My boyfriend (M29) and I (F30) have been together for 8 years. We’re in the process of moving in together, but I’m having a lot of doubts. Throughout our relationship, there have been good and bad moments—some a bit toxic. For example, at the beginning of the relationship, he would get upset if I wore skirts or shorts, but after talking about it a lot, it’s no longer an issue. I have also lost a lot of friend because he didn’t like them, but he went to therapy and he changed some things.
The truth is we get along really well and have great chemistry. I also have severe anxiety and depression, and he’s always been there to support me, which makes me feel like he’s become my safe space. Some time ago I didn’t want to live anymore and he was always there for me.
However, there are things I don’t like about the relationship, and I’m not sure if I should stay. For instance, he’s very conservative and has a strong fear of being alone. The first time we talked about moving in together, I told him I had a trip planned with my mom, and he said no—that if we were living together, I couldn’t go on a trip and leave him alone. We argued about it, and eventually, he agreed to let me travel with my mom whenever I wanted.
He’s made comments like, “now you and I are family, and everything else doesn’t matter anymore.” Later, I told him I planned to spend New Year’s with my family (of course I invited him, but he couldn’t go), and he said it was unfair for me to leave him alone for our first New Year’s living together (IDK, maybe he is right and I suck at relationships :(, now I feel really guilty of going). There are other red flags, like sometimes he checks who I talk to on WhatsApp, or looks through my ChatGPT conversations. Another important redflag is that he doesn’t like using condoms (I don’t use any other birthcontrol method because the hormones could increase my anxiety).
I asked him to go to couples therapy so we could communicate better and reach agreements, but he says he doesn’t believe in therapy and that it’s useless.
I understand that I’m not the best person either, and I feel terrible leaving him because I really love him, he’s a good person and has helped me a lot, but I see controlling traits that I don’t like. Can you give me a second opinion?
TL;DR: I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 years, and while he’s supported me through very hard times, I’m having serious doubts about staying. He’s loving but also controlling. He refuses therapy, and we have major differences. I love him, but I’m not sure this is healthy.
Comments
it sounds like he’s trying to isolate you and moving in together is his excuse to ramp up his efforts.
do you really want to live a life where you have to have a long talk or argument every time you want to spend time away from him, even with your own mother?
There are way too many red flags here. I would not move in, have a relationship with, or marry a man like this. What advice would you give your sister or best friend in this kind of relationship?
You can love someone and they can still be not a good fit for you.
There’s a LOT of yikes in this post, but they point more specifically the control issues. The idea that you can’t leave or travel without him? Oof. There’s no way I could stay with a partner who can’t be independent and comfortable on his own.
The fact that he seems completely unwilling to do therapy tells me he has zero intention to evolve as a human. If this was as good as it gets, would you sign up for another 10years?
This is a critical point for you… an opportunity to start fresh with a new partner. You’re a different person than were 8 years ago. It sounds like you’ve been trying to train this guy to be better since the beginning, and while it’s improved, it’s still BAD.
I cannot imagine committing to someone like this. Listen to your gut and the red flags and make space to actually meet your person.