For context, my bf (23m) and I (f21) have been together for a year and 6 months. Pretty much the whole time I have struggled with my attraction towards him.
The main issue that has been causing me distress is that he reminds me of the person who sexually molested me in childhood.
He’s a wonderful person in many aspects, he cares about my wellbeing, he spends time with me, he and his family have welcomed me into their life with open arms.
This weekend I cancelled on a camping trip with his family due to extreme burn out. I haven’t had a weekend to myself for 18 months and it finally caught up to me.
I talked to my mom and she encouraged me to do what I felt was right so I asked for a break. He was upset but understood. I’m very conflicted as to whether or not I want to be in this relationship anymore.
The bad parts? When I’m not feeling into sex and I tell him “no” he moans and groans about how “uncomfortable” he is until I eventually just give in so I don’t have to hear about it anymore. He constantly drags me to gaming tournaments I don’t want to go to, and he obsesses over me joining him in whatever he’s playing even if I’ve told him that I don’t want to.
I feel like the obvious answer is better boundaries, but I’m not sure if I want to put the time and energy into fixing a relationship with someone that already doesn’t respect what little boundaries I’ve put up. I feel as though it would be an uphill battle to constantly lay down more and more rules for him to just cross.
If anyone has any insight into how I should go about this (fixing or giving up) I’d love to hear it.
Comments
He can be the best person and still not be the best for you. Sounds like he’s got some serious growing up to do if he can’t take no for an answer, sexually that’s very concerning
Sounds like you don’t like this relationship and he’s not listening, so…
Break up date us
I’m really sorry you’re going through all of this. It sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot of emotional weight for a long time, and that’s not fair to you.
The fact that your boyfriend reminds you of someone who hurt you in the past is not a small issue. That kind of trauma response is REAL, and you absolutely deserve to feel safe and comfortable in your relationship. No one should live in a constant state of emotional conflict just trying to be with someone.
Also, the way he responds when you say “no” to sex… pressuring you by complaining or guilt-tripping you until you give in is a serious red flag. That’s not okay. Consent is supposed to be enthusiastic and respected, not something you give because it’s easier than being made to feel guilty. There is a lot to be said about people like that but I’ll just say I tend to keep my distance from them.
When someone repeatedly ignores your clearly stated boundaries (dragging you to events, pushing hobbies on you, crossing intimate lines), it’s exhausting. You shouldn’t have to constantly fight to have your needs respected.
And from the sound of it, you’re already burnt out. That’s your mind and body waving a big red flag. Of course boundaries are important, but if you feel like it would take constant effort just to get the bare minimum respect, you’re allowed to ask yourself: “Do I even want to keep doing this?”
You don’t need to keep a relationship going just because someone’s a “good person” on paper. Even kind people can still be incompatible with your healing. You’re not selfish for choosing peace, safety, and emotional rest… especially after everything you’ve been through.
Whatever you decide, you deserve to be in a relationship that supports you, respects you, and doesn’t make you feel triggered or drained. Sending you strength 💚🪷
Personally, I wouldn’t stay with anyone who uses emotional manipulation on a regular basis. That isn’t wonderful or caring.
I feel like you’ve already decided and just need validation so here it is: break up with him
Yes definitely you should break up with him if you don’t feel the same as him. It would be the best move for both of you otherwise you guys will get hurt in longer run if u continue
oh wow! at first I was going to tell you that you that you needed to end things for his sake.. it is not fair you keep comparing him to the person that hurt you in the past…
but after reading more it sounds like he is disrespectful and manipulative when it comes to getting his way… so… you should end that relationship because he does not sound like a good partner… bottom line.. you don’t need to tie yourself to a person that requires all this work and overthinking… ..
You’ve been together a year and a half despite him reminding you of an abuser. That must’ve taken a lot of work on your part. Sounds like whomever you end up with though, or even if you stay, some counselling could be helpful.
Don’t go to tournaments you don’t want to. Take time to yourself. Say no and stick to it even though it’s hard.
Usually by the time people ask for a break they really mean breakup. If the negatives outweigh the positives and you don’t view working on boundaries etc as worth your effort, you know in your heart what to do.
It sounds like you are pretty “wishy washy” about the relationship overall. I remember asking a counselor once to help me make up my mind about a relationship and was told to make a list of his good qualities, and a list of those qualities that bothered me, and let the longest list make up my mind.
Yes. I think you already know the answer but you are here on Reddit looking for validation and confirmation. Breaking up is hard, but only for a short time, and then you’ll be in a better situation. Break up with him when he comes back from camping; don’t drag this out.
“Can we talk…. I’ve been thinking about this for a while and I’ve decided I want to break up. You’re a great guy, but I know in my heart this isn’t working out for me. Thank you for accepting my choice.” And you can arrange to return any of his things you have and vice versa.
he s still acting like a child which doesn’t surprise me considering this generation of men are mostly into gaming and wasting time (I’m a millennial), and
You haven’t solved your sexual abuse trauma.
There s no point of leaving him over this issue, because the next man will remind of you of it, and the next and the next, until you see a professional about it and process it.
The sexual part is very concerning
Hey, it’s completely understandable to feel this way. From what you have said, and my point of view is feels that you are not receiving emotional and physical respect, which is not okay. You need to feel safe, heard, and at ease in your relationship rather than feeling worn down or triggered. It is perfectly fine to walk away, even from a person with good traits, if the relationship is more harmful than beneficial to you.
Key Points to Think About (and u dont need to read long paragraph also🫡):
Trauma Matters: if he reminds you of your abuser, feeling triggered is a heavy load to carry, and your discomfort is absolutely justified.
Coercive Behavior: Coercive behaviors are not acceptable. “Wearing you down” is a clear indication of a lack of respect.
Good traits do not outweigh harm: Even if he is “kind” in some ways, you are not obliged to emotionally carry the burden of resolving these issues.
You don’t have to fix it: If you do not have the determination to give energy and in your mind the strength to try, it is completely okay to walk away and not “fix” anything.
You deserve a relationship where your personal boundaries are respected and where you can feel safe emotionally. Trust your instincts.
In the end it matters only to you so take each step being mindful, and sometimes also there are many complicated chemistry between partners so, somehow it leads to more trustful relation or sometimes to breakup too.
Both sides should talk about your feelings even it may not sound good but you must share so that the second person must also know that what you are going through.
i hope u got my point
Yes, him not listening or respecting you when you say no to sex is a strong indication that he actually doesn’t respect or listen to you at all, unfortunately it’s a dealbreaker in a relationship.
You’re letting him break you down.
Sounds like he is trying to reshape you into the girlfriend that he wants, a tournament going gamer who is ready for sex whenever he is. If this is not the life that you want, wave it goodbye
I would break up with him for the fact he cannot take no for an answer. I would leave him immediately. Especially with your trauma. There is no fixing a relationship where one person is constantly in control and unwilling to respect you and your choices.
He reminds you of your abuser.
He sexually pressures you knowing you’ve been abused.
He has no concern for your needs. It’s a one-sided relationship.
Why are you asking, exactly?
Aside from the relationship it sounds like counseling would help you a lot. It’s normal to have a PTSD response when something reminds you of your trauma but it can be crippling.