TL;DR: Became friends with a girl in 2022, feelings grew over time. Now we live in the same country, but different cities. I want to tell her how I feel, but not pressure her. Should I do it over a call or wait until we meet in person?
Hi everyone,
I’d appreciate some perspective on this.
I met this girl in early 2022 while I was living in Scandinavia. We shared a dorm kitchen and became friends over cooking, and sometimes spent weekends hanging out, working on our own things but keeping each other company. We’d talk about STEM, life, religion, God, and politics.
Back then, I was going through a rough patch – no clear career direction, smoking pot, and dealing with bereavement and broken friendships (she didn’t know about that). She was always sweet, complimented my cooking and style, and even defended me when others questioned the direction of my life. She asked me a couple of times to take dance classes with her, but I wasn’t in the right place mentally to try something new. Even after she moved out to a flat, we stayed in touch and would hang out, sometimes just the two of us.
Towards the end of 2023, I started developing feelings for her. But in early 2024, things fell apart for me – my company stopped paying me and falsely accused me of leaking data. I did not tell her all the details as she was struggling with her PhD, but she was still supportive.
In summer 2024, I got a new position abroad. Before I left, she told me she was planning to move to the same country in 2025 after her PhD. She gave me a cute parting gift and was the first to check if I’d arrived safely. After I moved, we didn’t talk much – I was settling in, and she was finishing her PhD.
Earlier this year, she called and we caught up for nearly 2 hours. Later, when I asked about her job search, she told me she landed a job in the same country. But her PhD defence (originally March 2025) was cancelled, and she’s been reworking her thesis while starting her new job. I check in now and then or send her something light (like a meme). She’s said she feels much happier in her new city.
For context: back in Scandinavia, communication was more balanced. Since moving, I’ve been the one initiating most conversations. She has mentioned wanting to visit me once I move closer to the centre of the country (she’s in the north, I’m currently in the south, moving soon), but hasn’t been able to visit yet because she is busy.
Here’s the thing: when I first moved, I thought my feelings would fade, but they haven’t. I want to tell her how I feel. I don’t want to put pressure on her – I’ll accept whatever the outcome is – but I’d like to be honest.
So my questions are:
- How should I tell her without putting pressure on her?
- Am I being too persistent since I’m usually the one reaching out?
- Should I tell her over a call, or wait until we meet in person? (I admit I’m a bit impatient since I haven’t seen her in a while.)
Any advice would be appreciated.