So I (F21) have been with my boyfriend (M22) for a year. We met at a party and hooked up the same night (my first time doing that), and a few days after that, we started dating. He is a GREAT guy. very sweet, considerate and affectionate, however he doesn’t have his license and struggles to save his money. This is hard for me, because he lives 15 minutes away and I have to drive him everywhere and even pick up his groceries. I feel I know that resentment is growing and I can’t stop it. I feel horrible because he is a great person, but I feel I want more from him that he can’t give me. I feel as though my feelings of love for him switch on and off, and even making the time to see him is a chore. Writing this made me realize that I probably should just break up with him, but I feel like a piece of shit because he loves me SO MUCH and I don’t want to break his heart because he’s truly done nothing wrong. I don’t know how to tell him. (Also this is my first Reddit post so I’m sorry if Im not giving enough detail or too much!!)
Edit: he DOES have a job but struggles to save his money!!
Comments
Well, have you ever talked to him about that?
You are Too young to be with someone you resent. Also, learn to communicate. If you don’t like some thing, learn to speak and discuss. Will help you in a long run
I would just be honest about your feelings
Also sit.down and ruminate on whether you feel differently if he was more responsible and you didn’t have to do as much for him
The answer might surprise you
So, what does he say when you tell him you’d like him to get his drivers license and to be more responsible with money? Is he not interested in having his own car one day?
Never stay with someone or go against what your gut or your brain is telling you because you feel bad about hurting their feelings or that “you’re terrible.”
You feel how you feel – there’s no changing it. It’s like having a headache – you can’t just “decide” to not have a headache anymore.
Prolonging the inevitable will only make it hurt more. Pull off the band aid and let your and his healing begin now, instead of going through the motions for weeks and months knowing that you’re going to end it with him soon anyway.
It’ll give you both a jump on finding new relationships as well.
He doesn’t have to do anything wrong for you to be unhappy with and wanting to leave the relationship. There’s not likely any good way to tell him, either.
In the end you’re unhappy and that’s enough. It will be very hard on him.
It’s possible to love a person but not love being with said person. Seems like you want him to offer things he isn’t offering, and may never offer. If he doesn’t show willingness to change to accommodate those needs, and in this case I think they’re very rational needs, best to go your separate ways. You want something with a future, and if something as basic as his physical dependence on you to this extent won’t change that may be the best.
Tell him he needs to get his stuff in check if he wants to keep you I have had to do this granted she ended up trying to hook up with my room mate a few months later and he put her on blast
He’s a bum? if you see no potential then drop him
How did he get groceries and get around before he met you? Tell him to go back to doing that
Why hasn’t he got his license or a job? Sounds to me like he’s lazy and unambitious and happy to leech off you and is happy accepting that you will be limited by him. He probably is lovely, but you seem to have different priorities. That’s a valid reason to break up.
22 years old with no license? but he’s got himself a sugar momma. girl, run. find a MAN with a job, and a car, maybe even a house, who will love you more.
this joker could make himself better for you. he has chosen not to do that.
Your life is your story, not his.
Is it possible that you could communicate with him about some of your feelings? Like maybe ask about him getting his license or something? Communication is key in relationships, but ultimately if your feelings of love are fading it might be better to break up
Without reading any details: Yes.
He is doing something very wrong, he is using you as his personal uber driver. He needs to adult, get a car and license and save his money. He is simply too immature for a relationship right now. Break up, move on.
Why does he not have his license? Is this something voluntary or state imposed? Career path for him? How does he make money especially without a license??
don’t go to the internet for dating advice, just a heads up. talk to him about the struggles and be transparent and work to fix it. you’re gonna get advice from ppl who only think negatively abt relationships online.
That’s a deadbeat.
That doesn’t miraculously change.
Being honest is a respectable mature thing. Step into those shoes and see what happens, it’s life
You would rather break up with someone who sounds like they have a lot of great qualities rather than sit down and communicate your frustrations? Wild.
I think the biggest question here is WHY does he struggle with money? Does he not make enough, does he support family, or does he just have really bad spending habits? At the very least I would suggest getting to the bottom of that and maybe helping encourage him to save better
I was your age when I had a boyfriend like that. I resented how motivated he was and he also didn’t have a license at the time. I communicated my feelings and decided to end the relationship but we still remain friends.Well he is a lawyer now and affords anything he wants. I still wouldn’t trade my husband now for him, but he’s 21 if he is a good guy allow him to grow up. I am not saying stay but there is definitely pee in the dating pool and finding a good person is rarer than finding a financially secure one.
I was in a similar situation, but from the guy’s perspective. I didn’t have my shit together, but my girlfriend basically sat me down and had a talk with me. I agreed on how I was lacking in my life, and she helped guide me. I came from a household that didn’t support me, and she was the first one that brought me up. 13 years later, we are married with a beautiful daughter, and she’s a stay at home mom and we live a fantastic life.
Maybe have a talk with him and let him know how you feel.
You’ve already ruined him and don’t even know it yet. I hope I don’t meet one of you. Instead of helping, you’ll just leave. You’re a product of your generation. very sad.
A scrub is a guy that thinks he’s fly
And is also known as a buster
Always talkin’ about what he wants
And just sits on his broke ass
So, no
I don’t want your number, no.
I don’t want to give you mine and, no,
I don’t want to meet you nowhere, no.
I don’t want none of your time and, no,
[Chorus:]
I don’t want no scrub
A scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me
Hanging out the passenger side
Of his best friend’s ride
Trying to holler at me
I don’t want no scrub
A scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me
Hanging out the passenger side
Of his best friend’s ride
Trying to holler at me
But a scrub is checkin’ me
But his game is kinda weak
And I know that he cannot approach me
‘Cause I’m lookin’ like class and he’s lookin’ like trash
Can’t get with a dead-beat ass
So, no
I don’t want your number, no.
I don’t want to give you mine and, no,
I don’t want to meet you nowhere, no.
I don’t want none of your time, no.
Is there anything actually prohibiting him from getting his license such as a disability? And what is he spending his money on that prevents him from saving? What’s his job, if I may ask?
I think the most helpful thing I can say is this; just because someone loves you or even if you love them too, that is not always enough to stay in a relationship and doesn’t automatically make you compatible. So if you remove his feelings out of the question think about how you really feel.
It helps to think about it sometimes from a third person – imagine a friend telling you about this and what you would advise them.
Have an open discussion with him about your concerns and give him a month or two to see if he can address them. It would be nice to give him a chance instead of pulling the carpet out from under his feet. If things aren’t better in two months then jump ship.
Yes you have said it yourself; you resent him so you can’t go on resenting your man so break up time it is. I am sorry for your possible loss but there are other fish in the sea.
you are piece of shit
My situation is similae but the outcome is different so I want to tell you a bit about it.
My gf has no license and lives 30 mins away and i visit her 3 times a week. I also pick up her groceries sometimes and take her to appointments or her mums house (45 minutes away). She also doesn’t have a job and is on a pension but she insists on paying for meals and dates with the little she has. She also gives back in a lot of other ways and I feel very appreciated. She finds ways to make it up to me. I feel loved and appreciated.
It sounds like this guy might not appreciate you or isn’t finding ways to balance the effort you are putting in for him. It might not be the things you have to do that build resentment but rather you can feel he is taking what you do for granted.
I’d have a bit more of a think about this but if it was a good relationship with a balance of give and take I think you wouldn’t build resentment.
Hope my experience was relevent and helped you a bit.
Walk, if you are feeling resentment now, just walk.
This is what happens when we start relationships with people we don’t actually know. Once we get to know them, we realize we don’t like them anymore. This has the opportunity to be a great lesson for you. Make sure to not repeat the mistake that got you in this relationship in the first place and with the next person you date, try and get to know them some before you jump into bed and into a relationship with them. You wouldn’t rent an apartment without knowing anything about it. Same with the car. And you will probably be with a partner for a similar amount of time that you would have either of those things, so why not put the same level of research and Care into finding that partner that you would when making a large purchase or life change?
Just don’t be his maid. Explain that you don’t mind helping him sometimes but that you need to feel like he’s self-dependent and self-sustainable and is bringing more value to the relationship than love/affection. Good times don’t pay bills and you want somebody who’s going to be solid through good and bad
There’s a lot of guys out there. I’d drop this one for now, even though it’s hard. You’ll be doing yourself a favor.
Maybe it will motivate him to get his life together, but it probably won’t!
I know people in their 30s who are still stuck in this cycle. They love to complain!
If you decide to stay with him, try just helping him less even if that means you don’t get to hangout. It’s possible he will figure out more ways to meet you half way if you aren’t doing all the work just because it seems like the most convenient thing.
This is also a totally valid reason for a breakup in an otherwise loving relationship though. Especially at your age. There is something to be said for being close with people going easier or better for everyone if y’all have enough similarness. Alternatively, if you were so wealthy that you could just buy him a car without blinking, that would be cool, but you aren’t and it’s not your fault if y’all have different lifestyle needs or whatever.
This younger generation is cooked 😂😂😂
the answer is yes
Honestly, it just sounds like you’re looking for a “good reason” to break up with him.
You haven’t spoken one word about how you love him or want him or this relationship. You give him praise as if it’s just a logical thing not to break up (he’s great, sweet, considerate, don’t want to break his heart, he loves me so much).
It’s almost as if you know that breaking up with him contradicts logics (“he’s a good guy, would be a waste”), but it doesn’t sound like you really fell for him. You’re trying to spare his pain, and convince yourself he’s a great guy, so why “can’t you fall in love with him?” – maybe it’s the license thing!
No.. I think you’re just not into HIM, you’re into the idea of how good of a bf material he is. And that’s not good enough for a relationship. If you don’t really want the guy, you can’t seem to fall for him, spare him, show some mercy, and let him loose, you deserve someone you love, he deserves someone who loves him truly.
No right or reason needed, sometimes it just isn’t “it”.
Reddit will tell you to break up with him. I think you should ignore them and consider the situation yourself.
As someone who started dating my own gf without a licence and I paid for my own cab ride to and from our first date ($20 both ways) and vehemently refused to accept rides from her he seems like a problem already. My gf and I also talked about me not driving and she asked me to work towards my licence and I have. Did a drivers training class and going to start a couple road tests, talk to him and give him the chance to improve if he doesn’t remove yourself from the relationship.
Just know if it’s like this now, it’ll never change.
You know. I feel for the guy. I lost my license a while at his age being a jackass with history of legal trouble and a depressed loser. I had no job or direction. My girlfriend – now wife- had to drive me around and support me.
Now I make good money at a great job and my wife doesn’t work. I bought her a big house and we have three kids in private school.
Our song. Is Elton John, Your Song for this reason!
I guess just try to inspire him and make him feel like he is worth something. The grass is not always greener with someone else. You never know what is gonna happen!
I guess I have not met him or know the whole situation. But I dunno. I can just relate to him.
If you feel like the love isn’t there on YOUR end and You feel like all this is making you love him less. End it. Like you said, you can feel the resentment growing and the last thing you want is for you to be a ticking time bomb.
BUT, does he know how you feel? Have you had a conversation about it? If not, I think it’s only fair to do so because you never know what changes he can make based of him seeing how it affects you. Breaking something off without ever discussing something is already giving up on the relationship and that can be very telling. (I mean that in a ‘you know yourself’ kind of way)
If you don’t want to end it quite yet…If he doesn’t make any changes, he will always rely on you unless you put your foot down and tell him you’re not doing those favors for him anymore. Why can’t he take the bus? Why can’t he buy a little cart and walk to the grocery store? Or get the groceries delivered? Why can’t he buy himself a bike and use that to go to work? Etc. These are all options he has if you stop doing things for him. If he’s not willing, keep it pushin, girl.
And this is coming from someone who’s partner also doesn’t drive in the 10+ years we been together. I bought him a a bike so he had no excuse to not buy one – this one investment made a huge difference in a lot of ways of our relationship. I don’t regret it. Hope this helps!
He is immature and at this point not ready for a serious relationship. He is acting like a looser. Hope he grows and becomes a productive member of society.
You don’t need to stay with someone you don’t like, but ultimately it’s a good lesson is setting and communicating boundaries, expectations, and goals. Treat it as an opportunity first, and then a decision if he can’t grow with you.
Yes, he needs to grow up. Be honest with him and tell him why you are breaking up with him so he can hopefully learn from this and improve himself.
It’s very nice of you to get his groceries etc, but that is not your job. I wonder if unintentionally staying stagnant because he knows you’ll take care of it. Sometimes people don’t take advantage of others on purpose
Regardless, resentment festers in the dark just like mold!
Why not teach him how to drive?
He needs a license. You can help. Then maybe the two of you work together find a decent first car for him.
This could be an opportunity for a deeper relationship…
You’ll break up with everyone you date or they’ll break up with you, until you meet the right person and don’t. Break up with him if your gut tells you too. You’ll hurt him much harder if you string him along, only to break up later. Just take a deep breath and tell him you need time alone. He’ll be fine. No one ever died from a broken heart and he won’t either.
He sounds like he has a case of the patriarchal weaponized incompetence. Dump his ass.
You can break up with someone for whatever reason. Will you break his heart? Probably. However, do you know that’s worse? Staying with someone because you don’t want to hurt their feelings. You’ll be wasting each other’s time. You’re young, but you will eventually get to an age where time is invaluable.
I get you are trying to be nice but if he cant pay for your needs and you feel like seeing him is a chore then do it. Still kinda shitty tho
always remember that communication is key
Would him not having a license be a big deal if you didn’t have to drive him everywhere? I get how you feel about saving money part though.
A mentor once told me to look for trajectory. Does he check boxes other guys don’t? Is he otherwise headed in the right direction?
In the grand scheme of life, you’re at ages where no one expects you to have it figured out, and does expect you to still have “flaws” like these.
Is it confrontational or is it communicative? Think of it that way.
Good luck getting any of us to the DMV – it sucks. I’m highly motivated, but there are some tasks you’d think I had no brain cells for. That’s one of them. But if I have a buddy, I’ll do it! Be his buddy. There is surely something like that in your life, too?
Does he have ADHD? That could be a factor.
A lot of ppl don’t have their licenses, which I don’t understand, but I think that’s generational, not “his flaw.”
I would start with telling him how you feel and talk about it.
What do you want from him that he can’t give?
Guys who sleep with someone on the first night are not great guys. They’re manchildren who have a preoccupation with sex. No wonder he can’t provide. The man wouldn’t know what delayed gratification meant if its definition was inside your pants.
My best friend is dating someone that doesn’t drive and she’s repeatedly said shes gonna get her license month after month. They’ve been together over two years now and still no license. To make matters worse he bought a house, and she doesn’t pay for bills, food, or the mortgage. She’s mooching off of him, and now that he’s come down from cloud nine feeling like the breadwinner of the household he’s absolutely miserable.
Among other issues it’s a huge point of conflict between them at this point and while I know he still cares for her, he’s really starting to fall out of love for her due to her constant dependency and lack of willingness to even try to provide for herself. I don’t see them lasting another month or two, and unless you’ve discussed with your boyfriend how this makes you feel and how he needs to start being able to provide for himself he’s just going to keep depending on you.
It would not be right or wrong to break up you are just dating and don’t have any children with him.
There is nothing that says that you should or shouldn’t be with him.
Unless he lives in a area that has public transportation, he should be working towards a license and vehicle, especially if you all are in the US.
He needs to do it for himself and not because you threaten to quit the relationship.
You aren’t married you don’t need to fix him its not your responsibility. You can encourage him to do better for himself.
What happens if you die tomorrow or you break up how will be get around? Will you come from the grave to drive him about?
He has to do better for himself because no one is going to save him
Start by having open communication with him tell him that you’re feeling frustrated and resentful and that you no longer going to act like his mother that you absolutely will not pick up or drop off groceries. If he was able to figure that out before you came along he can continue figuring that out on his own with Help of his actual mother.
It isn’t that he’s done nothing wrong. He’s out his responsibility on you, and made little effort to be an equal participant in the relationship.
It’s OK to want something for yourself. It’s OK to expect him to put forth some effort to see you, take you out, treat you, return the favors you do regularly for him.
It’s up to him to choose his priorities. He’s taking advantage of you rather than work out how to meet his own needs. That’s not love or kindness, it’s convenient.
you’re not going to resent your partner LESS over time.
Waiting for the post where you say, my new bf has a car but he is not sweet or loves me at all. In a relationship, sometimes we focus on the 10% we dont have and forget abt 90% we have. We only realize wht we lost, until we lose it.
Communicate.
If he is having trouble managing his money, have you asked why?
Obviously the easy answer is to break up, but maybe he just doesn’t know how to budget, how to manage his money.
If you could help him do that, he’d be better off regardless of where your relationship ends up. And you won’t have any questions about if he’s the guy who got away.
“ my first time doing that “
Lmao
Tell him to “save money better or else” first?
He’s 22 without a car or a license and has a job and he struggles to save money, he is a complete waste… unless his parents are that bad you can try to fix him by babysitting him and being his mom… but imo thats never worth it
Since he’s a great guy and you like him, tell him frankly that this has become a relationship threatening situation. Be specific, very specific.
I recommend the shit sandwich technique.
First good things (great guy, appreciate how be treats you, and anything else).
Second, problem (divers license so that you’re not a taxi because you feel taken advantage of, savings plan because you feel apprehensive about a future with a financially irresponsible partner, etc.), along with specific suggestions to address the problems and a pledge of support.
Third, a restatement of why you want to be with them how much you love and care for them and your desire to continue the relationship.
This ain’t easy to do. And you have to weigh the value of the relationship vs. your discomfort with confrontation/conflict. That said, learning to stay calm in conflict in order to resolve it is critically important for your future happiness, whether it’s with this person or any other as there will be conflict in any relationship.
He’s only so sweet and affectionate to compensate for being lazy and a bum.
I find it extremely shallow to have such strong feelings because he can’t drive. I drive my male partner around everywhere too. I guess the main difference is that I prefer to be the one driving and my fiance doesn’t know how to drive a manual transmission. I do (obv since I own one).
That said, if you’re not happy, you should break up. You have so much life left ahead of you. Don’t be held back wasting your 20s when you don’t like what you have.
You could also try communicating with him. If you feel like you can’t, then that’s a huge red flag right there. Does he even know how important him getting his license is to you? A lot of younger people these days don’t get a driver’s license.
Does he have a job?If not…Is he going to school?Is he responsible?
Just break up with him. He’ll learn. Unless u guys legitimately wanna tough it out for the long term of course.
Wow! He lucked out and got a girlfriend/Uber driver/ Uber Eats. Let me guess, he lives with his parents, right? Sounds like future husband material to me. Just waiting on you to buy your own ring.
why can’t you tell him “having to drive you everywhere is becoming a drain on me. i really need you to get your own license”?
Yes. It will only get worse.
At this time in your life you should be growing and changing. It sounds like you are doing that. You can’t drag him along with you. He can decide to get it together and improve his station… or not. But you shouldn’t be schlepping him all over town. You’d think he’d be mortified. But you do owe him a conversation about this. How else would he know. And if it is easier to break up with him than have a hard conversation, you can’t be really all that invested. It will be a good growth opportunity. You may do it badly, but you’ll get better at it. You’ve nothing to lose… but if you share how you feel maybe he’ll decide to get it in gear, and this will be one of many tough conversations you have over the next 60 years.
15 minutes isn’t a lot really, in time or fuel.
If it feels like a burden, set some limits.
He’s 22 and doesn’t drive. This is a massive red flag. So you are dating a couch potato. That is great in high school but in college years it’s sad.