i ask that everyone is respectful and keeps an open mind while reading this. involves lots of betrayal and unmanaged mental illness.
its a hot mess..
just for context,
i grew up in a very abusive household. i was SA by my father and physically and mentally abused by my mother. this ended in divorce very early on in my life, but the abuse from my mom continues til this day.
my father was a pdfile and groomed me into believing his ways were normal. this resulted in me getting into very dangerous situations through out my life after he left. i was passed around Kik pdf groups at 8yo, was on dating apps at 12, and was being raped by men I was meeting up with to get money at 13-15.
I grew up EXTREMELY poor with a single mother and 3 other siblings. money was scarce and it was rare that we got what we wanted on birthdays or holidays, i do appreciate my mothers efforts now that im older but as a child i heavily resented her for it.
as a rebellious teen i took “matters into my own hands” and did everything I could to get the things i wanted. I started catfishing on Instagram while using my actual face on dating apps. talking to old men online felt familiar to me, and almost rewarding since i was receiving gifts and money..it wasn’t long until I started meeting up with them, which eventually lead to drug use. I battled drug abuse from 12 up until i was 19.
I unfortunately met my boyfriend in the midst of everything. I was catfishing him for 6 months when i realized he wasn’t like every other guy i was getting money from. He actually was concerned for my well being, and never expected anything sexual from me. This felt so foreign..i was never told “i love you” growing up, and this made me very vulnerable to people’s abuse. But with him, it felt different? like he actually meant it when he said it. We would stay up all night talking, and it got to a point that I didn’t even care about getting money from him.. I just wanted to hear about his day:( i was so blinded by this feeling that I forgot that I was lying about who I was the whole time. He eventually ended up finding out that the account I was running was a fake, and I was so scared that I was gonna lose the only person who cared about me. So I dug my whole deeper and messaged him from my main acc and lied, i pretended that it wasn’t me running that acc and it was actually someone “I knew” and he believed it:( i feel horrible about this now but i was 15, a literal child in a dysfunctional home. And he was naive and came from a family that sheltered him.
we started dating, he was 20 and i was 15 and he knew my age and my current mental state and my living situation. and compared to the other men i was talking to at the time, a 5 year age gap didn’t seem bad. and like I said, he never expected anything sexual for me he just wanted connection as much as I did. my family didn’t say anything as usual so I didn’t see the problem at the time. We’re also long distance so I had only ever met him ONCE in the first year of us dating. the first 3 years were the hardest..I was on drugs, traumatized and was very toxic, and he stayed through it all. After 3 years of dating I ended up taking my BPD more seriously and started going to therapy more consistently. I confessed to lying to him about everything and got clean. fast forward and we’re in our 5th year of dating, im no longer on drugs and am currently trying to get my life back. Im back in school, and going to therapy as often as i can.
the older i get the more uncomfortable i get with our age gap. Im 20 now and I couldn’t fathom being romantically involved with someone who’s 15. don’t even get me started on sexually. It makes my stomach turn knowing my bf slept with me when I was that young.
I know I haven’t been the best partner or friend, but I can’t shake this weird feeling I get around him. i genuinely think we’ve trauma bonded over the crazy things I’ve put us through.
I love him with all of my heart, and I can’t see myself being with ANYONE else, he’s my soulmate. But sometimes I question myself. I never knew love outside of him. He was my first actual boyfriend. Is it wrong for me to feel strange? The main reason I was putting myself in horrible situations was so that someone could “take care of me” and I unfortunately catch myself still expecting that.
My bf is 25 now and has never had a job while weve been dating. The first few years I was the one making money off of creepy men. I paid for everything. He eventually started a small business to support us, but it just turned into him making enough money to buy more weed and cigarettes.
When I confront him on it he throws my past in my face.. making me feel bad that he stayed with me during my addiction..
I don’t know what to do anymore. I love him but I feel like I’ve outgrown him. I got clean and have matured since we’ve started dating, and it seems like he’s still the same guy I met. I feel lost. I know this is a VERY serious situation that should probably be addressed with a professional but I can’t itch this feeling…i have no friends and really need an outside perspective.
‼️ I understand that AGE GAPS ARE WRONG. I was naive and didn’t know anything outside of pdfiles, please give me grace i learned my lesson and im currently learning more as i age and go to therapy ‼️
Comments
Age gaps are a funny thing. But i understand the view point. Honestly what it boils down to is your mental health. If being with him no longer supports a healthy mindset, its over. At this point its comfortable. But really you fell for him because he cared and you already been through more than what you should have by 15 so being with someone your age wasnt going to be a “thing”. 20 is still pretty young mentally but legal in the eyes of the government. Really its no whos right and whos wrong.
No one should have to go threw that. Tbh your boyfriend took advantage of you too. Maybe you should take a break from any romantic or sexual things for a while and see how things go. Good luck!
You’re upset for the right reasons. And I enter this convo as someone who grew up in a similar situation to you. I experience a lot of similar things. I understand fully what it’s like, to literally just want stability from someone, from literally anyone no matter who they are or what they do. If we’re being realistic, yeah that’s very concerning he was willing to get involved romantically with a child, because that’s what you were, just a child. I know from first hand experience that you repeat cycles your parents put you through, and this feels like one of those. Groomed by a parent can move to being groomed by a partner. It happens, it’s extremely common, and I’ve experienced it myself. I spent 5 years attached to a bad partner from 15-20 just because it was better than going back home. It was hard to leave that because for the first time I had family like his mom and sister. I didn’t even really like him. Like you did, I outgrew him. I just craved a family and stability so bad. I had to leave around your age and my life has been immensely better for it. And I know you probably feel guilt for leaving something that feels stable, but you never need an excuse to break up with someone you simply don’t want to date. We get so hung up on needing a reason. You’re right to have all the feelings that you do. But if something doesn’t feel right sometimes you need to trust your gut. And obviously see a therapist if you don’t already, just saying this stuff out loud is enough to put things together. It helped me immensely in being able to plan my next steps. It’s hard, but you can make it out the other side as a healthy adjusted adult. I promise.
I always wondered, if he never did anything wrong, always took care of you, never made you feel unsafe, never groomed you and so on, does it really matter? Your life improved massively due to him right? He helped you out of your hole, right? Why can’t you be happy with the relationship that you have? Unless there is something wrong with it, which doesn’t seem to be the case
I think the main issue here is that you’re ready to get your life together (amazing for you, honestly you’re one in a million to make it through all that and keep going in a positive direction) – while he seems content with being a bum.
You’ve outgrown him, more than anything else, just like you said.
Yes you should end it. This guy is a predatory creep.