Should I (f34) give her (f27) another chance?
Tldr; she left me for another woman. It didn’t work out. I moved interstate and she wants me back. Should I give her another chance?
I met this woman at a party 18 months ago, we hit it off instantly and towed the friendship line for months. When we both realized that it was beginning to cross a line, we decided to go no contact so that we could focus on ourselves (in my case, the end of my long term relationship).
Once I separated and gave it some thought, I asked her if we could speak and I told her how I felt. I wanted to date her and I had deep feelings for her that I wanted to pursue.
We then went on two dates, things were going great, chatting every day and it seemed like it was going in the right direction. She was going travelling and asked that we do not commit during that time so she could be free to explore. I was fine with her having some fun while away and we were still getting to know one another. I had assumed it would be one night stands.
Mid way through the trip (after talking/sexting/being romantic daily) she asked for space so she could focus on her travels. I was sad but agreed as I wanted her to experience it the way she wanted.
I barely heard from her for 2 weeks and on her flight back she started messaging me again. I picked her up from the airport and something was off. A few days later, she broke it off with me on the phone saying were not a match and she doesn’t feel the same way as I do.
I was heart broken. But I accepted it and moved on. Learning my lesson to be more protective with my heart.
I heard later on that during her trip, she met a woman on a tinder date and fell in love. She told all our common friends this and I ultimately found out.
We sort of stayed in minimal contact from there. I was happy to be her friend and have my boundaries up. I was happy if she was.
2 months ago, I told her I was moving interstate. She asked to speak with me face to face and she told me she still had feelings for me that never went away. She wants to be with me. She knows she fucked up by breaking it off with me. She was not ready before. She wasn’t ready to commit.
I told her I would think about it. I have no idea what to do. I do still have deep feelings for her, but very little trust that she won’t drop me again. She seems genuine and seems like she’s willing to do anything to get me back… But why only when I’m leaving? And how was she willing to get my go before?
Comments
Things didn’t work out with the other girl so now she’s going to the back up. Personally I wouldn’t wanna be someone’s second choice but you do you. Just be ready to get messed around again.
What happened to the woman she “fell in love with?”
I wouldn’t date her.
It sounds like “breaking it off” isn’t even really the right word – you weren’t even exclusive or truly together/committed at any point in time. Instead, you were basically waiting for her to come to that point, but she never did. You two were thus never in a “real relationship”. Instead, it was two dates. Two. Dates. That’s nothing. You may have been friends before and since, but just because you work as friends doesn’t mean you work as partners. And indeed, she was “ready” for this tinder woman, but not for you. She was willing to commit to her, but not to you (though of course I don’t know if maybe that was an open relationship or something).
But through all of that, because of you staying in contact with her, no matter how minimally, you were still, in her mind, the “backup option”. You didn’t hate her and you remained single and available. Now you are leaving and with that, the option to have you ends. And that’s uncomfortable. People like having options, even if they never take them. It’s a normal, human thing – just having the possibility of making a different choice means that we are feeling less trapped in what we currently have.
This applies to many things, not just relationships. For example you might still have some childhood toy, stuffed animal or whatever else you kept for nostalgia which you haven’t used or looked at in forever. You know it’s there, you could totally use it, but you don’t feel like doing it. But then, for some reason, it gets lost or destroyed and suddenly, it hurts to have lost it. Even if you didn’t look at it for years, it was still there – ready and waiting should the need ever arise. But with the option lost, the hurt comes.
And this is true with her. She is losing you as an option, so she is now suddenly interested in securing you. But this isn’t truly about her loving you and “being ready”. She was fine before you removed yourself from the option-pool. So no, she doesn’t want to be with you (else she would have reached out long ago). She just doesn’t want to lose her option.
Run far away from this person and don’t make any geographical or financial changes based on their prompting. She obviously is into relationship drama and will drop you as soon as someone else comes along.