Hi everyone, I’ve been struggling with this situation for a long time and I’d really appreciate your honest and objective opinions. This will be a long post, so sorry in advance. Also, English is not my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes.
I (26F) and my husband (25M) have been together for 6 years—4 years dating, 2 years married. For the first 4 years, I had a wonderful relationship with his mother. She used to visit us every month, shared her personal life with me, and even said she was so happy to have a daughter-in-law like me. Everything was great… until things got serious.
She suddenly turned very cold and even cruel toward me. I won’t list everything she did because the post would be way too long, but here are just a few examples:
She constantly talked badly about my mom and my family.
She mocked us for living in a rented apartment.
She kept telling my husband I would leave him one day and that I didn’t really love him.
She came to our wedding reluctantly, didn’t look at me, only hugged her son, and didn’t give me a gold gift (which is a big cultural tradition in our country).
She never accepted that her son was marrying me and acted like I didn’t exist.
Once she yelled at me saying, “You took my son, what more do you want from me?”
These are just a few examples—trust me, I’ve been through a lot.
Now to the issue at hand:
My husband hasn’t spoken to his mother for two months. She didn’t even call him on his birthday. She had never visited our current home… until today. The doorbell rang and there she was—unannounced, no call, nothing. The moment I heard her voice, I started shaking. I told my husband that his mother was here, but I didn’t want her in our home. If he wanted to talk to her, he could do so outside.
Why? Because she has never apologized. If she had called just once to say, “I’m sorry for the past, let’s put it behind us,” I would’ve been fine. I’m not a vindictive person. I know she’s my husband’s mother, and I see how much it hurts him. But just showing up like nothing ever happened? I couldn’t accept that. I didn’t want her in my home.
So my husband didn’t let her in. They talked in the car instead. She got very upset and said, “I came all this way to see you, and you didn’t even let me into your home.” When my husband asked why she came without notice like everything was normal, she said, “I’m your mother. I can come whenever I want.”
They ended up arguing again (I won’t go into all the details), and she left.
At first, my husband was furious. He said, “After everything she’s done to us, how could she just show up like that? Unless she shows respect, she won’t enter our home.” But then I started feeling guilty. I thought maybe this whole situation was my fault. I told him, “Now they see me as the villain.” He replied, “You’re already the villain in her eyes, no matter what. Don’t worry about it.”
Later, I asked him, “If I hadn’t said anything, would you have let her in?” He said, “Probably, because I wanted to sit and talk.” The thing is, they’ve had many ‘talks’ before, and they all ended in fights. She never takes any responsibility and always believes she’s right.
I was really hurt by that answer. I asked him, “Then why did you say earlier that she shouldn’t come here uninvited after all she did? You would’ve let her in if I didn’t speak up.” He said, “What do you want me to say? I’m stuck in the middle. Part of me still hopes we can fix this if we talk.”
And I understand him—I truly do. His father was never around, he only has his mother, and I never want them to have a bad relationship. I’ve never told him things like, “It’s me or your mom,” or “Don’t talk to her.” All I want is for my pain not to be ignored—like it never happened.
His mother has told him many times during fights that she disowns him, blocks his number, deletes him from social media, etc. In my eyes, that’s not what a healthy mother does. She has only one son—how can she treat him like this?
So here’s my question:
Was I wrong for not letting her into our home? Should I have just sucked it up and stayed silent for my husband’s sake?
Comments
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You were not wrong. DH should talk to a counselor about communicating with his mother, and learning how to deal with someone who behaves like her. Obviously, MIL would also benefit from therapy, but she would have to feel like she has a problem, and clearly she does not.
No, you and your husband did exactly the right thing by not letting her in. His feelings about her and their relationship are his to process, and he did right by supporting you, especially since he feels conflicted. If he was to dismiss your perspective in this and let her in because he felt comfortable overlooking your feelings, that would’ve indicated a worse problem.
The reason that not letting her in was the right thing to do is:
Think of people like this as you’re training them, and rewarding entitled behavior will only encourage them to behave as they please, without expecting consequences. To her, she expected you to both maintain “good manners” by surprising you and without the chance to think about it, let her in.
By succeeding in her “rug sweep” attempt, she gets to claim that her past actions are forgotten, and “now we’ve all moved on,” meaning that any further mention of it is you holding an unreasonable grudge. Much like berating someone for something they’ve already atoned for, no one would be allowed to then bring it up ever again without being “wrong” and she gets to once again be the victim.
This is a standard play by JustNos. They cause harm, then swarm the victim with some surprise or pretense that there’s nothing wrong. When the victim doesn’t protest, the JustNo gets to flip the story and pretend that they’ve forgiven you, so let’s all just move past this.
It sounds to me like MIL had an unexpected jealous reaction to her only son getting married, and she doesn’t have the strength of character or the emotional intelligence to clean up her mess.
Flip the situation on him. Play the “How would you feel if I did all these things to your mom? Would you still support me? Would you back everything I do? Would you – realistically – even still talk to me? No? Then why is okay that she does all these things to me, and to us?”
Your home is your SAFE SPACE. From Her. From the everyday things that annoy you. From the world. This is where – if I may quote Cat Stevens – “If you want to sing out, sing out! And if you want to be free, be free. “Cause there’s a million things to be, you know that there are!”
THIS. IS. YOUR. SAFE. SPACE. Do not let her violate it. Do not let your husband let her violate it. Draw your line in the sand. And if – IF – the two of you jointly allow her into your home, draw up a list of rules she must obey, set boundaries, and agree on consequences if / when she breaks those rules!