I have a long history of drama between me and my MIL (10 years). I could write a novel but I’ll try to give the highlights. My DH and I believe that she has borderline personality disorder. She has a severe lack of boundaries, invades our privacy and an intense need to be perfect and show face in the community. She constantly complains about everything and how terrible her life is but she doesn’t have to work and she has a shopping addiction. She is EXHAUSTING to be around. From day 1, she tried to love bomb me but I quickly realized how toxic she was to my husband and his sister. She would try to keep tabs on me and my husband and tried to use me to control my husband once we moved out.
On top of being invasive, she started doing things to exclude me like planning a family vacation without me, giving me her phone and asking to take “family” pictures of them, getting a gallery wall for her house and not putting me or my BIL in any of the photos. Then when we got married, she made my entire wedding experience about herself. She was obsessed with finding the perfect dress for herself and then on our rehearsal dinner night took a picture without me (she has a track record of doing this and by this point she knew how hurtful it was). Fast forward to my SIL’s wedding, she makes a speech about how much she loves my BIL and welcomed him into the family!! I didn’t get any speech at all.
This was all in 2022, so in the years after this wedding issue, I pulled back intensely and stopped going to random dinners with her and stopped going to events like birthdays. She still tried to control my husband and wanted to plan his birthday dinners and didn’t want to let us have our own holidays (except Christmas) but all other holidays were planned by her, no discussion on what we wanted to do. So anyway I pull back, and then instead of trying to make things better or try to work on the relationship, she just starts ignoring me but purposely would compliment my SIL in front of me. Another issue is, she’s obsessed with her daughter and anytime I tried to talk about myself she would compare me to her daughter and brag about how amazing she is (this is also a long issue). Every-time we are around she just talks about what her daughter has going on and tells me her personal business, it’s awkward.
We have a sit down breakfast where I explained how hurt I was about the wedding stuff she apologized but then nothing changed (shocker).
In 2024, right before my husband’s birthday I find a text message from her that says I’m causing “stress” in the family and she doesn’t understand what my “problem” is with her. She blamed this whole thing on me!! I immediately freak out and I write her a 10 page letter explaining all the things she’s done to me and my husband and how she has hurt me all during this time.
Just for reference, my husband has come a long way and fully has my back on this the whole time and is currently going to therapy. He has tried talking to her numerous times about her behavior but she wants to play victim and act like she doesn’t understand. So his therapist sets up a meeting to discuss this letter with the 3 of us. We have the meeting and she “apologizes” but it’s so surface level and she honestly she is confusing to talk to (she talks in word salads) and I really don’t think anything got resolved. All she cared about was how quickly we can shove this under the rug and go back to regular dinners and events. She doesn’t understand why we don’t want family time because “family” is the best and her daughter wants to spend time with them so she doesn’t understand why we don’t.
So now I’ve seen her 5 times since then and all these times she flat out ignores me. I invited them over for Easter and she was awkward, talked about herself the whole time and then pointed out 2 paint chips on my wall. Seriously???
I told my husband that I’m done now. I know I keep saying I’m done but I’m really done because I truly believe there is no hope for this relationship. She has hurt me so badly and makes me feel so uncomfortable and has done absolutely no work on herself or this relationship to fix it. Am I completely justified to never want to talk to her again? She has taken up so much of my life and ruined really important moments and I really don’t think I can forgive her and sweep this under the rug.
I also don’t understand why she fights so hard to have us around if she’s just going to ignore me and my husband. She is so obsessed with her daughter and her new grandson it’s like we don’t even matter anyway!! Every-time I think about going NC I wonder if I’m overreacting but I have intense anxiety attacks everytime I have to see her and it’s not healthy for me emotionally or physically at this point.
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Other posts from /u/heroineofmyownlife:
^(To be notified as soon as heroineofmyownlife posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe heroineofmyownlife JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) ^(click here.)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
It sounds like she wants to play happy family without putting any effort into a relationship with you.
Don’t try and justify your feelings to her. You only give her mit more ammunition to use against you. Don’t talk at all about personal things. If you have to meet her, grey rock. Use noncommittal answers only. So she gets nothing to feed from. Your MIL is an insane narcissist. Don’t feed into her needs. If she confronts you stay calm and do not talk about her issues. Tell her the sky is so beautiful today, isn’t it?
The important thing is that she can only hurt you if you let her. You will never get her love or respect or appreciation, bc she is a malignant narcissist. Say goodbye to your image of a good MIL – she isn’t one and never will be. Put her out of the center of your live. She should not get any information about your and your husband’s thoughts and dreams. That’s absolutely necessary. Grey rock, information diet.
Talk to your husband. Ask him if he wants to live with you or with her. Both is not possible. Get you both into therapy. If he doesn’t want to change anything, leave for a long vacation in which time he can’t rely on you and can’t contact you. If this doesn’t help, you know what to do.
Hon? You don’t matter to her. You are just her preferred punching bag, and you don’t have to put up with it. Stop trying, drop the rope, grey rock her! There is not one reason in the world for you to let her make your life miserable. Every time you respond to her attacks, she wins. Therapy has helped your husband. Can you find some for yourself?
She wants you around to ignore you because it’s a power play. And she wants the image of the big happy family, even if she doesn’t actually care about the reality of it.
If she’s giving you panic attacks, go NC. Drop the rope. It’ll make you feel better and give you your life back. Stop wasting energy thinking about her. It’s time to let go.
I couldn’t find a single PRO for seeing her in this post. Give yourself permission to let go and give your energy to those who lift you up. What would you say to a friend who told you this?
Ok, so you’re not mental health professionals and can’t diagnose anyone, but I’d like people to remember that the “Borderline” part of “Borderline Personality Disorder” is “Borderline Psychopath.”
Whether she has BPD, NPD or another personality disorder, it doesn’t really matter, because people don’t get better from those disorders. Why? Because they don’t think they’re wrong, it’s the rest of us that are the problem. We are means to an end and there is nothing you can do about it. You will never get her to empathize with you or treat you with respect. She is literally not capable of that.
Do not EVER, EVER, EVER go back to therapy with that woman. All therapy does is give people like your MIL a platform, another person to perform for and they pick up ammo to use against you later. In order for therapy to work, there needs to be complete vulnerability and trust, and your MIL isn’t capable of either of those things and will just use whatever is said as a weapon down the line.
Yes, absolutely, you should go NC with this person. You gave it the old college try and did everything you could to make it work and she didn’t get it. That’s on her. Go find your peace and remind yourself that she isn’t worth your time or energy.
She only wants you there because she knows you hate and it’s her flex on you. “I’m the matriarch and it’s your job to come over and kiss the ring”. She is getting everything she wants why would she change? Your there miserable and hurt and SHE KNOWS IT, you guys smile and keep trying. Why? If you didnt make any calls would she even reach out to you? Just do the slow fade and keep your husband busy.
You are justified, but you missed out on a lot of opportunities to say things like “Wow MIL, I knew you were obsessed with SIL, but i didn’t realize it was this bad, you haven’t stopped taking about her even when the topic changes. “
“Hmm, MIL that’s interesting. Do you mind if we talk about something besides SIL? I know you dint have much going on, but it’s kinda old by now.”
“Still haven’t got your head outta SIL’s ass yet, huh? I guess that makes sense, you’ve always been obsessive”
You’ve been patient long enough. NC might be the best decision for your mental health. You deserve peace, not anxiety. Prioritize yourself.
You’re not overreacting. She’s shown you for a decade she’s not changing, and every “apology” is just a reset button for her. NC sounds like self-preservation at this point.