveling abroad last year. Her profile clearly stated she was looking for something serious, but my initial intention was just a one-night stand. However, after meeting her, I was completely smitten. We ended up meeting two more times and even went on a weekend trip together before I continued traveling for two more weeks and eventually returned to my home country, 5,000 miles away from her.
When I got back home, I told her it would be foolish to start a long-distance relationship. But after a few days of talking, we decided to give it a shot (maybe a mistake). We’ve now been together for six months, talking every day—sometimes texting, sometimes calling. Things can get intense. She struggles with confidence and jealousy, and after some research, I suspect she might have Borderline Personality Disorder (and I might have some traits too).
Here’s the issue: I came across some messages she exchanged with her ex (who had a life-threatening accident three months ago and also lives abroad) and another guy. The messages with the ex seemed to be about checking on his safety after the accident, but the ones with the other guy hinted at a purely physical relationship. She doesn’t know I’ve seen these messages. When I brought up the importance of honesty in LDRs, she mentioned wanting to confess that her ex’s sister had contacted her about the accident, and she contacted him just wanted to make sure he was okay.
To be fair, after meeting her three times, I had a couple of one-night stands while traveling the following two weeks. But since we officially started our relationship, I’ve been loyal. I’m disappointed by what I found, but I also realize it’s unreasonable to expect complete loyalty after only meeting in person three times over two weeks period.
We had already planned a seven-day trip together before I discovered the messages. Here’s my plan: I want to enjoy the first few days of the trip and then have a serious conversation around day three or four. I’ll ask her directly if she’s been unfaithful during the past six months. If she confesses and gives me a reason I can accept, I’m willing to forgive her on the condition that it doesn’t happen again. However, if she denies it and only admits it when I show her proof, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust her again. In that case, I’ll hear her out but ultimately say goodbye.
I’m not sure if I’m writing this as a way to vent or if I’m genuinely seeking advice. Should I let her go? Am I wrong for being willing to forgive her if she cheated in this LDR? Hopefully everything is a missunderstanding.
TL;DR: I (44M) met (34W) we started a long-distance relationship. Six months in, I discovered questionable messages with her ex and another guy, which has made me doubt her loyalty. We have a week-long trip planned, and I plan to confront her about it during the trip. If she acknowledges what’s happened and explains it satisfactorily, I might forgive her; but if she denies it, I’m leaning toward ending the relationship. What should I do?