35M dating 29 F for year and a half. She comes from a Muslim family and I come from catholic, though not religious. She isn’t either. Her dad was immediately against our relationship because I said I would not convert to Islam. First meeting with her parents I was pretty fake and the dad seemed to be ok with me even though he did bring up religion. Since that meeting, I’ve written him off as someone I will never get along with. There’s been a few family parties since then and we don’t even look at each other. It’s like a mutual understanding that we hate each other. My girlfriend confirmed he thinks I’m dumb and doesn’t like me and probably never will but she can’t change him. Agrees he’s an asshole. She said he expected me to kiss his ass and make a good impression. Im a reserved guy and don’t talk a lot in big crowds or around people I just met. I’m also supposed to ask this guy for permission to marry his daughter. Which he may say no, and cause a big fight. It’s a formality, she would still marry me. But I don’t know if I want to sign up for a life of this weird family dynamic. It’s exhausting. Is it worth putting yo with this weird tension? Or can he inevitably cause permanent problems?
TLDR – girlfriend’s dad is Muslim and I’m not. Hates me and “tolerates” me. Mad I didn’t kiss his ass. It causes issues between me and girlfriend. Should I get out of this situation?
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Why do you have to ask his permission to marry her? She wants you to do that?
Are you dating her or her dad? Because I’m confused. Why do you care what he thinks? If she likes you, that’s what matters.
Yes, move on. This would not be worth the drama. This will eventually be an ongoing marital problem you can’t resolve. There are other families and partners that you can enjoy out in the world.
If you’re committed to the long haul and she’s on the same page, you should try to extend an olive branch. Tell him that you don’t agree with him but you’re willing to respect him and that’s all you ask in return. He will either get with the program or at least accept the reality of the situation.
If you’ve already decided it’s too much trouble and isn’t worth trying, then you should break up. Not because her dad doesn’t approve but because she deserves a man who is willing to fight for her. This is not an accusation, it’s a plea for you to objectively assess your own feelings and act accordingly
I’ve been in your shoes and it didn’t end well. I became an outcast of the group. Some liked me in the family but I was the outsider sorta. It created tension in the relationship.
I don’t know if I want to spend my life with someone whose dad hates me just for existing.
Love is strong, but… is it enough to put up with a family that despises you
Maybe you made a bad first impression as he picked up you were “Fake”, and is judging you based off that. He can’t be overly religious if he is okay with his daughter dated a non-muslim, or dating in general. You’re 35, but sound like you are 21.
If you marry, live hours away from her family, otherwise this will not be a good situation. You need to think about future children and how this comes into play. Do you want grandparents to be involved in their lives, to be able to gather for birthdays, holidays, etc. Do you want them to see their father being ignored and disrespected by their grandfather? Do you want him to fill their heads with things you don’t believe in, or agree with? There are so many things to consider when making a lifelong commitment and decision. Best of luck!
Here’s the thing:
When you marry someone, you marry her family as well, to whatever extent she has them in her life.
Do you want to have a lifelong commitment to being hated and looked down upon and Very Carefully Ignored ever time there is a family gathering that you and she go to?
There’s no right or wrong answer to that question; it’s really just a matter of what you do or do not want in your life. No one can tell you whether it’s worth it to you to have that kind of family dynamic.
It would be a completely different question if she were estranged from her family…but if she’s close with her family, then her family is going to be in her life frequently and regularly…and therefore in yours as well.
If the life you want is one that includes a harmonious (or, at the very least, neutral) relationship with extended family…
…you’re not going to get it with this woman.
Do you even love her? This seems like one of those times you should have made sure her dad likes you. Pissing contests with the father of your lady was not a good idea. You can fix this if you want to. Hopefully, she is worth it.
As long as you and your partner are rock solid, this can work. If you’re not, if there will be moments when she wants to choose them over you (which is natural for most people), this will cause a lot of tension. Think about your future with her. If you don’t live super close and grandkids aren’t going to cause issues, this is a challenge you can live with as long as you have open communication with her. Most families have some weird dynamic. However, if you forsee this causing tension between you and her in the future, then it might be time to consider ending the relationship. People can change and accept new family members, it often just takes time.
What happens when you want kids?
Has she told her parents she isn’t religious?
So often big religious differences do not work out because they trickle down to so many things and it really isn’t as simple as “oh I don’t go to church/practice”, it’s also a whole values system and culture that defines how families are structured
My in laws don’t like me and never have. It’s okay though because my husband does. And that’s always been enough for me. They have grandchildren now that don’t even know them and they are actually better off for it. I had an ex whose family adored me but he was abusive to me. If you can win the lottery on perfect partner with a perfect family, I guess you won’t regret leaving your current girlfriend too much.
Imagine what will happen when you have kids.
My wife’s family is fundy Xtian and I am atheist/agnostic. It’s a constant dance to work around it.
Cut ties and move on. If this is friction now, imagine when they want to circumcised your child, call him Mo, etc.
If she sides either daddy now, you may lose access to your kids after this.
Obviously people here will have varying perspectives on this depending on values. Is it more important to you that her dad approves of you or that she does? Family dynamics tend to be complicated, this isn’t really that uncommon. Only you can decide what your own priorities are here. It sounds like her priority is you, she’s choosing to stay with you despite her dad’s disapproval. He may never approve of anyone she dates. Sometimes parents are just like that. She clearly loves you enough to look past that, but it sounds like you can’t. That’s not really something anyone here can help you with. Either she’s worth it to you or she isn’t. She can’t help who her dad is anymore than you can. The situation isn’t ideal but you might not ever find a relationship where everything is perfect. Family dynamics are complicated more often than not. This is about your priorities and what you think your partner is worth.