Hii, I was told to post this here from other subs, here’s some more context about his mom
-mother is a nurse, works every week but has every other weekend off
-late 50s
-fully able bodied, no health concerns
-never got a car or license, takes the bus to work and back but will ask bf to drive her home on his days off
-will tell my bf she’s “too old” to do things like grocery shop herself, or use the uber app
-his father left when he was born, mom never took another man, doesn’t really date
-bf tells me that he “just does what his mom asks him because she will keep complaining until it’s done” and that he doesn’t really want to do everything for her but feels like he “owes” her
-he is a great bf in other aspects like he takes great care of me, plans fun/romantic dates, vacations, many common interests, loving and very transparent and we get along really well
I’m 24f and my bf is 28f, we’ve been dating for 3 years and honestly he is as close to a perfect bf as can be, I have high standards and he meets every one of them but the thing is …. His mom (57f).
So he was raised by a single mom and as he got older their relationship I guess got more dependent and he basically pays for everything (she works as a nurse), and does every thing she wants whenever she wants it (cleaning, laundry, buying groceries, buying random stuff etc). I on the other hand was raised very differently where I have both my mom and dad and my parents have never asked me for anything, I still help out OF COURSE but i mean it has never been demanded of me.
I really love my boyfriend, and he’s thinking of next steps, like buying a place for us and getting engaged. When he asks me about these plans I really don’t know what to say because tbh his mom bothers me. I’m not sure how much longer I can put this off. I’ve told him this weekend that I was disappointed and unhappy. This is what’s going on:
He works 2 jobs and has the weekends off, so I only get to see him on the weekends, and every weekend his mom wants him to buy something or do something for her. Every single Saturday and Sunday and any other day that he has off. For example this weekend we both had Friday and Saturday and Sunday off (he has Monday off but I don’t) and without fail, his mom is calling every day asking for some random things. She knows that he’s with me but she doesn’t care and will still interrupt our dates, or maybe the problem is with him, I don’t know.
We went for groceries on Friday and I asked him “hey, tomorrow we have our date planned and on Sunday we can just relax at home right?” And he said yes. I reminded him that I know his mom often “forgets” that she needs something and he promised that if she needed something he would get it for her on Monday since I wouldn’t be there that day and we could enjoy Saturday and Sunday together. But that’s not how it went. We had to go on Saturday for some random stuff (a bucket so she could soak something in and it had to be for THAT night it couldn’t wait, even though she already has like 3 buckets) she asked for and again on Sunday night. I was especially upset about going out on Sunday because I wanted to stay inside with him. When I say random stuff I mean like, box of ice cream cones that she could have mentioned the day before while we were at the store, or a new bottle of olive oil even though she has one that’s not even halfway done, or a house slippers, or some random fast food that she’s craving or something.
I understand that he would want to get her groceries, I would do the same for my mom when the time comes. But I mean why can’t she just have a list that can be done ONCE and done? She demands things just whenever she wants and he’ll go get it and give it to her every time. And then the next day the same story. If it’s not groceries, she wants him to clean her AC or hang up some paintings or SOMETHING.
Im trying to think long term here and if I were to get married to him and have kids and he’s not there Mon-Fri because he’s working and then on the weekends only TWO days of the week he’s here he’s not even really gonna be here for me and our family because he’s running errands for his mom? I don’t want to live like that and because I know they have a close relationship I don’t know what to do. HELP
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I’ll tell you the same thing I tell my friends. Great advice from my sassy Grandma.
A lot of times being in a relationship is deciding is if you are willing to live with a specific behavior for the rest of your life. In this case, it sounds like you’ve already decided that it isn’t something you’re willing to do and that’s okay! The thing is, you likely don’t have ‘high standards’ but you refuse to settle for less or second place when you’re willing to give your partner first. If he’s already breaking promises, choosing his Mom over you now while talking about next steps, then what? His behavior is not going to change after marriage and if you have told him that this is an issue and he’s still done nothing to stop it then you have your answer.
Your next step is to decide if you can live with his behavior for the rest of your life. If yes, then you know what you’re signed up for and you can’t complain because you walked in with your eyes wide open. If not, then take some time to think through how you want to end it.
I sincerely hope that you choose whatever you consider to be the best path forward for yourself. Good luck!
He needs to understand that by prioritizing the immature demands of a person who has infantilized herself, he will never be able to have a lasting relationship with a partner, or get married and have kids. He literally needs to get therapy, sit down with his mother and tell her that she gets one day for errands. If she needs more she can take the bus or an Uber. If he doesn’t lay this groundwork and boundaries, I don’t see how you can stay with him, no matter how great he is. The resentment will build, especially if you have kids and he is still prioritizing her.
Your ‘boyfriend’ is not available to be a partner, due to his current invovement with another woman.
I call shenanigans on her “too old” BS. I’m 53 and my husband is 59. We use Uber and DoorDash and grocery apps without any problems. I do most of the shopping myself. My 87yo mother doesn’t drive and gets her groceries delivered and arranges her own rides, Uber or medical transport. She’s a grown woman with a job; she needs to figure it out herself and your BF needs to learn to say no.
I think it’s time to be blunt and direct with him:
“While it’s endearing that you care about your mother and are very close, I’m concerned that you’re prioritizing her needs over ours. We planned to spend time together and yet, you took away that time by getting her a bucket. This is a reoccurring issue and it’s been bothering me. I don’t see how our relationship can grow when I’m pushed to the side. Is there any solution you can think of that works for both of us?”
Make it about his actions, not her requests. This is the true issue: he is the problem.
Weigh his response. Does he care that you’re upset? Does he take ownership of his actions? Does he come up with a reasonable solution? Does he maybe explain why he’s jumping to help her?
Take time to reflect. If this is something that bothers you, move on. If it’s something you can live with (which I personally could not), then move on. You DO deserve to have a happy life. It just might not be with that fish in the sea.
for heaven’s sake. Do not plan a future with this momma’s boy. That woman is manipulating him out of a relationship and he’s allowing it. The only relationship he will ever have will be with him mom. If he can’t spend time with you, he is NOT a good boyfriend.
Its concerning that he reassures you that yes, you can spend Sunday together uninterrupted and delay her requests to Monday – but then doesn’t. So no matter what promises he makes or boundaries are set, he will always cave to her?
And a bottle of olive oil when she already has some? That sounds more like its power and control than grocery shopping.
She is a nurse. If she has the mental ability to her job, then she can do more for herself. It sounds like she is choosing not to. It also sounds like he is the only person in her life so you will never have anyone else to help with her needs, much less demands. If you want to spend Christmas with your family, does that mean she is alone? And if so, is that going to be ok or are you always going to have to include her in every plan you ever make?
Be honest with yourself about what you are willing to put up with. Be honest with yourself about him based on what he does, not what he says.
Love yourself enough to choose the life you want, even if thats the hard thing now.
Oh girl, this is not good. Mama and her boyfriend are enmeshed and it will take years of therapy and buckets of tears to get him out — if he even wants that.
Run far away
Look him straight in his eyes and tell him “now you get to tell her no, I’m busy and I will do this tomorrow”. Demand from him to start telling her no whenever he has plans with you. If he won’t, you have your answer.
This is weaponized incompetence on her part to stay in control. She knows the weekends are the times you spend together, so why does he let her disrupt that every freaking time? Why even make a promise if he was just going to break it the second she calls? That is highly disrespectful to you. If it was me, I’d tell her to make a list of what she wants done and give to me Monday. My weekend is MY time, and I wouldn’t give two shits about her complaining. I would just turn my phone off.
If she is able bodied enough to still have a job, she can get things delivered. The cord will only be cut when your bf finds his spine and cuts it himself. And that’s probably only gonna happen with therapy. If boundaries are not set now, when does it end? Hopefully before you resent the hell out of him for prioritizing his mother more than he does you.
There are three people in your relationship and there will very likely ALWAYS be 3 people. Run 🏃♀️ Fast and Run 🏃 far.
PS he’s not a “perfect bf”. In fact the red flags 🚩 are waving in a hurricane wind at you!
There are plenty of guys who are not at their mothers beck and call like this. He is completely enmeshed.
I have a chronic illness that leaves me mostly housebound. I was only mild when I married my husband.
On the weekend I chose to pay $12 shipping so my husband didn’t have to go to a store and pick up items for me. He would if I asked, but his job has been extra busy.
I get so many things delivered so I dont inconvenience people, and so I can be independent. It’s not hard to do. And, there are so many places you can get free delivery from with small monthly charges.
If you dont care about other people it is nice and convenient to have a person to run around for you.
Unless she has a disability or illness that prevents her organising her own stuff she is using her son.
Also, you and your boyfriend have limited time together. He’s working 2 jobs and spending his hard earned money on her??
Unfortunately if he doesn’t see anything wrong in this he will never change.
If hes happy to help her, then he needs to limit it to the Monday when you are at work and he is free.
It’s not just 5 minutes though, is it? She has an infuriating pattern of interfering with the limited time you get with your partner, and he has a pattern of being unable to hold a simple boundary with his intrusive mommy and can’t keep a simple promise to his partner. You have nothing to lose by throwing down with your partner on this. His reaction will tell you a lot.
It’s been 3 yrs. Why would he change now?
If you are having doubts now, just wait until you have kids with this man. She will be involved in every parenting decision you make, and you will have to see her 10x more. Run while you can
Think I’d walk before I invested too much into the relationship. It’s always going to be a threesome.
What you see today is exactly what your future with this man will look like. He hasn’t set boundaries with her because he doesn’t want to. You will always be second to her and her demands. Honestly your bf needs long term counseling to help him cut those apron strings. Suggest couples counseling, but I doubt he will agree.
If a friend were describing this relationship to you, what would you advise her to do? I suggest you tell him you no longer see a future with him and it would be best if you went your separate ways. Then move on.
There are stories of mothers like her calling their sons out of the delivery room with fake claims of chest pain. Even if he does put his foot down, be prepared for her to blame you and do everything she can to make your life miserable.
Take a step back, clear your head. Give him a few weeks off, without you to decide if he misses you, not just the space you fill. You are young. You are living a very restricted life for a 24 year old.
He sounds more like his mother’s partner than her adult child. She calls on him and relies on him whenever she wants attention. And he jumps.
His “logic” that doing her errands, which always involve spending time with her, is “easier” when he complies right away. LOL It’s not easier. It’s disruptive to the adult committed relationship you think he wants to cultivate and deepen with you.
After 3 years, at your ages, expecting to prioritize your relationship is normal. And there’s where his walk doesn’t match his talk. You are 100% correct that she is stealing your time and opportunities to grow in intimacy and commitment in your relationship. You have TOLD him this. He invalidates and dismisses your valid and reality based feelings of hurt, abandonment, invalidation, disappointment and betrayal.
He makes plans with you. But he abandons them without regard to the effect on you every time mom snaps her fingers. A LOT of the time.
He won’t set boundaries with his mom. So YOU need healthy boundaries with him. First, stop any “wifely” stuff you do for him at his home. He needs to be an independent fully functional adult. Taking care of his basic needs, belongings and home is very basic adult self care. If you have been “helping out” by doing his chores at his house, stop now.
Now you only see him as a date. A date he prepares for and hosts. Unless it’s at your place. In that case, you plan, including what his role and contribution is. The moment he leaves to do something else, the date is over. You go home. You tell him to go home when he’s finished whatever took priority over your date. He doesn’t get to “pick up where he left off” to enjoy access to your time, attention, resources or sex once he leaves the date. He cut the date short. It is over.
Your healthy boundaries protect your safety, privacy, autonomy, resources and comfort in every relationship and situation. They are the limits YOU put on when, where, with whom and for how long you CHOOSE to focus your limited time, energy and resources. As soon as he sets you aside, leave the interaction. Refuse to participate in the manipulation of him by his mom, of you by the both of them. Just go home.
Once you stop waiting around for your turn on your dates, things will change. One way or another. However he reacts, you will be doing YOUR main job, being the defender and advocate for YOU.
You’re not wrong.
If this is something that you can’t live with, or that you know is not going to change then it’s probably best to break it off now before it gets harder to leave. You might want to have a conversation with your BF first and lay all your cards on the table before you make the decision. Tell him how it makes you feel, and your concerns about the future. Don’t settle for words if your BF promises to change – set some targets / measures, for example a set number of weekends without his Mum intruding. If he can’t stick to what you both agree, then you’ll have your answer.
I’m roughly about your boyfriend’s mother’s age, and I’m wondering how I can get a human to be at my beck and call… Do I just get to look forward to it as a natural consequence of aging?
Kidding aside, your boyfriend is seriously lacking in insight into his mother’s behavior and his response to it, and is not showing empathy for how you’re feeling. None of this bodes well in a serious commitment like marriage. He is not interested in changing either, which is the dealbreaker. How can he possibly make you feel like a priority if he’s catering to his mother for inconsequential things? What about when it’s high stakes, like you’re in surgery and she wants her windows washed?
As it stands, I would not move forward in this relationship given what you’ve described. His lack of loyalty to you will erode any loving feelings that you have towards him, and resentment will build even more quickly if you have kids. I married into this dynamic, and my husband still struggles with the dysfunctional upbringing he had, and we still have to deal with MIL’s emotional manipulation to this day. But the main reason why we’re together and happy after multiple decades is because ultimately my husband cares for me and puts my well-being first. (Well, that and we moved to a different country…)
Trust your gut instinct on this one.
Lady, he is not as close to perfect as it could be!! You really need raise your standards.
If you stay with him, you will always be second to his mom.
What happens when you have kids, and you need help postpartum. He would probably leave the labor and delivery room to fetch her groceries. He breaks promises to spend time with you in order to spend time with his mom.
His mom has been making power plays this whole relationship, and she’s winning every single time. This will get 100 times worse once you’re married. Run girl, run.
🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩 🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩
🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩
🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩🚨🚩
You’re right to recognize that this behavior is potentially relationship-ending. If your bf is not receptive to changing and wants to keep sacrificing to avoid conflict with his mom, then you don’t have any good options. You either allow his manipulative mother to ruin all your plans and control your relationship or you break up.
When you talk to your bf, try to get him to understand that this isn’t about you. This is his mother trying to control him and harm his healthy relationships. She’d likely sabotage future romantic relationships and even friendships.
If he can recognize what she’s doing and wants to change things, then he may be able to turn things around through therapy. But if he’s not receptive to getting help or making changes, then there’s no hope.
I’m sorry you are going through this, I’m sorry to your boyfriend too. He never had a chance, his mother made him her substitute spouse from childhood and it is DEEPLY engrained in him. Parental enmeshment should be a crime, its so destructive to generations of families. This is definitely relationship ending. If you two want a future together he will have to choose, between you and his mother. He will need some major therapy and learn how to set boundaries, and he will likely have to go LC or NC with his mother. BUT he is the one who needs to see the problem with him and his mother, and be willing to take the action. You cannot beg and hope he will do it, while he makes excuse after excuse and downplays his mother’s behavior.
I’m sorry again, it is not fair to either of you, You are dealing with a DEEP psychological stronghold, most women just won’t put up with. If you are going to stay be prepared for a fight. Look into narcissism, Mother-son enmeshment, son-husbands, etc. He has to realize he owes her nothing, he didn’t ask her to get knocked up and run his daddy off and become a single mother. It was her responsibility to raise and sacrifice for her son, it is not his responsibility to take care of her like she is his wife or overlord. Good luck to you both.
Hey OP. Have you told your boyfriend how you feel, and what you need from him? What does he say about you questioning a future with him based on this?
He’s already married to his mother. There is no room for you in this relationship.