I am writing this in hope to get advices, thank you in advance!
My partner (22M) and I (20F) are having relationship issues. We have been together since 5 months, seeing eachother since 1 year. He would like to give and receive oral sex, primarily to receive, but he says he would reciprocate. However, I don’t want either. I find giving oral sex degrading, and receiving it would feel uncomfortable for me.
When I brought this up, he said that in society, we are not equals. He said, and I quote: “As a man, society values me more than you, as a woman. But in our relationship, we are equals, this societal ‘ranking’ doesn’t apply between us. And since I give up this privilege, recieving oral sex would feel good since it would stroke my ego.”
I lost it at that point. I told him that this is not a privilege he’s giving up. Just because he’s not acting superior in the relationship doesn’t make him a saint. It doesn’t earn him praise or compensation. Choosing not to be a superior, controlling man isn’t some noble act, it’s the bare minimum.
He got irritated and said he didn’t understand why he even had to explain this to me, that it (oral) should be a basic understanding in any relationship. He mentioned that all his male friends receive oral sex from their partners, and that oral makes a man feel like a man. I told him that im not less of a person for not wanting to do it. He said I’m not less, but if people were scored, I wouldn’t be “maxed out” in this area.
That was when I exploded again and started listing all the ways in which he wouldn’t score “max” either. I know it wasn’t the best reaction, but his words hurt me so deeply, I needed him to feel how painful and insulting they were.
He later said that not getting this from me would leave him unsatisfied in this relationship, and that he didn’t think he could stay in a relationship long-term where this was missing.
I said that this is a sad situation since this is a serious incompatibility between us. Later that day I asked him if it was reversed and i would want him to do something degrading, let’s say if I asked him to dress up like a femboy and crawl barking for me. Wouldn’t that feel degrading to him? He admitted that yes, it would and that he wouldn’t do it. I said, “Exactly. That’s how I feel.”
His reasoningthat he is giving up a “man’s right” to superiority and therefore deserves some sort of ego reward is, in my view, built on deeply misogynistic thinking. As if equality isn’t the default but rather a gift he’s granting me, one that earns him something in return.
And this goes against his own claim that we are equals in the relationship. This isn’t the picture of equality, it’s a negotiation where one partner expects compensation for voluntarily stepping down from a dominant role.
On top of that, his comment that I wouldn’t be “maxed out” if people were scored is personally hurtful and deeply demeaning. It’s not only cruel but also a toxic mindset.
I feel like he lacks compassion and respect.
Over the past few days i have been going crazy… am i really a bad girlfriend here?
Comments
His responses are disgusting. Leave that boy.
I dont like his mentality and attitude. He seems very immature and power tripping over sexual pleasure. If this is the request he wants you to do when you are not in favor of it, then theres no point in this relationship because you two are not agreeing on anything. You can find someone better. Hes a jerk and you need a gentleman.
Men are not entitled to access to women. Sounds like he does not deserve access. I would break up with him.
But girl, I think you also need to do some inner work and get over these hangups about oral. It’s not degrading. In fact, there’s something distinctly empowering about hopping on top of a man’s face and riding him until you get your finish.
Lots of people love to give and receive oral sex. However, you don’t, and that’s okay. We all like what we like, and don’t what we don’t. Oral itself isn’t degrading if you like it.
And your bf’s beliefs about oral sex making him feel like a man and equality and all the rest of his bullshit blathering is enough for you to just turn and run. Fast.
If you ever decide you want to try oral – and you don’t ever have to if you don’t want to, just make sure it’s not with this fool.
Your body. Your choice.
Anyone who does not share that point of view should not be welcome in your life.
he is not entitled to receiving acts of sex you are obviously uncomfortable with doing. not only does he not respect your clear stance on the discussion and went as far as to degrade you and make you feel as if you owe him some sort of compensation for “letting” you be equals, he refers to oral sex as if its a mans right to have from his girlfriend. sex is sacred and should not be a “requirement” in any sort of relationship. what he’s doing is attempting to tear you down and throw a bunch of twisted perspectives as if people are game characters that can have “maxed out” skillsets which is just a sickening thing to think of a girl that can “max out” in oral sex.
you get to pick if you want someone in between your legs and no one else can choose that for you, if you dont like it then you dont have to do it. if you dont like your mouth near it then you dont have to do it. break up with him, he himself said that it was a serious incompatibility. and it sounds like you guys are also incompatible in the brains department.
oh no maam you deserve so much better. the misogyny coming from this guy is astounding
His mindset is abusive. If this is how he feels after five months, imagine what he’ll feel entitled to in a year, or three years, or if you got married. No way. Because what he’s going to say very soon is he’s allowed to go get it somewhere else because he’s a man entitled to it elsewhere if he’s not getting it in his relationship. Please, don’t go down this road with him. It will not end well.
Oh heck no baby. Leave that boy alone and find a man who respects women. He’s icky.
He is telling you how he views you – not his equal – please don’t ignore it. Do you really want to live with someone with that kind of mindset?
Sounds like you are incompatible and it would be good to end it now.
Unfortunately a lot of young men these days are buying into retrograde sexist attitudes as a misguided way of compensating for – or skipping altogether- the harder work of changing, growing and adapting to a new world. Sounds like your boyfriend is in this camp and that’s not something you want to stick around for.
I would also add, as a middle aged man now, that men do actually find sex and sexuality as an important part of a relationship. It does make use feel seen, heard and appreciated. I heard a woman sex therapist say that sex often does for men in a relationship what deep conversation does for women. It creates a bond, a sense of being valued, and a feeling of having a partner.
Many men struggle with the emotional literacy and vulnerability to be able to say that (again it’s taken me to my 50s to start to come to terms with it) and as a result they express their sexual need in juvenile and insensitive ways. That isn’t your problem, and you don’t have to stick around for a guy who doesn’t know how to express that respectfully.
It sounds like, even though he is expressing it in an awful way, he is trying to communicate a need he has. This need involves something you don’t enjoy or desire. You’re not wrong for feeling that way, and he’s not wrong for having that need. Therein lies an area of incompatibility. There is compromise in a relationship and that’s healthy, but then there’s giving up something vitally important to you, or your integrity, for the sake of staying together, and that’s not good.
You are both young. It’s possible, even probable, these days that you are not going to find the love of your life at 20 or 22. This is a learning moment for you about what you want and don’t want. Seems as if time for both or you to part ways and go grow and explore what you want separately.
Yeah this post sounds like karam farming. I refuse to believe you got with someone like this and are just finding out now lol. I could be wrong.
I’m just curious. Forgive me if I’m wrong. But is the feeling and thought that giving or receiving oral is degrading because of a cultural thing or a religious thing? I’ve heard that in some cultures oral is degrading. But I’ve also heard of people that are also confused about oral when it involves religious beliefs. Seems like you’ve never given or received oral. If so, this is an interesting view on something that has never been practiced. Sounds like it was learned or heard somewhere or instilled in you.
But to answer your question on whether you should break up, I think you should. Simply because he’s not respecting your views and boundaries at all. And that’s never acceptable. Also, his views on what he thinks he deserves as a man are not healthy. I don’t think you would be happy if you choose to stay in the relationship. Good luck with everything
Why are you even with someone with that mentality and thought process? What’s the catch?
His mentality is gross, and you absolutely need to break it off. He is not a safe man.
Oral sex is not degrading so the better question is what will lead you reframe the negative cultural attitudes you have internalized about an inherently neutral-positive act.
And above and beyond that, it can be fun for the giver and feel amazing for the receiver.
He is also correct that a hierarchy existing in a larger group does not inherently apply to a subgroup. Science teachers have more prestige and power than art teachers. But in a given school, science teachers can have more, less, or equal prestige and power compared to art teachers.
Your analogy (barking) was also not applicable. Not that there is anything wrong with either behavior as a fun roleplay, but taking the role of subhuman is and lesser than human is different than oral sex.
A better analogy would be face sitting where the woman is on top and in a power position. Or if he is on his knees going up on you.
Femboy (or pegging) don’t work as an analogy because they introduce a gender role violation, which is not strongly inherent to oral sex anymore.
Those are all generally true statements. However, I find his “giving up privilege” comment to be just as odd as your comments. That’s a terrible argument for why a partner should give or receive oral sex. He should have to sit in the corner and think about that one for at least 4 hours.
He sounds like Andrew Tate Lite.
This gotta be rage bait bc aint no way😭😭
If this is real, please value yourself more. This is awful and wrong on so many levels
Giving him head would be degrading, I quite agree
He sounds insufferable, why are you still there?
What do you get out of this relationship?