I’m East Asian (34f) so keep in mind that my family dynamics can be different but I’m more American in my views of life.
I’ve been the ‘scapegoat’ of my family, for those of you who are familiar with this loaded term.
I financed my younger brother with college, roughly $100k +. (I didn’t pay off my student dept yet)
Financed my mom (64f) since Covid with $3000 per month since 2020.
I don’t make a lot of money, I stretched myself very thin.
No one plans to pay me back or appreciate it. Just felt like it was my duty and just shut up and did it. My mom was a single mom who did her best to send us to private school, living above her means. Guess it was my way of paying her back in ways I could.. but of course this isn’t enough for my brother or mother.
I’m feeling angry now that I’m processing all this shit. Where do I begin to feel better? Where do I begin to process the guilt that my mom might die in a ditch alone if I don’t support her?
FYI- brother doesn’t contact me or mom. Ungrateful shit family. I know.
Comments
Only options for a nonworking adult are crashing your couch, homelessness, social security, or disability. Generally I separate my parents humanity from their character (i.e. I wouldn’t even let prisoners live without their needs met)
You’ve got two different things going on here.
Your title says “should I continue financially supporting my mother”
Pretty sure that’s not a genuine question, you’re going to do it anyway.
My opinion is to just be honest with my family when they try to scapegoat me. I am not flat-out rude, but I also won’t blithely live in the world they made up in their minds so as to avoid reality.
There’s some satisfaction in that for me, which helps. I do more than my fair share so I can live with myself per my value system (e.g. I don’t want to be a person who goes no contact with their mother, even though I’d be within my rights).
So start needling back — tell your brother you need $ to secure your future and take care of your mother. When you do things for people and they don’t express gratitude say, “You’re welcome.” Call people out for having bad manners, etc. etc.
Do women in your culture typically work? I’m Italian and education, working were of little importance. My family has been asking me when I’m getting married since I got in my 20s